Feeling Guilty

Guilty.

I never planned on retiring early. My plans were to work up to and beyond full retirement age. Thanks to being laid off from my job and because of all the stuff that was going on at that time, that is exactly what I ended up doing. I thought, I was going to be called back when work picked back up, that didn’t happen. I was going to look for another job, (I even had an interview) but by then, my parents had become very dependent on my help. I know, that to be able to help them is a great blessing. To be able to be here to take them where they need to go, to fix what I can, to help make life better in the ways I am able, to make sure they are safe, is a gift. I am glad, and happy, to be able to do this.

Yet, I feel guilty. I feel as if I should be working. Every single time I look at my checking account, I feel that I should be doing something to bring in money. Yes, my son does help. He pays his part of the bills, but there are things that need to be done, that I cannot do, and I will not ask him to pay for those things. These are things that are my responsibility and somehow, I will take care of them. However, I feel that to do that, I should be working.

I have worked since I was old enough. I worked in manufacturing. I worked in a grocers deli. I worked in restaurants. I have always worked to earn and pay my way. Not working now, brings on that guilty feeling. I can’t even get a part time job because I never know when something might happen with my parents. I’m their main caregiver, dog walker, uber, anything that is needed that I can so, that’s my job. Still, trying to live strictly on social security is a challenge. It is not an entitlement, as all who draw know, we paid into that all of our working lives. That is not a hand out, it is ours. Unfortunately, it is not enough. Today I returned clothes that I had purchased for Christmas, then saw my checking account. I won’t get another check until the twenty-first of December. They had to go back.

All day I have pondered on ways to bring in more money. I have friends who are very creative. Some print shirts, some create amazing mugs, there are those who create tattoos for jeeps. To be able to do this, takes two things. Talent and money to buy tools and materials. Neither of which I have. I could learn and with practice, do this, but not without the money for materials needed. I know those who are paid for their  photography or artwork. I know those who earn from their writing.

I have looked into online sites where one gets paid, but they require a subscription from the readers. There is the fact that I am not one to teach. My writings are more of the heart, first hand descriptions of what I have or am facing and hoping that the reader would find something to take away from what I have shared.

I’ve tried those online sites where you upload photos onto various things like shirts,mugs of what ever but even though some things were purchased, it was never enough for me to receive any  money. I’ve tried those survey sites or the sites where they send you stuff to try out only never qualified for anything good. Even those work at home things would be difficult as I have to walk down to my parents every two hours in the very least.

I could upgrade my wordpress, but I don’t know that I have enough readers who consider my work donation worthy.

So what do I do? How do I ease the guilt I feel over not working? How do I bring in even a little more money to cover the things that need to be done? How do I get my son to stop the comments and the looks about my not working. How do I stop wishing and dreaming and actually manage to do something? Until I figure it out, I know I’m going to feel guilty about not working and not being able to do the things I need to do much less the things I would like to do.

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