Taking Honest Stock

I really don’t mean to be rude. I feel though that I often come across that way no matter how hard I try to not. And it all has to do with dating or not dating, or avoiding dating. Confused? Yeah, I sometimes even confuse myself.

I was recently asked if I were dating. No. I’m not and one of the main reasons is because I spend so much time taking care of my parents and needing to be here for them that it wouldn’t be fair. It would not be fair to expect someone to understand if I have to suddenly change any plans. It would not be fair to expect someone that my first priority right now, is them. My parents gave me life and they were there for me during all times of my life. They were there when I needed them, now its my turn. Even if that means a sudden change in any plans midstream. If they need me, I will be there. Even if it means sleeping (trying) in a recliner in a hospital room. Leaving only to get a quick shower and something they may need from home. Even if it means making calls and delegating from  said hospital room, to make sure things get done. How could a relationship get a decent start that way?

Don’t applaud or pat me on the back. I don’t do what I do, I’m not writing this for attention for doing what is right. I’m merely attempting to explain and bring to light what lies behind my near reclusive actions.

We are all individuals with our own preferences. Taste in ice cream, taste in music, in clothing, the movies we prefer to watch. Each preference making us who we are. And then, there is me. I feel sort of like that caterpillar trapped in the cocoon, attempting to escape but unable. Wanting to be the amazing butterfly if I could only push through the insecurity that keeps me prisoner. Because I am so many different styles, likes and preferences mixed up in one.

I enjoy walking along the beach, feeling the waves and the sun while picking up shells. I love the mountains. That cool air and amazing views. I love attempting to capture the beauty in photography and share the feelings in words. I enjoy a very diverse amount of music, with so little that I don’t care for. I dress fairly conservatively but would love to release my inner hippy. I would love to travel, but I love being at home. I enjoy conversations, but I also grow weary of talking after a while. But I will talk, or I will listen as long as needed. I enjoy sitting around a fire, whether in a pit or fireplace. I enjoy walking in the snow or on a summer hike. Wading in creeks or playing in puddles, dancing in the rain. And yet..so much more. I would love to go to a theater for a play, go to concerts, go to ball games and races. I am diverse, but not so hard to understand. 

I scroll through social media a lot. I see how I’m similar, and I see how I differ. I no longer imbibe in alcohol. I quit smoking thirty-four years ago. I have never used illegal or abused legal drugs. So much out there revolves around drinking. I don’t judge those who do, I can be around those who drink socially. But having been in an abusive relationship in the past, I really don’t care for it in my life. That takes away a whole lot of people.

There is also that fear factor. I am reviving the person I was before I was ever married and stuffed me into a box and allowed myself to be changed to fit their requirements. I want to be accepted as me. The nice, the strange, the quirky, the downright odd at times. I want to be accepted, but also challenged. I want to be better, stronger, secure in me and ready to take on what comes. I don’t need a father figure. I don’t need a protector. I don’t need someone telling me I have built walls, I know that. I need someone who can respect the hurt that built those walls and see that the walls aren’t for scaling, but building doors can still be possible.

I do know, that with each day, I feel better. I feel stronger. I feel more…well a little bit more, courageous. I feel more secure in me, like me? Accept me? I will do the same in return. Don’t like me? Oh well. That’s your loss cause I can be a heck of a friend.

The thing is, any of us could write such a post. Any of us could say, this is me, or that is me. Any of us could share that we have these preferences and enjoy doing these things. We all simply seek understanding and acceptance. I have learned, that first and foremost, we have to learn to accept ourselves. We have to take the time to learn who we are, what we are about, and to look at that reflection in the mirror with a nod and a smile. Once we like ourselves, once we are able to be alone with ourselves, and be happy, then we can seek that special relationship. Once we learn to trust again, once we feel peace within, once the healing has taken hold, then we can move forward into what ever waits.

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