Day Sixty-three; Footnotes on Lessons from a Butterfly- part 2

  I wrote part one this morning, fully intending to get back and do part 2 way before now. But then I took a hike, got into a long conversation with mom as soon as I got home, and then later went to pick up my son from work. He honestly thought he would be ready when I arrived but…nope. I told him to go ahead and finish what he needed to I could wait.  I then passed the time by watching people passing in the dark and scrolling through social media.

When he finally motioned for me I pulled into the garage area thinking he simply wanted to close the doors and not need to walk around the building to get to me. Instead he wanted to check the battery in my Jeep. Before he could do that, a car suddenly appeared at the far end of the building. My son walked up to see what they needed. I’m sitting there with the hood of my Jeep up and listening to what sounded like a car load of dogs barking and then the car and my son disappeared. Trust me, its very eerie sitting in a garage alone not knowing what was going on. He finally returned, said it was someone needing to drop off a car and not sure how to go about doing that. Once he was in the car, all the doors to the building checked, we were finally on our way home. He had just completed an eleven and a half hour day. I don’t miss that one bit.

I’m sitting here now, and have been for a while, trying to figure out how I wanted to go about continuing the discussion on the comparison of the metamorphosis of the butterfly and of becoming a Christian. So I paid a visit to the rabbit hole.

https://christiantoday.com.au/news/butterfly-life-cycle-compared-to-a-christians.html


http://www.castingmynet.com/spiritual-metamorphosis-transformed-and-made-new/


http://loyal2him.com/foundations/butterfly.htm


Just three of the many options I found to help in explaining and confirming that the comparison is applicable. And that explain the concept better than I.


For me, personally, there have been many changes, but I’ll stick with one.

One of the things that I have battled the most over the past four years has been the loneliness. There have been times when the pain felt nearly unbearable. I would see couples out and about, I would see things shared online and I would feel every negative emotion that one could think. I felt abandoned, I felt angry, I felt fear.


I could find moments of peace while hiking, but it wouldn’t last. At night I would pull a cold, unused pillow close and wait for sleep to claim me. Knowing I would wake often during the night. I dealt with this right up until this past year.

Right up until I built that miniature walking track that my son dubbed my thinking circle. I could go out there and walk in those small circles and talk with the Lord. Out loud even. I did a lot of that, nearly every day at some point I was out there.


Over the course of several months, I talked, and I received answers. With every answer, I understood a little better. Finally I came to a time where I felt not the empty loneliness, but peace. Peace that has lasted. All the memories are there, but the painful ache is gone.

Change doesn’t necessarily happen instantaneously or even overnight. Some times it takes a while, sometimes, we may fight the change, comfortable in the pain we know and fearful of the changes we don’t. But once we accept, and move toward the change, like the butterfly, it can be beautiful.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

March 4; Countdown to That Day

I went back to the mountain today. Bella was just as excited about going and even remembered better about the way to act up there. I didn’t have any problems with her yesterday, but today she was moving out of the way and waiting without being instructed. There was the one time when she wanted to visit with this small dog, but they were going down and we weren’t. Once back on track she was fine.


 I will say that its going to take a bit to get me back in shape. I was sucking air something horrible and my legs were screaming at me. Along the lines of “Are you out of your mind coming back so soon?” and then some really long screechy scream that sounded really bad inside my head. But, since no one had to call for paramedics, we finally got up those steps. I swear though, I believe whoever installed those things was drunk. They are all all different heights and depths. But, drunk or not, they created a really good workout. 

At the top we couldn’t get over to the edge as there were people already there and they seemed settled in for a nice stay. Which was fine. I gave Bella her water, quenched my own thirst and made ready to head down. Bella had several admirers today and you could tell she knew that fact. Diva that she becomes after hearing compliments.


Going back so soon, did help distract me though. Today has been a good day all around. I know we’re only three days away, but it isn’t bothering me now like it was. When March first arrived, I was fighting this feeling of sadness that was trying to drown me. Now, after sunlit, warm days and trips up the mountain, I feel much better. I know he wouldn’t want me drowning in sorrow. I remember our conversations about how he knew he would die first and his wishes. Most of which have been followed. The last, well there’s no hurry for that.

I went through the memories on social media, funny how we are so innocent and unsuspecting. If we knew, or even suspected, would we do anything differently?

From March fourth, 2017


good morning all-The sun is bright, the kittens are playful, and I am working on my second cup of coffee trying to get motivated. I have a lot that I need do, I just need to get the desire. I think I left it snuggled up under the blanket this morning.May you this day, find your motivation to do what ever it is that needs accomplishing.May you find peace, joy, laughter.May you as you go about your day be safeMay you find ways at every corner and turn, to be the difference for someone.may this day.. be good.

down town flippin’ Chicago. Why? Why Chicago? I’ve seen photos…nice place I guess if you are into city life.. I prefer my woods, trees, creeks…coyote howling in the dark..Lord please help this man try to navigate that big truck through that narrow place he has to go into…

I’m dressed and my hair is washed… I’m making progress

all these cookbooks… and I can’t figure out a thing for supper…..

Good night all-a day that passed way too quickly, didn’t get near what I wanted to accomplished. But sleep and my bed beckons, and since they’ve turned out all but the spot light on the giraffe and there is still no baby.. I bid you goodnight.be safe my friends be well be warm be in all things blessed..goodnight


And he did manage to get through Chicago and make the delivery. It was his last.
Today has been a really nice day. Even as I count down.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

March Fourth; Taking Lessons from the Butterfly-part one

 My routine was slightly altered this morning. I got up knowing I was going to take my son to work as while he got the part for his car, he didn’t get to work on his car. Apparently yesterday was a super busy day, good for the paycheck, not good for free moments to work on his own vehicle. At least someone gave him a ride home and I didn’t have to play Uber driver. I did get the food our for the feral cats though as they were waiting. Now I’m home, I have my coffee and I’ve spoken with mom. Time to consider that word prompt of the day thing. Butterfly.


https://www.dictionary.com/browse/metamorphosis


I would imagine that a lot have heard an adage about the metamorphosis of going from caterpillar to butterfly.  If not, here is a link to some wonderful quotes about going from caterpillar to butterfly: https://everydaypower.com/butterfly-quotes/


I have to say right here, that while I have made many changes over the course of my life, we all do, that this past year has been the greatest metamorphosis. (And its still happening, thank you Lord)

Its funny how within a couple days it will have been four years since my husband died, and twenty days after that will have been one year since I was let go from work. For a long time I blamed that solely on the virus, but now I see there was a plan in place. A great deal can happen in a short time, but for me, it has taken this past year. 

Life then was  robotic, get up at 4AM, be at work just before 6AM work until 4PM, unless there were orders that required overtime. Do this four days a week- unless there were orders that required more. Get home exhausted and do the bare minimum to get by, spend too much time online, then go to bed to prepare to do it all again. When my husband was alive and would be getting in for some home time, that would be altered a little but only for a couple days.During warm days, I might have the energy to hike, but only behind the house. Otherwise the only places I went were to church, out for groceries and to take mom out occasionally.


 Now, especially since things are beginning to open up once again, life is different. I had no idea how different it was going to be. I do not have a set in stone schedule. Even though mom does usually call around the same time every morning, it is nowhere near 4AM.

I took early retirement to be here for my parents, so I’m free for the moment of being locked into someone else’s time frame. I may at one point take on a part time job but if I do, it will be one that doesn’t wrap a chain around my ankle. 

When I worked, I worked hard at doing everything I could and more whenever possible. I even went back to work two days after my cancer surgery. I would have gone after one if I hadn’t been so groggy sick from the anesthesia. I worked even while undergoing radiation treatments. Changing my arrival and departure schedule so as to not miss any time. So yes, I was upset when I was dumped so easily. I gave so much, too much, I know now looking back.

I locked away a lot of me. The me that now unchained is returning. I was easily intimidated. Every move was watched at work, every minute mistake catalogued- not the good things mind you-only the bad so they had that leverage. I allowed myself to feel trapped because of age and any other rouge thought that entered my head. I tried, to show my abilities, always pushing, always trying, always doing for them. 

I’ve been away from that job for just short of a year.I not only feel like, I am a different person.

As I cleared away years of neglect from my yard, and I have a large yard, I learned how physically strong I still am, but I learned more. There is a great peace in accomplishing a project of my choosing and seeing the results. Hearing a little praise from family and friends helps.

I found a peace in solitude. Now, that one comes in waves. But those are calming as well. There were times here, because of living in a rural area, that the solitude was lonely. Especially during the stay at home requests. I made a bit of a joke out of it when I would walk the woods and take those ‘yep, still social distancing’ photos of me alone. But as the year progressed, I have become more and more comfortable with being with myself. Whether it is out at the state park hiking or in my own back woods. I have discovered a gentle peace that comes with spending time with just me.I believe that becoming comfortable with yourself first is important. If you can’t take being alone with yourself, how can you expect others to wish to spend time with you?

 I have and am every day finding more courage in putting myself out there in groups. For way too long I would be the one, if I went, that would find a spot the furthest away to sit or stand. In group gatherings, I would allow the others to speak or make the meetings happen. I used the reasoning- okay excuse- that you learn more by listening. Which is true. I realized though, that when everyone contributes, you have more points of view given, more information shared. There are ideas presented that may not have been otherwise. Through conversations with a dear friend, I have learned I have a voice and its smarter than I had thought. It is as worthy of being heard as everyone else’s.


 I know this changing, adapting, growing thing is not complete. It will never be complete as we change and adjust all our life. Circumstances bring about change, it may be minute, but it is change. As long as that change brings an improvement, it is good. As long as we leave behind the things that make us less, that hide who we are, the intelligence, the compassion, the beauty of our mind and soul we are changing for the better.

I know now, that I feared change. I feared who I might become. I worried over what I had to leave behind to find this growth. Things I knew and had become comfortable with. The things I have and am leaving behind, I’m now saying good riddance. I’m no longer crawling along the ground, low and unnoticed. I am that butterfly. I may have just recently exited that cocoon and my wings may be still drying, but I will fly. Day by day I am stretching those wings a little more. I am becoming a little more adjusted and ready. I will seek the heights of life and reach for the warmth of the Son. I will dance to the music of the breeze of love and compassion and light momentarily on the surface of hope and grace. Drawing strength from the nectar of the Word of faith.


Because yes, that fits as well if not more so. When we change from the earthly secular life to the faithful.But since this has grown so long, I will save that for another write.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Day sixty-two; Footnotes of a Glorious Day

I’m sitting here listening to Molly. She is still outside and growling. My guess is that at least one of the cats is wandering about in the carport. I’m not parking the Jeep in there at the moment so they’re not climbing all over her. The cats are only one of the reasons I’m parking outside the carport. My drive is so muddy from the rain we’ve had that there is a layer in the carport that was about to ruin my boots. I’ll need to get that out before I start parking in there again.

The Jeep group I belong to is having a chili cook off soon. I want to participate, even though its been a while since I’ve participated in a cook off. Today I prepared a batch to see how what I planned would taste. A little of this, a smidge of that, fire burn and cauldron bubble, and all that jazz. I had a big bowl with a peanut butter sandwich earlier. Spicy but not too..I’m waiting to hear what my son thinks.


Its supposed to be pretty again tomorrow. I may take Bella to the mountain again. We both need to start working on getting this winter weight off. I’ve gained just enough weight to feel uncomfortable. I don’t know what the vet is going to say about Bella when she goes for her heart worm check up in a couple of weeks. I’m not feeding her any extra, she is still running, but she too has gained a bit more than she should.

But she was so much fun on the mountain today. Her excitement while on the way, her barely being able to wait to get out of the Jeep once we arrived. The having to check out every scent and me when she thought I was moving too slow. She greeted everyone she met, then wanted to move on to see what or who was next.


 I want to be that way. Excited beyond excited to go somewhere and see everything there is to see while there. To check out every sight along the way. To take a briefest of rest and then go again. Greeting those I pass but not allowing them to stop me. To share a hello, how are you and glorious day is it not? With everyone I pass. 

I talked with mom several times today. She is doing okay right now. The weather is turning nicer and she isn’t trapped inside her house. I had a nice conversation with a friend about anything and everything and then some. We may have even made a few things up as we went.

 I do know that the time I spent out on that hillside, by the time I got back to my car, my entire attitude was adjusted. I felt as if I couldn’t stop smiling. Had I stayed home, I would have done okay. I would have done some housework and maybe tried to coax the cats out of hiding, but it wouldn’t have come anywhere close to what that walk gave me today.

I could sit here and start writing all the descriptive words I could come up with about today and I would still be writing this time next week. Yes, it was that good.

We all need those. The day when everything went so well. When by the time it was over, you could look back with a smile and a sigh and know you want to do that again. Maybe we all can’t hike a mountain, or even our own backyard, but we can find a quiet spot. A place where we can sit and listen to the world as it passes by.

Right now, my neighbor is practicing his drums, a dog up on the main road is barking and occasionally a vehicle will pass by. I’ve let Molly inside to curl up in her chair. Its otherwise quiet and calm. I know that as far as days go, there is nothing to complain about, it has been good.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

March 3; Counting Down to That Day

 One thing that I do now, that I did not do four years ago, is leash up Bella and head up to hike Crowder’s Mountain at the state park. https://www.ncparks.gov/crowders-mountain-state-park/home


The very first time I went up there on my own I was scared out of my mind. I hadn’t done anything like this in forever. Going out on my own was only something I did for charity meetings and then there were people I knew there. Hiking the mountain I knew no one. Then on that first trip, I made a new friend, and found a feather. I see feathers, butterfly, cardinals and pennies as messages. I have a cup in this room where I keep the feathers I find.


Today started out a bit cool, but warmed up quickly. The sun was out and the sky was this glorious Carolina blue. There was no way I was staying home. Gathering everything I needed and getting Molly inside I got Bella’s leash and harness on and off we went. Well, almost. As I was getting Bella in the car I noticed the mail carrier pull down the road. I decided to wait just in case we got mail. I’m glad I did because a hose my son had ordered for his car came early. I called and asked if he was coming home for lunch, he wasn’t sure so I went ahead and took it over to him.

From there- it was off to the mountain. It really doesn’t take all that long to get there, and the drive is relatively easy- no interstate. The fact its the middle of the week and right at the middle of the day it wasn’t terribly busy. I found a place to park where I thought my Jeep and her stars would be safe then got Bella out and off we went.

Bless that dog, she has to stop and smell EVERYTHING. She often zig zags across the trails making sure she doesn’t miss any. Well, up until she starts to tire then its only those that are closest. And she also scent marks at every smell. Which amazes me sometimes. But today…oh today. What a gloriously beautiful, made for get outside and go day.


 It was obvious that I’m not in the best of shape, I stopped more today than usual but I think I’m still a little sore from that abrupt sit down from last time. Still, we made it. We reached those steps and even though we had to step aside often, it was okay. People spoke to us and we- well I- spoke with them. You could tell that everyone was feeling the wonders of the day.

If I had suddenly heard Julie Andrews I would not have been surprised. https://youtu.be/yvQ4t-Nk128. The Hills really did feel as if they were alive with the sound of music. Anyone dancing would not have surprised me either.  At one point there was a young dad sitting on a bench with his daughter who turned out to be eighteen months old and cute as could be. And she knew ‘doggy’.

At the midway point of the steps as we moved aside, a lady and her toddler son wanted to pet Bella who was accommodating.

Finally at the top, the view as always takes your breath taking. As it our usual habit, I gave Bella some water as we rested a few moments, I take a few photos of the same scenes I have before and then started down.

As we passed two gentlemen who had backpacks on that appeared as if they would weigh more than me one spoke. I stopped and we talked briefly about Bella and then we were each on our way. Nice people, and one had the most charming English accent. 

Poor Bella tends to get slightly miffed at me making her stop so often to take a photo but it doesn’t last long. As we were making our way down a butterfly flew directly in front of me then over and around. A day that had been good and glorious so far, now became even more so. I don’t know if the people who had just passed me thought me crazy but I was watching that butterfly dance on the breeze. As we made our way around the next curve in the road I saw the butterfly again.

I couldn’t help but smile. We may be fast approaching the anniversary of his death, but there are messages still. Making our way down the trail we passed many people going up. Nearly every single one spoke. Some a simply hello, some how are you and some stating the truth, Its a wonderful day. And it really, really is indeed, a wonderful day.

one section of the 300+ steps
Those tiny buildings in he far distance is Charlotte, or as SNL says, the gateway to Gastonia.
Me and Bella, my ride or die partner
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

March Third; To Bloom Where You are Planted, When it is so Badly Needed

What an absolutely glorious morning it is outside my window. I do believe I hear a hike calling my name. It was suggested that I go without Bella because the last time I went, the near altercation between her and another dog played a large part in my slipping and sitting down very hard on wet rocks. But no, she is my ride or die partner so she goes when I go. She also gives me someone to talk to when no one else is interested.

 I think a lot of us have heard the expression, bloom where you are planted, but what does that mean? Down the rabbit hole I go, (I have my own private entrance now) https://www.wikihow.com/Bloom-Where-You%27re-Planted

There is some very good information here.One thing about that rabbit hole, it can lead you in a million different directions if you aren’t careful. Standing at the info board and checking out the various floors and rooms was amazing. Not surprising but amazing at how many different ways this has been taken. I think right now though, I’m going to share a bit of how I have bloomed personally.

During my school years, the fact that I was ‘different’ made life difficult. When you don’t feel as if you fit in, you don’t.You may try a variety of methods to seek acceptance, but in the end, until you come to an acceptance of who you are inside, that will never happen. To some degree, that nonacceptance, is a good thing. I wonder how often people have sacrificed their true individuality to fit into that form called normal? How often to people set aside their own personality, to be accepted? Often, without even realizing that is exactly what they have done? 

When you fight so hard and so long, trying to find a balance, it is easy to become weary and give up. Having been blessed to be a part of a very close and humor oriented family, it has been a challenge to overcome the misconceptions and lack of understanding and acceptance in others. Actions that would have others looking at you in confusion and an almost fear as they wonder, what they are in the presence of and should they turn and run?
My own departed husband, may he rest in glory, even up until his death, had issues with some of my choices. I love hats, Mom says I take that after dad. It is not unusual for me to grab a hat on my way out the door. I lost count of how many times he would ask in a slight condescending tone, “You’re not going to wear that, are you?” Yep.

I will admit to many times of giving in and setting myself aside to placate him and bring peace. His death, though I miss him, has brought about a freedom long held captive. As one long out of school, freed from the restrictions of a romantic or working relationship, I have found myself beginning to bloom.

I will admit right up, its a slow process in some aspects. I have found levels of courage to get out and away from the house more, though I’m still working on the putting myself out there among the people I meet. 

I have found ways to feel better about myself, who I am and the strengths God has given me. 

I have found ways to express myself through a variety of methods. This being one.

More importantly, I have found a greater, stronger faith that is showing me all of the above. I have been a Believer since my youth, that never wavering, but it is all of the recent events, that have shown me the way to a stronger, deeper faith. One that helps me to grow, to reach out, to share my experiences in ways that are hopefully inviting.

Somewhat like walking into a garden and seeing everything there in full bloom, sharing the beauty to and uplifting heart, mind and spirit.I may never travel the world, or even far from this spot I call home, but I hope to bloom where I am planted, where ever that may be, and like flowers sending their seeds into the breeze, spread a little joy, hope, love and beauty. Especially now, in a time when it is so badly needed.
https://www.christianity.com/wiki/bible/is-bloom-where-you-are-planted-in-the-bible-origin-and-meaning.html

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Day Sixty-one; Footnotes of dogs, cats and Another Glorious Sunset

For some reason, today has been barking dog day. Not just my dogs, but dogs all around here have been barking. There was even a dog that I hadn’t seen before that was strolling around, looking very lost. It disappeared before I could get out there and try to catch it. I had to get my dogs inside first to keep them quiet and calm. From the view I got of it, the dog didn’t look abandoned, it looked as if it had simply wandered off from somewhere. Hopefully it wandered its way back to where it wandered away from. 

One of the funny things, I was sitting here listening to an owl calling. Usually when an owl calls Bella will start barking and before you know it, you would swear they were having a conversation. Bella must be angry at the owl though because she wasn’t answering today. If you have never heard a conversation between an owl and a dog, its hilarious…noisy but hilarious. 

I walked up the drive at one point to check my mail. I never saw the mail run, but it wouldn’t be the first time I missed them. As I walked up the drive, my dogs were barking and then I saw why. The neighbor’s pit was outside, directly across the dirt road from my mail box and of course as soon as it saw me, it began barking. I ignored it as much as possible. When I saw I had no mail, I turned to walk back only to have the pit barking at me and following me. I turned and stomped my foot, yelling at it to go back. It started not to, but finally did turn and go back. I wish there were some way to get the neighbors to understand that leash law thing.


  I wouldn’t hesitate to say that the dogs spent more time inside today than they have in a while. I tend to believe that they knew exactly what they were doing. Bark a lot, get to go inside. After a while get sent outside only to start barking crazily again to be called inside. yeah, they worked that out. 

Now the feral cats are now fat and sassy. One of the three is more trusting. It will actually come up onto the top step and cry until we take food out. You can hear this cat over anything in the house. Of course when I would take food out the cat would run, but come right back.


Today, the cat was on the back steps and my son walked out onto the porch. The cat was trying to find something in the bowls, anything, but they were cleared out. I gave him the dry food bag and told him to not give much. That was the one thing I was unable to get today at the store. They had it, but the bag was so far back on the shelf there was no way to reach it. I tried to reach it, even climbing on the bottom shelf didn’t help, it was that far back. I saw one employee and asked if there was anyway to get someone to help me but they couldn’t leave what they were doing. They told me that. Okay fine.

Anyway, my son poured a little over a handful into the bowl then set the bag back inside the door. The cat was standing out in the yard, and there for a moment, just a moment, looked as if it were considering moving forward toward him. Finally fear won out and it ran past him and under the house. Once my son came back inside the cat eventually came back to eat. But they are getting braver. And they follow that ask and ye shall receive motto. 

It was a crazy busy, noisy day in which I stayed active in one way or another. I know that staying busy helps when sad thoughts show up. Oh I allow them a moment and then turn away. I can’t allow them to control me.

I have battled with my wood stove most of the day trying to get a fire burning. At last check it was smoldering. Tomorrow I’ll check the stove pipe and see if its in need of cleaning out. One more project. 

One good thing, I love when the day ends peacefully but with a glorious sunset. The days are getting longer, soon the time will change again and warmth return. I’ll get to spend more time outside, with the barking dogs and needy feral cats and owls that only know one question.. “Who??” 

Funny how annoying critters can make such a difference, even and especially on the sad days.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

March 2, Count Down, Closing in on That Day

 While sitting here, looking out at a cloud covered sky, I am finally seeing light. The light at the end of a tunnel of how much stuff can you pack into one morning. Even though it is now afternoon. After the running around that I managed to do, and some that is still on hold, I have spent quite a while reading the shares of so many talented folks that have their space in this part of the global universe. As Professor Hinkle the bad magician in Frosty the Snowman was heard to say I’ve been “busy, busy, busy” And in truth, that is a good thing. Because all that busy, has kept my mind occupied. It has kept me distracted from the memories.

The following is from my posts on social media, on this day, back in 2017, just a few days before. To look back and see how everything was so ordinary and every day…

“Good morning all- Here we go again. I’m so very thankful that the storms were no worse than they were last night. I’m also thankful that James made it home on that motorcycle before the storms came in. I’m thankful that I have a job, one that I must get up from here and get ready to head out for. So as mom(the cat) watches over the little ones and Bella awaits my letting her outside, I bid you good morning.


One never knows what it is that will touch the heart, the mind, the emotions of another. What words, what photos, will touch the heart and bring a response. All one can do is share what is on their mind and hope that there is at least one who is affected and changed.Otherwise, you are just whispering into the wind…..


WOOHOO!!! I get to work tomorrow.We get a tax refund. Now… if only the third good thing was Publisher’s Clearing House pulling up in my driveway….So April turns to Oliver (the two giraffe) and says, “I know it could just be my imagination….. but I just keep getting the feeling that I’m being watched.”goodnight all-this one is allllllll tuckered out from watching a giraffe and playing with kittens..”


I’m currently sitting here and reading this, it is almost as if I have fallen down that rabbit hole into some alternate universe. The Twilight Zone feeling of reliving something over and over.

Which I did and still do. Not as often now. For the most part the pain has eased and the memories are more sweet.  I’m still not sure why it seems to want to haunt me this year.  It isn’t actually painful, more introspective.


To be able to look back and see how everything was so ordinary and normal leading up to an absolute change in everything I knew. Going through the memories of the following years, for some reason 2018 is gone. It is almost as if that year did not exist, because trust me, I have posted at least one thing every day. But that’s okay, I have the following years that show me how far I’ve come.

I lost a lot when I lost him. When he died, other members of the family have disappeared. It is difficult enough to go from wife to widow. How does one suddenly go from being a grandmother to not, but it was their choice. My arms are always open, my heart very ready to accept them back and draw them near.  But I guess, when dad dies, his child may think the family connection severed.


So yeah, the day is drawing closer. The feelings of sadness, loneliness, longing, and oh so many others, are rearing up and making themselves known. At least I have my sweet Bella for company and she is staying close.

That is the arm of my chair in the bottom corner. Funny no matter how often I clean that rug, they keep dragging in replacement dirt.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

March Second; A Time of Growth

 Well this has been a different type morning. My son is working on his car so yesterday I had to go pick him up from where he works, a local dealership where he is a mechanic, where his car is waiting on the correct hose for his new radiator. That meant, I had to take him to work this morning. I have a long list of things I need to do today, but several rely on other things to fall into place first. I put food out for the feral cats and I would not be afraid to say that one of the four cats ate every last bite of that large can of food. I could be incorrect as two of them look very much alike so unless they are both out at the same time I never know which one hasn’t eaten. 

Mom called and asked if I would come down and replace a light bulb for her as she had one that was blown out. The ceilings in that house are a little high and takes a step ladder to reach the bulbs. Neither of them need to be standing on a step ladder so of course I readily walked down to help. It only took a moment and she did give me a can of cat food for my cat since I’m out of all types of canned food. Its the cheap stuff and of course Cricket turned her nose up and stormed away. The feral don’t mind and I know they will eat it, of course they haven’t been fed anything other than the cheap stuff.

 One thing about it, since I have been feeding the feral cats, they have gotten so big. Their growth has been amazing. Even the black cat that we thought was stunted has had an amazing growth spurt and has turned into a gorgeous cat. Even on the cheap stuff, imagine how they would look if they were getting the more expensive stuff.

 Its amazing how being fed, especially the right stuff, can help us grow. Of course we know that what we eat and how much we eat causes physical growth. I ponder on how many fully understand that what we put into our minds causes growth as well. Or do we simply, blindly watch and listen to what is presented to us without question?

Since my husband’s death, I have faced many difficulties. One of the more difficult was learning to face life without a partner. Thankfully my son has been here to help me with issues that I can’t handle-yet. But things such as the loneliness from the loss, he couldn’t help. I have had to battle that, the insecurities, the fear and many  other emotions that I hadn’t faced before. I had to learn to face life, without anyone to lean on as I once had.

I began to read, a lot. I began watching programs that helped me. I had to find the right ones, the ones that matched my belief system and strengthened it, helped it grow in understanding and strength. I had to find ways to grow in every way.

It helps to have friends who aid in that growth, thanks to their having different areas of focus and sharing the information they learn. Instead of being confusing and creating a type chaos, it offers different avenues and overlooks that are beyond interesting.

I think we all need that, people in our life that gives us the inspiration and drive to grow in every aspect of our life. As our understanding and comprehension grows, so may our heart. I think its time.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Day Sixty; Footnotes on Documenting the Moment

That’s one good thing about the creative type, we are usually very good about documenting things in some form or fashion. I’ve always said that I have no—well, very few– secrets. If I tell it, then no one could ever blackmail me. I have made my mistakes, but I own up to them. There is also the fact I don’t do illegal. If I were to break the law and get arrested, I would look like the lion at the circus, pacing back and forth and back and forth and..well, you get the idea. So, to keep my freedom to hike and explore, I don’t do illegal. I may do stupid, just not illegal.

Back when I was still doing the editorial columns for the local newspaper, I did a weekly column on my cancer battle.  When my husband died, people on social media were right there with me as I struggled to get his earthly body home from out of state where he died. Then I lost my job and everyone got to follow along with how I handled that. One adventure and journey are another.

Since I have been finding so many incredible folks to read and follow here in the blogosphere, I have noticed that many are sharing their various journeys. I applaud their strength and ability to share. Some of the journeys have been and are difficult and painful. We struggle with very real battles. I think though, that we find strength, comfort and empowerment in the numbers of supporters we find.

 I was in a conversation early about photography. I am at best an amateur even as I work toward being better. Still, I seek to capture a photographic subject in the ways that makes me feel something when I look at the photo. They may very well be a documentary, but they are more.

I have seen many black and white shots by several different photographers and the stark beauty in some of them has taken my breath. I have read poetry shared, some of the words making me think, others making me feel. When the words of a poet brings about an emotional response over the intellectual one, I remember that one longer. But that’s me.I have noticed, there are highly intelligent folks on the blog site. The information I have seen shared so far has already taught me much. I have learned, I have been encouraged, and I have been inspired.

But back to the conversation on photography. In the discussion, I had made a comment on photographing the emerging plant life, but because it kept looking like rain, I had refrained from going out. I also mentioned how I knew the cloud cover would produce more even lighting. In the end, I grabbed the camera, pulled my jacket on and out the back door I went. The difficulty in some of these plants, is that they are very low to the ground. The very wet, from all the rains ground.  If I want- and I did- a level shot, that meant getting down on the ground, at least on one knee. Which I did.


I walked all the way around the house, attempting to capture what I found as I went. When I got around to the far side of the yard, I took more of the daffodil. Making my way back around the house I went into where my protected from Molly flower area is. Molly eats plants, seems she forgets she not an herbivore.


By the time I got back in the house I was shivering from the cold of the dampness outside. but, I think I got a few decent captures.What about you? What do you love to document and how do you do it best?

Not sure what this is, but a section of my yard is covered with it.
I’m pretty sure I know what flower will come from this but not positive.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments