Following are three posts that I made on social media back in 2017. In them are the struggles I was facing as we were still trying to get my husband’s earthly body home from Indiana. Yes, still struggling 6 days after his death to get him home. In those posts, I ran the gamut of emotions. In February of this year, I was in a dark place emotionally as I knew, all of these memories would be showing up over on my social media page. But then, I began to notice something. There was a difference in my thoughts and feelings. Something I will explain at the end.
good chilly morning all,
Hopefully, prayerfully, today will be the day that I get the call that my husband’s earthly body is on its way home. This has always been my nightmare, even as I prayed for his safety, even as I prayed for his time out and his return. I knew that when God called him home, he would go, his time was through. Now, I am faced with the thing we had often discussed and yet never got around to doing, taking care of laying him to rest. Even as I know he is no longer here, and that is the one thing that has helped me handle all of these delays, I still promised and I will see that promise through. There are many good people waiting, ready to help me at any moment. I know and appreciate that. Family and friends have been right here, calling, dropping by, checking to see how I am.
Outside, I am fine. Only because on the inside I am in near constant prayer, because otherwise you would see the mess that I am. I’ve tried to read, I tried to watch Dances With Wolves last night. That by the way is one of my all time favorite movies. I couldn’t do either. My attention span is that of a gnat.
Yesterday I picked up a cross necklace that my husband had purchased for me, for Christmas, two years ago. I haven’t worn it because the chain is so tiny. I did put it on though and realized that the chain is short and less likely for me to catch, so I haven’t taken it off.
I keep unconsciously waiting on that phone to ring and him ask me why I haven’t called. Every day, when he thought I should be home from work, he would call and ask me that I tried most days to call hm just as soon as I got in, put my stuff down and had my first cup of coffee ready, then I would call so we could chat undisturbed. Some times, he was impatient. Out there, so far away, alone but for the cb radio or the friends who would run into at various locations around the country, still alone in that truck for miles, hours, days… I knew, and I tried to talk as much as possible. I could only do it on breaks at work, but home was different. I didn’t like talking on the phone while driving, but there were times.
We had planned on going to Gatlenburg,TN. this summer and there was a concert that was close enough he was going to try and work out. We had planned on doing so much to the house, kept planning that deck out back for him, discussed newer vehicles for both of us because his pick up is a 1985 and my explorer is a ’99. We had discussed and hoped and planned and looked forward to so much. Its okay, it will be okay, I know it will. Eventually. Right now, above all else, I just want the phone to ring and the voice on the other end telling me they had booked the flight and he will be home soon.
Until then dear friends, please remember, that my hope, my wish,my prayer for you is this
that you are safe
that you are well
that you are blessed in all things
my request, is that at every opportunity found or made, that you be the difference for others as you are being for me.
Why does it seem as if there are so many things working against getting my husband’s earthly body home? Maybe, maybe, if only, if this or that or maybe this or that or what ifs..should have’s could have’s might have’s..I have spoken to this person and that one and tried to explain and tried to work things out and yes, maybe I did jump too quickly but no one said. this is what..do you fully understand this is what, this is that, we will…
yes, they would have. Yes, they could have but I jumped. Because I didn’t know what else to do. I still don’t, I am still begging and praying and banging my head on what ever is closest. I’ve angered some, confused some, concerned some. I’ve tried to explain and maybe its understood maybe not. All the while that some are trying to cover my errors, all the while some are trying to accomplish the needed. My husband’s earthly body is still somewhere in Indiana on some cold slab in some cold drawer and not here. He isn’t here.
I’m sorry if all of my posts are annoying or bothersome or any other adjective you can thing of. I’m sorry if you are tired of this and wishing that I would either shut up or find something else to discuss or just post stupid memes that say nothing or something or what ever.
I know my husband is in Heave and not here. I know it is only an empty shell that once housed his soul. I know all of that- but I still want him home. Some one please can’t someone please make that happen?
Barring any more blasted red tape, the funeral home in Indiana should be transporting my husband to the airport tomorrow evening for a flight home Wednesday early. We will know more tomorrow. Thank you Abilene for pushing me to call the funeral director and thank you Ronnie for finding out what is going on. Everyone, and I mean everyone has been so nice, so concerned and trying so hard to help us. I don’t know what I would have done without all of you.
Back to today, back to now…
I’m sitting here, on a dreary, cloudy, cold morning. I have a mild headache due to not sleeping well because I’m still on that air mattress on the floor and no matter how many blankets I pile on, its cold. But its cold outside, and the birds are still singing. The outside cat colony are happily playing in the yard. While I sit here with a cup of coffee, wandering down memory lane, reflecting on a day when those ruminations could cause me to feel deep pain, but instead, there is peace. For several reasons.
First, I know where he is, I know he’s much better than he was here. He is walking those streets of gold with those who went before and greeting those who come after. He has seen the saints, the apostles and he has met Jesus. I envy him, and yet I know I have things yet to do here. My time, has not yet come.
Second, I know that all of this, has been a lesson. All of what was going on then, what has gone on since, and what continues to happen, are all lessons. I’m am being taught to find my way, and in that way, to learn how to better act like, be like Jesus the Christ.
Third, this has been a journey to find my strength. I have faced many things in my sixty-five years on this earth. Not all of those things have been good. I was married (and separated) before I met my now late husband. That marriage was one filled with domestic abuse. My literal escape saved my life. During that marriage I was drinking heavily, because if I was drinking, I was on his level and left alone. But you get used to the alcohol. Anyway, he found me at the bus station just as the bus to take me home arrived. The ticket agent and two Louisiana police officers and a bus that waited, got me out of there. At some point, I think just after passing the half way point, I lost the taste and desire for alcohol. I have tried to drink since, but never liked it, couldn’t tolerate the taste. It was that, “You’re not going back there” moment. I’ve had cancer. My husband and I went through many storms and trials. Then, I lost him to a heart attack in Indiana. Along the way, I had lost or forgotten the inner strength I had. Sitting here now, reading the memories, the things I wrote six years ago, I can see how far I have come on this journey. I bought a new vehicle, work has been and is being done on the house though there is still no back deck. My confusion and mental anguish is greatly diminished.
Fourth, my faith has grown. God allows us to endure many things. He does this to draw us to him and for our faith to grow deeper, stronger. We can stand in solitude, on a precipice and look out at a raging sea, we can stand on the cliffs and see the approaching storms, the winds tearing at our clothing. We can feel the energy surging around us, and fear not. I have been reminded over and over, as Jesus stilled the wind and waves with the command of ‘peace be still’ so He reminds my soul. Be still, and listen. Fear not, for I am with you, even to the end of the age. https://www.christiantoday.com/article/7-bible-verses-to-remind-you-god-is-always-with-you/107961.htm
Sitting here now, six years down the road of this journey, my heart and soul are at peace. I do miss him. I do wonder if he sees how far we have come and is proud of us. Then, I will find that penny, the one that should not be there. And I smile. Because I believe, that as God is with us, He does allow those little messages to show us, to calm us, to bring us that peace and understanding.