They say do not look back except to see how far you have come, because you are no longer there. You are no longer that person. Life and life experiences have changed you. It is up to you, as to what those changes are. Do you allow the struggles to strengthen you, or do you allow them to make you bitter?
I wrote the following in 2019, two years after my husband’s sudden death. It is said that grief is a journey, one that never really ends. We adjust and learn to live with the feelings that grief brings. Something about grief, it is similar to a tree. Its roots are our love, we are the trunk, the branches are all those in our life that we hold dear and important in some degree and respect. There will come a time, when one of those branches will fall. It hurts, it leaves a wound and a scar, but physically will eventually heal. But that scar is a reminder that one is missing. Even as we go on living, we will always remember those who have fallen.
In the course of the past six years, this journey has taught me much. Every day is a lesson if we pay attention. Those lessons, can and will bring a peace within the storm of grief. And it is a storm with the loneliness, the anger, the hurt, the love with nowhere to go. But just as Jesus stood in the boat and calmed the winds and waves of a physical storm https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark%204:35-41&version=NIV He can and will calm the storm of our emotions. He can and will help us to be at peace. He will guide us through the dark paths and strengthen us when we are weak. I know this. He has brought me this far and will be with me the rest of my journey, however long that may be.
Day 70- page 70- deep breaths (as written in 2019)
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I can tell that I’m finding my strength and my way. More importantly, I can tell that I’m not alone n this journey of growth.
I feel emotions, all emotions deeply. If I’m happy, I can be giddy with it. If I’m sad, its as if I’m knee deep in quicksand and sinking fast. If I’m angry, well we won’t go there.
Being one that feels so deeply, it is easy for things to upset a fragile balance. If I feel as if I am being attacked in some form, belittled or insulted, a spear to the heart couldn’t hurt any worse. Words and attitudes hurt. Words and attitudes can ruin a good day. Words and actions, can take a person to dark places.
If one hasn’t learned their own inner being. For a long time, I was that person.
Losing my husband forced me to make many changes. It caused me to grown and learn. I could not remain so thin skinned and survive. I had to find that inner strength and peace.
Over the course of the last two years, I believe I have found that, and many times I have seen the proof. There have been incidents where people have said things that in the past, would have sent me off into some emotional upheaval. Words that could have hurt my feelings, making me feel less worthy, now just slide off my back, harmlessly. Yes, I do still have to take those deep breaths. Yes, I do have to intentionally walk away, shaking off the emotional dust that would try to collect and harm. I have to focus my mind on other things, distract myself from what could be a perceived verbal attack, whether it was or not. I have come to see how well it works.
There have been times, when someone would say something to me, that before, would send me into a deep rage. When comments, deliberate comments or actions, that were meant to belittle were said and made to me. Things meant, to make me feel as if I wasn’t as smart, or as capable,or that my actions were less than what was expected or wished for. Now, I listen and watch and while it does still sting, it doesn’t create that deep rage. It has lost its venom and ability to create that rage. With deep breaths and patience I can walk away and observe from a distance seeking better understanding of what may have brought on the actions.
Deep breaths, patience,deliberate calm, prayers, all have brought me to a point where I can see how far I’ve come. I can stand on this hill top and look back at the road behind me. I can see the person I was then, and the person I am now. I can see the person I left behind, the weakness, the insecurity, the terror, the confusion, all dropped along the way.
I’m not a perfect person, but I am a better person. I’m not fearless, but yet I am braver. I’m not the world’s smartest individual, but I have learned much, one thing, is that I still have a lot to learn. I have learned how, to have a better control over my emotions and not allow them to control me. I have learned, that I am me, I can do the best that I am able, and learn to be content even as I learn to be better, stronger, more capable of what I am attempting to do.
Deep breaths, think first, work hard, be responsible and respectful, and do not take things so personally, even if they were meant to be, don’t give the other person that much power over me. Smile when they expect tears. Speak softly when they expect anger. Deep breaths, and walk away.
It isn’t an easy journey, but its an important and vital journey, and I in my faith, am finding my stride.
Words from The Dirt Road 