A Part of My Journey

I do not as a general rule, try to give advice that has not been requested. Today though, I am going to offer up my story that was brought to mind due to the day. Today would have been my late husband’s seventieth birthday. I wanted to share how and what I have done since my husband died. Things meant to help me move on, and yet not forget. I hope that sharing this would help some one in some way.

All relationships have an expiration date. Someone is going to leave first, either through a break up or death. The one left behind has to figure out how they are going to keep going on without the other person. I was told once that a relationship that ended due to a death was easier to deal with than having one end a relationship and still live. You are faced with seeing the person you still love going on with their life without you. While I can see the truth in that it is difficult seeing the other person moving on, and while death is final therefore meaning you will not see them again, I cannot see how it is easier. It is merely different. You are still dealing with pain.

My husband has been dead just over six years. His death, even though his heath was not the best, was unexpected. He was a long haul truck driver and died while parked at a truck stop hundreds of miles away. I was told in an accidental, unintentional way that rocked my world. I had to accept that he was in fact gone, then figure out how to get him home. Once all the responsible stuff was handled, I had to figure out how to continue living without him. I had spent over half my life with him, having that suddenly ripped away was beyond painful.

At that time, I had a full time job. For most of the ten hour work days I could go about the time focusing on work and distracted from the pain. Breaks were difficult as I had always spoke to him via the phone. At that time I did not have a smart phone so unless there was someone to speak with in the break room I spent  it remembering and missing. Coworkers were uneasy and unsure about whether to mention him. They were careful in their asking how I was doing. One word, don’t be afraid to say the deceased name. It may hurt, but it is also healing. It shows they lived and are remembered.

At home there were fewer distractions. I would walk through the home we shared, memories and silence haunting me. A phone that once rang every few minutes now silent, tormenting me with what would never happen again. His side of the queen size bed we shared forever vacant. I had to learn how to face this or go mad.

Before my husband died, I slept well most of the time. After he passed that all changed. I might fall asleep quickly or I might lie there for hours staring at the darkness. If I fell asleep, I would awaken often during the night to return to staring at the darkness. From a habit acquired years before, there was a radio in the room playing at a volume that was barely audible. The station one of faith based songs that would offer comfort. This went on for a couple of years. Working myself to physical exhaustion didn’t help. Melatonin and Tylenol didn’t help. All through the night my mind raced and my heart hurt. It took time, prayer and dietary changes. I am a heavy, regular, coffee drinker. It took stopping the coffee at six and if I wanted a hot beverage to drink hot tea blends instead. Regularly consuming one meant to help sleep along with the other methods, helped me to sleep through the night. I do need though, to make sure that my stress levels are low otherwise I do still awaken in the night.

While working and sleep took up the majority of the daily hours, there were those remaining hours to deal with. Those times when the phone calls would come and everything would stop for those moments in time. It was difficult at first, working on things without interruptions. It took the passing of time for the constant waiting for interruptions to stop.

To fill the time, I began doing things that had been let slide for various reasons. I did long neglected yard work turning a jungle into a usable space. I did uncover a few venomous snakes in the process but they were relocated and life moved on. I did not realize or remember how big the yard was until I began the clearing and reclaiming process. The physical activity and the mental focus kept me grounded. There were moments when I would allow myself to stop, remember and feel, then move on toward the goal. From the yard I moved on to our large storage building that would have made a hoarder proud. Not that there was that much, just in how it was stored. No, there was that much, it took three larger trailer loads to haul all that mess away. All things that we ‘might need’ at some point in the future. I haven’t needed any of it since its removal.

I had to figure out a way to stop water from flooding a room of the house that has a drain running under it. My house is not large, just long and the front yard slopes down toward the house. I do not have a lawn due to so many big Oaks and the dogs. Heavy rains will carry yard debris down and block the drain if allowed. I ended up using blocks to build a diversion wall.

I have done work and had work done, on the house. This is an ongoing activity due to cost but the essential has been done when needed. I’ve stayed busy and time has passed.

I do not date, but I have over time had male friends. Some that lasted months, some a few weeks. Each in their own way helping me move forward. Each teaching me something to carry with me and help me adjust to this single life. A life that has in its own way brought peace.

 There is also the fact that I now help take care of my aging parents which fills a lot of time. Their needs usually simple yet important. Them being with us still at their ages a gift and taking care of them a blessing. A stressful blessing at times but a blessing still.

Other than that, I hike a fair amount. Nature has a wonderful way of healing the hurt. There is a peace there not found elsewhere. I am also getting needed physical exercise.

 I am continuing to do yard work. I’m currently working on cutting up and stacking the wood from a tree that fell during a recent storm. Dragging away to smaller limbs and discarding them down the hill the equivalent to discarding the mental pain. Seeing the stack of wood growing a sense of accomplishment.

I’m continually learning new things such as how to work on my drier when it decides to not function as it should. To keep a check on oil levels in things such as my son’s chainsaw that I’m using more than he ever has. How to figure out some of the things that go wrong with the computer. (As long as it doesn’t take going in and actually searching within the maze of inner workings.)

I read. I work on expanding my understanding through the written word. I also watch documentaries for the same reason, to gain knowledge and understanding of the world around us, spiritual and more.

I have grown deeper in my faith. Seeking guidance when the world and life gets confusing.

I allow and seek the memories. I will spend time looking at photos, seeing the memories come up on social media, talking with family and friends about times past.

I believe in and look for signs that he sees and approves. That he sees and wants to reassure me that everything will be okay. No, I do not personally believe he can come back himself, but angels are messengers. My husband was a long haul truck driver when he died. I now hear jake (engine) brakes at what would otherwise be odd times. I find pennies where pennies should not be. Cardinals will suddenly appear, one or many at a time.

I have come to the acceptance and understanding that we do not heal from grief. Grief becomes a part of who we are. The one who is gone, was so much a part of our life while they were with us that we will never be able to separate from them. We will always remember. We will always know there is some thing, some one missing. I once saw a graph that shows that we build our life around that grief as we grow and continue in life and living. The pain eases over time becoming something different. It becomes a memory, cherished and held dear. It is the chapter of our life that was, and will forever be, it just doesn’t have to be a painful one.

I have gone from sleepless nights to sleeping better. I no longer stand at the gate and gaze down toward where he parked that big truck. I no longer listen for a phone call that will never come. I have reached a point of peaceful acceptance. I know that everyone who faces this has a different path to follow. Everyone’s journey toward healing and peace is unique. My hope is that sharing at least a part of my journey helps.