I need a dirtle. (pronounced like turtle with a D)
While my son and I were with friends at Bristol Motor Speedway watching the race, I heard the announcer mention the dirtles. I was both amused and confused. What…is a dirtle? Turns out that the dirtle were these large white blocks at the edge of the track. They were intended as markers to prevent the cars from going off track and into the infield. Makes sense to me and obviously to NASCAR. No one really wants a stock car moving at speed to come hurtling at them. So there are dirtles.
Right now, I feel like the infield pit area of a track with a slew of cars circling. I don’t mind being the pit crew, there for any need that I can help with in any way possible. But sometimes, I feel as if I need that dirtle. Especially since I have been told that I do need me time as well. Instead, right now I am constantly on alert, like a driver’s spotter up on the stands watching for issues and needs. Ready to direct and redirect in a millisecond’s notice. My scheduled week was Monday my son coming in from Talladega, Alabama. Tuesday take mom’s dog to be groomed then later go back for her. Wednesday…today, is take dad to the doctor, Thursday was take mom to pay their insurance, Friday is take mom grocery shopping, see my son off on adventure, and Relay for Life that evening. Instead I ended up taking mom to the insurance place yesterday so who knows what tomorrow will bring. I also ended up helping dad relocate some of his stuff from one building to another. When I tried to put it off, he said he would do it himself which would mean climbing up on stuff to reach what he wanted. So, I spent a couple hours removing and moving what he wanted. There was so much dust and fuel smells in that building (from the lawn mower) that I’m still coughing this morning. I also figure that mom will want to visit the Farmer’s Market Saturday.
There are so many people in situations seemingly beyond their control who need someone to listen. The situations are different, the need the same, please hear me. Please help me feel as if someone cares. If you can do something, please do, if not, just help me feel heard. Help me feel that I am somewhat important in some way, shape or form. Help me feel less alone, less abandoned. Yeah, I know that feeling.
Don’t get me wrong, I feel it a blessing to be here for those who need me. I am blessed to be able to help my parents so to keep them as safe as possible. I can tell the difference in them, I see how time and aging has made doing things difficult. I am more than willing to be here for them. I know too that it isn’t just me. My son does what he is able, my sister in law next door is there for them, her daughter and her husband are there for them. My brother does what he can. They all have jobs and families of their own, things they have to work around. I don’t work and my son is grown, so here I am…crew chief of the pack.
I need a dirtle.
I have really been wanting to take my sweet yet protective dog and head up to hike the mountain, but the phone rings. “Are you busy?” the question I know is coming. And even if I were disarming explosives or some other life saving venture, I’d tell them no, what do you need. Because they are my parents and they did a lot for me growing up and afterwards. If I say I’m running to town for a minute, “Oh, can I go too?” Sure mom, I’ll be right there. My mother asked me if I got photos of the flowers blooming behind her house. Nope, I didn’t get the chance. Well they’re dead now so you missed out. There are no officials telling anyone they overshot their pit box so here we go. I smile and mumble something about next time.
The thing is, my family and friends are important to me. I really don’t mind being here for them, even when I hang my head (unseen) and wish for that dirtle. It does have me realizing something though, I am here helping a few people. The Almighty God, is here for all. He is hearing the prayers, the pleas, the cries of everyone. He answers as to His plans. We pray, asking for healing for ourselves or others. That healing may come in this life, or the next. We pray for assistance in our needs. That may come from outside sources lead to help, or may come from a finding of strength and resources within our own abilities. The list is endless, so is God’s love and patience. So I really do not need a dirtle, I need to step aside and have a prayerful chat with God and give it to Him. All the frustrations, all the stress, all the feelings of not being helpful enough, not being patient enough, not being appreciative enough. He will take it all and renew my strength to be able to be there for those who need someone like me. Even as I try to be a reflection of He who is greater and more able than I will ever be.