I Know My Worth

Damn that voice in my head.

I’m struggling right now. I was fine, somewhat, earlier in the day. I went to have a bone density test done, and that went well. I guess. Even though the jeans I wore had a design on the back pockets in metallic thread. The test was over with quickly. The technician was really nice, and didn’t throw me out or take an attitude when I said something about thinking Doctor McCoy from Star Trek ought to walk in at any  moment.

Leaving there I headed for home. My son was there for lunch so I was able to speak with him briefly. I prepared a late breakfast and was able to eat before I had to go walk my parent’s dog. I commented that I might make a run to the bank to cash a check sent to me for toys for tots. When I said that she said if I did, she would really like something from a local restaurant. Okay. After a while I took her as we headed for the bank, then her desired dish. I did have a nice conversation with the bank tellers. Getting mom home I went inside, grabbed the extended warranty information and headed for the dealership about the way the radio screen in my Jeep was acting. Only my son knew I was going.

I spoke with them, they checked out what was going on and I was told they would take care of things. I had to wait on warranty decisions and ordering the parts. Leaving there, I went to fill the Jeep with fuel. Thanks to cheaper gas, I had to wait in line but it wasn’t too long of a wait.

Then, I got home, went and walked the dog and came back to the dark emotions trying to steal my joy and disrupt my peace of mind.

I know my worth and yet, there is that small voice trying to convince me that I am unworthy. I hear the whispers of not good enough. The same whispers and lies I have heard since my youth. Too different. Too weird. Too quiet. Too what ever the voice chooses that it knows will hit hard at that moment.

Then there is the feelings of being overwhelmed at times trying to take care of my parents in every way they need. I seek to be the good daughter doing what every they need, being there for them no matter what. The stress builds. Stress made worse as I struggle with the normal things in life that need to be dealt with. Taking care of the issues with my Jeep radio. Taking care with the issues with the house. Taking care of all these cats and trying to keep enough food for them. In the middle of that, I so desperately miss my husband and brother. Both of whom have been gone for years now. Moments arise when I simply don’t want to deal with it anymore, at least not on my own. Then those feelings and words on a loop, the words of ‘I told you that you weren’t capable’ play over and over.

Yet,

I know my value. Even as the voice tells me my attitude has made me unacceptable for any relationship. Even as the voice tells me that since I don’t hold a job, I am less. Even as the voice keeps repeating the same lies and making up new ones to destroy my emotional well being. I know my value.

I am a child of the King. I am an adopted child of God. He knew me before I was born and loves me with a never ending love. A love so deep He gave His only Begotten Son to pay the price for my sins that I may be forgiven and have eternal life.

https://www.crosswalk.com/faith/bible-study/what-did-god-mean-when-he-said-before-i-formed-you-in-the-womb-i-knew-you.html

https://www.biblehub.com/jeremiah/1-5.htm

At this hour, outside it is dark with a misty rain falling. I cannot take a hike, or even go out to my walking, thinking circle. I cannot seek the peace of nature in which to spend time with God. I could however go outside and sit on the front porch and allow my spirit to listen. The fact it is in the midst of the Christmas season means I have lights attached to the front of the house. I can sit and watch the lights as I listen. I can spend time reading God’s Word and seek His wisdom during this season of my life. I can spend time in prayer, giving to Him, this burden of my soul.

As it is, I know there is a reason for this storm. There are always reasons. Whether it is a test. Whether it is a lesson. Whether it is a journey through a storm meant to strengthen me or draw me closer to God. The whispers are not from God, to Him I am worthy and precious. The whispers are lies intended to draw me away. Knowing that, understanding that, is the beginning to a greater strength and peace. To be able to face the lies head on and see them as what they are, lies.

God loves me. He loves me no more or no less that He loves all. The whispers may try, but they can never take that love away from  me. With that love, I can face what comes. I can ignore the whispers and what they try to create. Because I know my worth.

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About rebecca s revels

A writer, a photographer, a cancer survivor. An adventurer of the mild kind, a lover of the simple pleasures such as long walks and chocolate. A Christian unashamed of my faith and a friend who is dependable and will encourage readily. Author of three self published books with more waiting to find their way to paper. An advocate of good things, a fighter against wrongs.
This entry was posted in adventure, education, encouragement, faith, inspiration, life's journey, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to I Know My Worth

  1. John says:

    I believe that God believes you are worthy, Rebecca, He doesn’t make junk! A hug for ya from the other side of the country. ❤️

    • And a hug for you my friend. Thank you. I think a lot of it is the dark, damp days bothering me..

      • John says:

        That sounds like my thoughts on moving back to Michigan back in 2016 after the final divorce. I was in Michigan a few days ago and didn’t like the dark and cold weather but such a treat to see my family all together again. Put on a smile He loves you! ❤️

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