Yes, I am Ignoring You, but I Don’t Like it Either

I really do not like ignoring people, but I do it anyway at times. Well men, I ignore certain men.

Long before my husband passed away, he would at random moments tell me that he knew he was going to die first. Arguing with him was pointless as he knew he was. Yes, his health was  not the best and yes, he drove a big rig long haul which is not the safest of jobs. That in itself was not proof that he would die first. Telling him that I could be in an accident or any other variety of deaths, went nowhere. After countless times of hearing him say that, I just let it go with a ‘possibly’. When he felt that I had accepted that he was in truth going to die first, he began making me promise that I would find someone else because he didn’t want me to be alone. To which I began answering with a ‘sure’, or some other noncommittal response that would satisfy him for the moment.

Then, my husband did actually die first. Not at home surrounded by family and friends but in a truck stop hundreds of miles away. This was a little over five and a half years ago. And yes, I am still single by choice. Because it is not all men whom I ignore, but those who are seeking a relationship. I do it because at this time, it is important that I remain single.

I didn’t always believe this, for a while I did seek companionship. However it is my belief, that God had much to teach me. Some lessons are very painful, but you come out stronger in the end. There have been gentlemen whom I would spend hours on the phone with, conversations that covered all manner of topics. In some of the conversations I would notice the so called red flags, but I was lonely and ignored them. I’ve done this in the past and paid high prices for accepting and ignoring the unacceptable. A couple of those relationships ended brutally and with a lot of pain. They also came with a lesson that isn’t easily forgotten. I believe, that when one feels an extreme emotion, you remember what caused it, whether it was good or bad. I have heard many comments over the course of time passing, many of which caused those red flags to wave strongly. I even had one individual tell me upfront they were searching for a friends with benefits relationship and when I refused started throwing out all manner of insults.

While I wasn’t in a hurry as some seemed to be, the thoughts of having a friendship that possibly grew into more seemed a nice dream. But that was not what was to be part of my life, at least not currently.

When the coronavirus hit and caused such an upheaval I began to realize why I was still single. It was important that I have all the time needed free to take care of my parents. They still live in their home next door to me, but there are many things that have become difficult for them to do themselves. I do everything that I possibly can for them, the things I can’t my son, brother or nephew step up and do what is needed. While I am sure that there are men out there who would understand, I do not have the time to search for them, and at the moment, little desire. 

And yet, from time to time, I get a message on social media from gentlemen. For a while I would respond to those who were actually on my friends list, but never those who were not. Now, I have stopped responding to any messages. I am even more careful on the friend requests I accept. I do not like ignoring people. It is not a part of my nature to ignore people because I have been ignored and I know the pain of rejection. I do not like causing pain, in any form. Yet, I do ignore men.

Because I do not have the time or energy to put into a relationship. My focus is on my parents. I would not be able to spend those long moments on the phone or simply jump and go somewhere. It would not be fair to the other person.

I have also come to be very comfortable on my own, doing as I please. I believe that to be part of the lesson I was being taught. I am stronger than I believe. I am comfortable and able on my own. I have to learn to be me, learn what all I can do, become strong in me, before I move forward into a relationship so to prevent that relationship from taking away who I am, as has been done in the past. I think, that for a couple to be strong together, that have to first be strong individually. Not arrogant. Not narcissistic. Not cruel or abusive. Simply knowing who they are and what they seek out of life. Knowing what they can give to make life better.

I was told once, that I am too independent. That I have built walls and refuse to allow others into my life. I think, that we all need to learn how to live independently first. Those lessons teach us what we need to know, to have a healthy relationship when the time is right. That way we don’t jump into relationships that are not meant to be, the ones where we end up being hurt in some manner. We learn not to ignore the red flags, thinking we can make things work in spite of the bad, wrong, dangers we see. And this does go for men as well. Learn yourself, your strength and worth and do not accept less.

The time may come, when I do meet the right individual at the right time. Until then, yes, I am ignoring you, and no, I don’t like it either.

About rebecca s revels

A writer, a photographer, a cancer survivor. An adventurer of the mild kind, a lover of the simple pleasures such as long walks and chocolate. A Christian unashamed of my faith and a friend who is dependable and will encourage readily. Author of three self published books with more waiting to find their way to paper. An advocate of good things, a fighter against wrongs.
This entry was posted in adventure, encouragement, faith, family, growth, inspiration, life's journey, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Yes, I am Ignoring You, but I Don’t Like it Either

  1. John says:

    Wow, Rebecca. You and I have so much in common on this subject. I too have been very reluctant to be in any kind of relationship for almost seven years now, I feel like God has me in this position for a reason, and have been fine with Chastity you could say. A plus is that I am not exposed to any STDs either. Yuck. Be well, and be single!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.