Don’t Poke the Bear

The following was written yesterday, followed by today’s thoughts.

Its bothering me, I won’t lie. One reason I did not watch the trial and not a lot of the videos is because of the potential triggers. It has been thirty-nine years, thirty nine years since I endured a beating that I thought would kill me. Thirty nine years since I planned my escape from someone seemingly hell bent on destroying me. For the most part I had left the nightmare behind, moving on with a renewed life in survivor mode. Physical bruises heal. Broken bones heal. The psychological, emotional though, takes longer. It also lurks there in the background of your mind awaiting that trigger that opens the door allowing it to slip out. Allowing it to make itself know, reminding you of what happened.

I was in that situation for almost two years. The main thing I learned, don’t poke the bear. Don’t stir up a fight that you’re probably not going to win. Especially when dealing with on who is drunk or high off chemical substances. A sober person, without anger issues, is more apt to have that sense of I shouldn’t do this, not all but maybe most. One who is not sober, has none. It was my experience that reasonable thought processes are lost and one simply acts or reacts. Quickly going from that good ole boy hanging out, to one raging in anger. Once that anger level is reached, it is best to find somewhere to hide and wait it out. I found myself doing everything I could to pacify and satisfy demands.

Why did I stay? He had moved us hundreds of miles away from my family. I was the only one working but bringing home very little. I felt trapped. After all his mental abuse, I felt as if I deserved what he was doing.

What I did not do, ever, was antagonize him. I did not do or say anything that would put myself in danger. What I did do,   was remain as strong as possible. I remained as determined as possible. I didn’t go running crying. Though others saw. What I also did, was begin drinking wine, a lot of wine. I was never one who drank, and I do not imbibe now. But I did then. I did because as long as I was drinking, I was down there on his level and he left me alone. Its been thirty-nine years since I’ve been drunk. It was a crutch that is no longer needed. But drinking reminds me of then, so I refrain.

My point to this, my opinion, she lost that trial for many reasons. But to me, one of the biggest was hearing those recordings of her taunting him, insulting him, ridiculing him. Admitting that she struck him. Announcing to the world how she poked the bear. Coming from someone who is claiming to have been abused, while someone who is  a real domestic survivor wouldn’t do.

So now I am sitting here, reading the postings and comments from others. I’m reading their thoughts and opinions. I’m seeing the difference in actions and attitudes in the videos. I’m hearing the accounts and I’m remembering. Because even after all this time, the memories are still there but so are the lessons. So is the empathy. So is the knowledge and understanding of what one would do in a situation such as this, and definitely what one would or should not do.

I’m sitting here this morning, considering what I wrote yesterday and things that have happened over the course of time between then and now. So in an attempt to step back from the emotions that this trial triggered within me I want to look at this thing some more. I want to explore if I am really as wrong or blinded as I was accused of being.

You had two people suing and counter suing each other. Two very different personalities and presentations. Both of whom have issues, both of whom need to address those issues. Hopefully in private and not out in the public forum once again. Even though, it has already been said that Amber Heard plans to appeal the verdict.

But let’s explore this. Remember that all of this is my own speculation and opinion as I was not at the trial nor do I personally know either of the individuals.

Did Johnny Depp win because he was seen as Captain Jack Sparrow? Did his star status secure things in his favor while Amber Heard’s personality and fewer credits cost her? Did he win this due to popularity alone?

It was painfully obvious that Johnny Depp had the better legal team. Yet, in the watching of videos, I wonder something. How much a part of some of their actions while court was going on, cost Amber and her lawyers. Her side was stoic, quiet, almost cold in their presence, while the other side were laughing, conversing, eating candy.

Was Amber Heard’s apparent attitude and actions in court one of strength brought on by what supposedly happened during the relationship? Had she been driven to the point where there was only anger and cold left? Or was it something else?

I have read, and been told that this has been a set back for women. That even having evidence isn’t enough. I beg to differ. Evidence is enough, as long as you don’t doctor or falsify said evidence. Which is what appears to have happened to some of what was introduced. (Hearsay and speculation?) Of course I am going on what I saw through video and have no access to the actual evidence. The one thing I do know, is that everything can be handled in such a way to sway judgement and opinion. Photos and videos can be edited in a way to show what is wanted, leaving out anything that may change how it really was. Did that happen here? Again I don’t know.

Again, was it a set back for women, or a door opening for men, for all who are abused? An individual who is being abused is often-not always-abused by someone who can convince the world that they are a good person. In gatherings, my ex was seen as friendly, outgoing, helpful in many ways. At home alone, a switch was flipped, Dr. Jeckle became Mister Hyde. Gender doesn’t matter in abusive situations. Both men and women can be abusers. Those who are abused do not want to step forward and seek help as no one wants to believe their significant other would or could do such a thing. That is especially true for men who are being abused. They do not want to appear to be weak and incapable of being a man. All the while they are attempting to remain strong and not retaliate. And this can lead to substance abuse, reread my comments above.

My thoughts?  Steps toward finding a way to curb or even end domestic abuse, learn and understand our own worth. Know how to see the red flags that warn us that something or someone isn’t right for us. Follow that warning and walk away. Another is make it known. Bring about better understanding of the fact that it is happening. That we are causing harm to each other. Do not become a slave to substance abuse. Recognize our own faults and issues and work to correct them and better ourselves for ourselves first. Then we can become a better partner.

If you are in an abusive situation, find the inner strength within you to leave. Create an elaborate escape plan if you must. I did, its humorous looking back now, but it worked and I survived. For the women, find a shelter that will protect you until you can be safe. Men, find your inner strength. Seek another place to live. If there are children involved, do what is best for them.

All of these are (some of) my thoughts and opinions. Can I be wrong? Considering the trial, obviously I can due to limited knowledge. Even though it seems that in the trial between Amber Heard and Johnny Depp there were no secrets kept untold. My thoughts, are step away from the famous, the notoriety and look at the ordinary citizen. Did this trial do harm to them? Are women now more at risk because “team Johnny” was victorious? Will they have to be stronger in many ways should they seek help? Will that help be harder to find, because of this trial? Admittedly that may be a possibility, even as one would hope not. Even as one would hope that local authorities would look to the individual and not the so called famous.

Has my opinion changed on the trial? No. I still think Amber lost due to her own actions. Because if you poke a bear often enough, they will finally break.

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