One of those struggle days.
I’m not going to lie here, I try to be honest. Well, unless someone asks me how I’m doing and it isn’t one of the better days. I still say I’m fine, because I know I will be. I just have to get there, and I will. But today and the past couple days, have not been sunlight and roses days.
We all struggle from time to time. Things don’t go as planned, the grief of missing someone shows up in a big way, weather or time of year has you suffering from the winter blues. I know, that is a very short list of all the things that can cause one to have a bad day. If I tried to include them all, I would never stop writing.
For the past few days, I have battled a sadness, a longing for something missing. This too shall pass, I know that. It is all in the waiting.
I have been missing my late husband, those long hugs that would make the world go away and you just felt at home. I miss the company of someone who wants to have long conversations, hike the trails, enjoy a cup of coffee while watching a sunset. I miss long rides to somewhere or nowhere.
I’ve come a long way since my husband’s passing, but that doesn’t mean the sadness and grief is gone. He was a part of my life for so long, the memories will insure that from time to time, the grief will show. It isn’t a painful, debilitating grief, just a missing, longing, loving sadness. Like that cloud that briefly covers the sun and is then gone.
But it isn’t just not being in a relationship that is an issue. Because I’m not really sure I’m interested in attempting that again yet. For many reasons, but mostly because even though I miss some things, I have grown content in others. I have full control of what I do or don’t do and right now that is important. Selfish? No. I don’t think so.
There is also the feelings of being an outsider, not fitting in or belonging in a lot of situations. This is something that has been with me for as long as I can remember. Something I combat every time I find myself in a group setting. My son lectures me on my wall flower actions but being that outgoing is not easy. Though it would be much nicer to feel a part of what ever is happening rather than an observer so I am trying.
But that’s me, that’s what is stealing my peace. That is the sadness that I need to fight against and not listen to. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad, lonely, or any of the other descriptive words, but the important thing is not allowing them to take root.
I’ve been here before and I know I will be again. I have learned how to stand up to and fight against the emotional struggles. I spend time with the dogs or cats feeling the love that comes from them. I hike, somewhere. Even if the hike is just the circle out on the far side of my yard. It gets me outside in the air and nature. I pray. Whether while I’m hiking, sitting alone, or when I awaken in the middle of the night. I listen to music or read. I have a project in mind that I will give a try. And, as you see here, I write. I get it out there. I share so that others will know that this happens to us all. We can overcome the sadness. It isn’t always easy. We may feel as if we are alone in the world and no one cares, but we aren’t and they do.
It is important that we do not attempt to handle the sadness, the depression alone. To do so, could allow the sadness to gain too strong a hold making escaping more difficult. When you close yourself off from the world, building walls and digging moats finding happiness is difficult. Allowing a compassionate heart in to help guide and strengthen you is essential.
Accepting who we are, is important. We gain an understanding that we feel different, because we are different. We are meant to be unique. That very thing, is what makes us special. Once we learn to accept and make the best of who we are, then we see that life is a much better, more fun place after all.