Day Fifty-eight; Footnotes of Fear

I have problems getting people to understand the deep seated fear that I battle. They cannot or will not comprehend what I am afraid of and why I am afraid to begin with. Even my own son, gives me the impression that he doesn’t understand why it is such a big deal for me. I really wish, that I could explain in a way they would understand, this is not something I made up. This is not something easily ignored. They don’t see how it can be such a problem for me. But it is, and even as I know the prison it creates, trying to overcome it is a struggle. 

I can go all the way back to school. I’m sure there are many reasons that I felt as if I never fit in. I was that round peg they wanted to fit the square hole that just wasn’t happening. Being one who grew up out in the country outside of town, I never learned the social norms. I never felt as if I fit in with those I went to school with. With the exception of a small group that did not fit the parameters of the in groups.

 Looking back now, it did not help to be empathic, and not know. To struggle with all of the energies and emotions around me, and not know how to handle what I felt. To walk down hallways in the change of class, to sit in the lunchroom and have dozens of emotions flowing around me creating a chaos in my mind and I had no idea what was going on. It made me very jumpy which caused others to find some perverse enjoyment out of sneaking up behind me which made me worse. 

Having felt different for as long as I can remember, always feeling as if I didn’t really belong, creates the fear. The feeling of not being wanted. The feeling of not fitting in. The fear of embarrassing myself in some manner. The concerns of being the only one who shows up somewhere alone. All feed the fear.

 The Jeep group I joined, most of the members drive Wranglers. I drive a Compass. A Compass is a long way from a Wrangler, but it does say Jeep on the front. So, as I’ve heard said, if it says Jeep, its a Jeep and if its a Jeep, its welcome. But no one notices that little blue Compass sitting off to one side. It is the many Wranglers, the Gladiators, the iconic Jeeps that are seen. 

There have been Jeep events that I have not attended. There have been many events I have not attended. It is easier to hide here at home than it is to face the fear. That fear of being the one standing off to one side, lost and alone.

 There was a Jeep gathering today, I had said I was going. It started at three. I was ready by noon. I watched as the clock ticked ever closer to the time. I watched, as the clock struck three and I sat here. At a few minutes after three, I saw where the creator of the group commented that she was on her way. Still I sat here.Finally angry with myself I got up. I brought the dogs inside, I poured me a cup of coffee. I made sure everything was safe and I grabbed my car keys. I was going. The problem, was that the event was far enough away, that I had this entire running commentary in my head.

I’m going

No one would know if you turned around now.

I’m going

You know you don’t fit in, fake jeep

I’m going

Jeep wanna be doesn’t fit

I’m going

Maybe only one or two people will even notice you

I’m going

Who do you think would care if you didn’t show?

This went on right up until I pulled into the very full parking area where the event was being held. Trying to look as I slowly drove behind another vehicle I was wondering if there was going to be anywhere to park or if I might as well just go ahead and leave now. As I pulled down the second to the last row, I saw one parking spot on the next. Pulling around and into the one space, I knew no one would notice my Jeep way down here, but I was here.

I was staying. I just had to get out of the Jeep. Shoving the door open I took only my keys and phone and walked toward the line of Jeeps in front of the building. Seeing a friend, I waved and walked up to where she stood.

I was there. I was outside the Jeep. I had crossed the parking lot. I was staying. I was strong. I was brave. I was there, I was staying.We spoke for a few moments about a variety of things. Someone walked up with a medium size dog. We spoke to the owner and gave the dog a nice pet on the head and scratch behind the ears.

Dogs. Dogs are a wonderful ice breaking topic. Part of that fear, is the terror of trying to initiate conversation with people I don’t know. My son can walk right up and talk to anyone. He makes friends easier than just about anyone I’ve ever seen. But he can’t, doesn’t, won’t understand the issues I have.

I have this terror of saying something stupid. The fear of opening my mouth and some nonsensical words come out leaving people staring with confused expressions. I’ve done it, I’ve seen that look. I’ve had people stammer an excuse as they back away. I’m not a nut case. I’m not unintelligent. Just socially insecure.

I keep reminding myself that God did not give me a Spirit of fear: 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV – – Bible Gateway.

The fear that I am battling is something meant to prevent. Something meant to keep me hidden away. Something meant to shut me down.Today, I said enough. Today, I fought that battle, fought the demon of fear and went. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/top-5-scriptures-that-ban_b_11786842. Yes, I was late, but I made got there. Even with the mental argument, I made it there. Even afraid and nervous and unsure, I stayed. Best yet, I enjoyed myself.

Even though the battle wiped me out and exhausted me, this time, I won.

She may not be an iconic Jeep. I won’t ever go off roading in the way the Wranglers and such do, but I love my little blue jeep.Noticed or not.