Day 57– page 57 adjusting
This was originally written in 2019, I want to revisit and see where and how things are different. Here, just eight days away from six years.
So yeah, its been almost two (six) years. Maybe, just maybe, I should be further along in this journey than I am. Maybe, just maybe. I think though, that right now, I am where I am meant to be.
Grief and mourning, is an individual process. It depends on the relationship and how close you were. Whether it was a spouse, a parent, a sibling, a friend. Yet, even then, the lines are blurred, because there are those who are closer to friends than they are to family. It depends on the individual and how they deal with all things in their life. Emotions, physical challenges, all are faced differently by different individuals as we are all different. We handle the struggles how we feel best for us. We try to get the results that we hope for in the ways we think will work best.
So here I am, facing this in the only way I know how. Slowly and carefully. Just as long as I keep moving forward, that is what matters.
Even as, I do have those moments when I grow frustrated and think I ought to be further, I ought to be doing something more, something else.I know that I have managed to alienate some folks by stepping ahead of the process. Others think I ought to be further along. I hate causing anyone discomfort or pain, and the fact that I did, bothers me. Even as I move forward.
I am learning to relax, I’m learning to find moments of calm and claiming them as my own. Those brief moments when I can sit and listen to the wind, or down at the pond listening to the water in the creek. Sitting on the porch, watching the dogs and enjoying that ever present cup of coffee. Just moments.
I’m learning that I am a better person now, than I have been. That I am kinder and more able to stay calm in difficult situations. I’m learning, I can be faced with an annoying situation, and ignore it..
The journey that I’m on, this one of getting through the grief and loss, getting through those moments of sadness and times of loneliness. This journey, is not easy, it isn’t meant to be. If it were easy, then the lessons wouldn’t be there. I would learn nothing and not grow any at all. So I walk, I stumble, I crawl when need be, but I keep moving forward.
Others, on their journey may move quicker, may find their peace sooner, may find their happiness right around the next bend. I applaud their success and salute their strength. Mine is coming.
I know mine is coming because of the lessons I have been taught along this journey. The Lord walks with me, it is up to me, to listen for His voice. It is up to me, to feel His presence. It is up to me, to understand when He has sheltered me from storms known and unknown. I have sat here, feeling grief, sadness, depression trying to steal my joy. I have learned, He is with me. He is my strength. He is my peace. He is my hope. All I need to, is pay attention and accept.
Grief is a horrible thing, yet, as has been said, to grieve deeply is a sign of a deep love. Jesus the Christ grieved over Lazarus and over Jerusalem. He understands and He is here to help me through the hard times. Knowing this, understanding and accepting, makes adjusting easier.