The following was originally written in 2020. At that time I was still working. I was still dealing with the many different aspects of holding a full time job. Added to the many things one faces in the day to day life. This writing, slightly altered for clarity and corrections, covers not the physical trials but the emotional journey toward growth and healing.
How strange is this, the renewal of one’s spirit? How humbling, is the chastisement given due to improper actions?
It would be very easy for me to say, I did what I did, I said what I said, because of past treatment. I did what I did, I said what I said, out of depression due to the loss of my husband. I did what I did, out of pick your choice of emotions at the moment. But those are not reasons, merely glorified excuses.
When I am not doing a part of my job that has me moving at 90mph, it is routine to the point of being able to be performed without thought of what I’m doing. During that time, my mind is free to consider other things. Today, those other things were lectures.
I know, that I have said things, shared memes, played and manipulated face book games to gain a reaction. In my loneliness and depressed state, I felt abandoned and forgotten. I knew those things would get me attention that I craved. Still, when they did get the expected results, I did not feel the desired emotions as I knew I had been fishing for those results and they were given with good intentions, but for the wrong reasons.
I could go into all the, well I was picked on as a youth. I wasn’t understood even by those who should have known me. I wasn’t given good advice on how to handle the bullies. I should have never been told agree with them and they will stop. No, I was different, they knew I was different and I was a target. Agreeing with them only gave my weakened self esteem another blow. After you hear or say something often enough, it gets stuck in there and you believe it to be true. I could go into the the abusive ex-husband and the bad marriage I escaped-literally- from. I could go on and on with all the but this or but that or if only all just excuses.
Things of the devil that I allowed to take hold.
But because of these books that I have been given at the right time to read. Even though they have been on my shelves for various periods of time. Now is the right time to read. Now, they have helped to make a difference.
With the first book a window was opened and light slipped in to the darkness that was my self imposed prison. With the next, with the explanations and the Bible verses, and the Spirit helping me understand, More light entered. The book I am reading now, that I am over half way through, has helped to open windows and doors into parts of my heart, mind and spirit that I had locked away into the dark, thinking there they would be safe.
As I read, my mind is a continuous thoughts of ‘wow wow wow wow, how true is this?’ My heart is beating faster, the Spirit within, is smiling. What a difference a few days and a couple of books has made.
Today, even as crazy as it got, even as things did not get done because we were tied up in other things, even as I didn’t get that last break and I wondered if I had forgotten anything, none of the usual negative thoughts crept in. None of the ‘can’t you do anything right? Can’t you work faster? Can’t you.. oh no you can’t because..” None of those entered my thoughts as they have tended to do in the past.
Thank you Lord, for showing me, how wrong I’ve been. thank you Lord, for showing me how you love me, even at my worst. Thank you, that you bring me the understanding that this is a journey that will not end until my time here is done. As I walk through each day, may I learn more, grow more, understand more. May I reflect all that I learn in order to bring glory to You.