Eyes Wide Opened

One thing about growth, it is more than simply a physical thing. Well, duh, right? Here is the thing, in my humble opinion now, sometimes, you know things on the surface, but they don’t always fully sink in. Your eyes see what is going on around you, but full comprehension may not be there.

My late husband, as good of a man as he tried to be, was also an insecure man. Especially after he began that career of driving long haul trucking. Even more so after listening to other drivers complaining about their significant other back home cheating on them. Trying to calm his fears cost me a lot of friends and kept me from going to a lot of places and events. It also became an ingrained habit and lifestyle. Add that to my own anxieties and you have a mess.

My husband died on March seventh of 2017. Math wise that is over five and a half years. Nothing can happen in that time, or a great deal can happen. One can realize or not, when changes take place. Especially when the changes are gradual. When realization hits though, it can be amazing. A sort of magic to the heart.

There was a long period of grief that I won’t say is over, but will say that is now more of a warm memory. I can remember events, moments, words without the searing pain. Being alone, is not a sentence but a journey of growth and learning. A time of returning to the person I was before I was ever married. Even though, that individual was still one wounded by a confused life. One that did not know or comprehend many things that were felt very deeply and strongly. Now at sixty-five, I understand more, thanks to the journey and times of testing I have endured.

What have I learned? A lot of the usual, the things you hear and see often but don’t realize they do pertain to you. You cannot please everyone no matter how hard you try. There will be those who don’t like you for their own reasons. You don’t need to know those reasons. You are an individual, you should not try to hide or even bury your individuality for anyone. If they don’t understand, if they don’t accept you because you are you, it is their loss. Being happy, being patient, being compassionate, feels a lot better than any or all negative emotions. There is more, all the basic things that one hears often. I saw, I heard, I wished and moved on. Never realizing that these very things were becoming a part of my growth.

Once upon a time, when I needed or wanted to go somewhere, I would go. Then the troubles of life and the insecurity of others stopped that. It was easier to not go than deal with complains and arguments. That ingrained habit has made it difficult to return to the ‘just go’. Once upon a time, I would talk with whomever stood still long enough, that too was stopped. I became afraid to hold conversations. But it has been over five years and as each day ticks past, I have moved farther away from those fears.

Recently I had been receiving messages from friends at the church of which I am a member. They missed me as I had not been attending regularly. Then on my day to help in the nursery many of those stopped me and talked, asked how I had been. told me face to face I had been missed and it was good to see me. That felt amazing.

There was a local Jeep event a couple of weeks back. It was a two day event. I purchased tickets for both days even though the group I am part of was only going to be there one day. My son came up for a while but didn’t stay. I had driven to the meet up and followed the group to the event. I managed to get separated and mistakenly lead a few others off track. It wasn’t the end of the world. It was laughed off and life went on. I went the second day by myself and enjoyed myself.I actually spoke with people I didn’t know and some I did. My son was there also very briefly to help park the jeep as I do not like backing up at all.

This past weekend, there was another event. I went without my son. I drove, I followed, I spoke with people. I felt a part. Partially because several of the members have told me, ‘love you’ family love, friend love. The love that brings growth. The love you feel when you are not only told, ‘love you’ but when ‘be safe’ in any form is added. When people see you, as you and accept you for who you are. When people see you are growing and evolving and encourage you to continue to your better self.

Family can do that, and many will do that for you. But for many, that is kind of expected. Even if it is done in a tough love sort of way. My son loves to be the type who would toss you into the pool and force you to swim even when you don’t know how. When others accept and encourage, it feels different. They become a family of a different sort, one that can be just as close or at times even closer.

I know, that I have a long way to go to break free of the chains that have held me for so long. I know that the demon anxiety and insecurity still sits on my should and whispers all those ugly lies into my head. But, I am learning and growing and becoming stronger with each passing day.

We do not meet people by accident. There is a reason and a purpose behind every meeting. Each individual brings a lesson. Some may be painful, some instructional, some remind you of love, every one, brings growth. We may not see it at first. We may not realize the changes. the realization comes, when the light dawns and we look with eyes wide opened at what we had been missing. That life has become and is moment by moment becoming so much better. With our individual growth, we can then work to make life around us better as well.

One of the many photos taken at a local event. Love these people, they make me better with every meeting.


About rebecca s revels

A writer, a photographer, a cancer survivor. An adventurer of the mild kind, a lover of the simple pleasures such as long walks and chocolate. A Christian unashamed of my faith and a friend who is dependable and will encourage readily. Author of three self published books with more waiting to find their way to paper. An advocate of good things, a fighter against wrongs.
This entry was posted in adventure, education, encouragement, inspiration, life's journey, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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