He doesn’t know. Maybe he does know. Maybe at some point I told him, and he has either forgotten or chooses to let it go. Maybe, he didn’t hear me, or wasn’t ready to hear those words.
Every morning when he leaves for work, I tell him. Every day, when he leaves to return to work from lunch, I tell him. Every time he heads out on an adventure, I tell him. I tell him “be safe, I love you.” He is a grown, adult male. He is my son and I tell him that every single time. He may not hear me every time. Sometimes he is wearing that motorcycle helmet. Sometimes he makes it out the door when I’m distracted, but I say it, every time.
Why do I do this? Partially because the little reminders you see shared so often are true. You never know when things will change. You never know when the last time will be that you see someone. You want those last words to be positive.
The other reason, I did not say it, the last time I spoke with my husband. Our last conversation was short to being abrupt. He was feeling sick, I could barely understand what he was saying and he was angry. His last words were “Bec, let me go.” So I hung up. I did not tell him I loved him. I did not tell him to be safe or careful. I hung up.
And that haunts me to this day. Its been over five and a half years, and it still haunts me that I did not tell him that I loved him. I just ended the call and went about my day. I tried to call him at every break. I slipped around and tried to call between breaks. I had no idea that he had died, probably within minutes of that last call. When I found out, when the call came, the first one an accidental telling, the official one came a couple of hours later, I remembered, I did not tell him. I tried to always tell him, no matter how long or short the call. No matter how frustrated or even angry he was over what he was dealing with, I tried to always tell him. I wanted him to remember, that no matter where he was or what he was dealing with, he was loved and loved deeply. I told my manager at the time, “He could be an ass, but he was my husband. I didn’t want him dead, just calmed down.” I did not tell her, or probably anyone other than maybe my son at some point, that I didn’t tell him that I loved him.
And it haunts me. There is a level of guilt in that which has eased, but I doubt will ever fully go away. My husband was a Christian. He is better now than he ever was. He has been healed of all his health issues. He has been reunited with all of our families who went before him. He is walking the streets of gold with our Lord and Savior. He has met the prophets and the Apostles. The Biblical lessons my husband could not get because of being on the road all the time, he is learning now first hand. I would not ever wish him back to what this life has become. Even as my omission of those words bother me.
It is true. Tell those you love. Tell them every chance you get, that you love them. Make sure they know how important they are to you. Don’t let it bother you if they ignore you. Don’t allow them to prevent you expressing how you feel. If they chastise you, let them, but tell them anyway. Whether it is a parent, a child or any family member, or those friends who are, ‘those’ friends. The ones who make life better, simply because they are part of your life. You can do this, without being creepy.
The Bible tells us there are seven types of love: http://www.steppesoffaith.com/faith/7-types-love-bible At some point in time, we will feel some of these if not all. This, tells us that we are created to love and to desire love in return. Even when we attempt to ignore or deny, we all wish for love in some form. When we are able to share and show love, this is an incredible experience. One that is healing for a hurting spirit, and good for a compassionate soul. They are not mere words, they are words with special power and gifts. We may never realize how desperately one wants to hear those words. We may never know, how those words can heal and change a life.
The guilt and remorse I feel over not telling my husband in that last conversation that I love him, has become that thorn in my flesh. https://www.christianity.com/wiki/bible/what-is-a-thorn-in-the-flesh.html It is my reminder to never forget, to never neglect to tell of the love I feel. To remind and let those around me know, they are loved. Because God first loved me so deeply, that He sent His Son, to pay a price that I could not pay. God’s mercy and grace is so real, so deep, so true that He wants me, but not just me, but all who will come to Him, to live an eternal life with Him, in love and peace.
Say the words and say them often. They are not just words. They are a gift.
We are sojourners in this life. Visitors, traveling to our real home. In this journey, we are to act as Jesus the Christ. Showing compassion, sharing love for all whom we meet.