Endings are hard.
But with every ending, there is a new beginning. I think that endings happen, because that time is done, and it has to move out of the way for what is coming. There is a line in (my all time favorite movie, Dances With Wolves) where Wind in His Hair is talking with Lieutenant Dunbar-Dances With Wolves- right before his wedding to Stands With a Fist. He told him that the man who Stands With a Fist had been mourning was his best friend and that was why he had a difficult time liking Dances With Wolves. But he had come to realize that his friend had to leave because he, Dances With Wolves, was coming. That I think pretty well sums it up. There are things that have to get out of the way, because of what is coming.
Before my husband died, he told me repeatedly that he knew he was going to die first. He wanted me to promise that I would not live my life alone, that I would find someone else. Arguing with him did no good, so I finally began to say simply ‘okay’. His sudden death proved him correct on this. Have I kept up my end of the bargain and found another? No. Currently the time is not right and I refuse to get involved with anyone simply to not be alone. Besides the fact that over the course of the last four years there have been moments that would not have happened had I jumped into another relationship too quickly.
As a single individual, unencumbered by relationship boundaries, I have been able to have friendships that would not have been possible otherwise. Because, old fashioned maybe, I believe in boundaries and respect. When my husband was alive and driving that truck, out there on the road, for weeks at a time, I was very careful in whom I talked with, for how long and on what topics. I was determined that I would give no one any food for gossip nor would I give anyone any misguided and fully incorrect thoughts of opportunity. Being single however, allows me the ability to have long conversations with men- as long as they are not involved with another. I still hold that boundary very strictly.
Side note: People can be very interesting by the way. We can be so many different levels. Intellectual to shallow. With a heart for others, or a heart for self. Accepting all blame or accepting none. Self defeating or able to build yourself up to be better no matter how often you get knocked down.
Over the course of the past four years, I have had several interesting friendships. I have come over the course of the past few days especially, to understand that each had a purpose. Some for me, some maybe for them. In hindsight, the purpose of some has been obvious, while others the reasons not so much-yet.
As a Christian, I have often offered up the prayer, ‘use me’ and I feel now, that God has done just that. Some times though, when you get so involved in what is going on, that ending isn’t easy. When that season is over, and you’re left wondering what happened, and why is it that you have to move on. That door, is closed. Look for the one open.
When I was removed from the life of a working adult and into this surprise retired state, I was caught even more unprepared than I was for my husband’s death. It was definitely a shock, a surprise, a time of confusion. That was a door closing, as the next allowing me to be here with my parents opened. A door opening that has allowed me to be here to write.
Endings are hard.
When that door closes, either gently or with a slam, often we want to knock, to bang, to rattle the doorknob and do our best to get the door to reopen. Refusing to see, that season is over and done, move on. Look for the open door. Look for the door that is swinging wide and inviting you to a new purpose and adventure.
There were signs popping up, signs that I saw, but refused to accept. My husband’s health was not the best. He had been in the hospital several times, but he in his determination struggled to continue. Which he did, right up until his body gave out. With my former job, there were signs. There had been a layoff where many people had been let go due to lack of work. Even though I had been told I was essential, with all the pandemic stuff going on, one had to wonder. Then of course I was let go. I should have seen it coming, and maybe did, just denied the truth. With friendships, there are always signs of when one has decided to move on. All signs warning us, a season is done. Our purpose there, for that moment in time, is finished.
Flowers and trees blooming are showing up everywhere. The signs that Spring has arrived. Signs that Winter is past, that door is closed, time to move on into the next adventure and assignment. Be bold, be strong, be willing. God has a plan and as I have asked to be used, I know He will do just that.