Well okay. I’m paying for my moment of …arrogance? stupidity? stubbornness? My back is still reminding me of my less than intellectual move yesterday. I did not sleep well last night as every time I shifted position I awoke in pain. Not agonizing rush me to medics pain, but the you’re not sleeping well tonight pain. Molly woke me barking needing to go out around eight this morning. My movements to let her out were a bit on the slow side, but she waited patiently. As I walked, shuffled (?) through the living room I saw that the so called smart bulb my son installed in the lamp was shifting colors. I had noticed it last night and brought it to his attention. It was his doing as he also has these bulbs in his room and was messing with friends online last night. He hadn’t realized that changing the bulbs in his room was also effecting that bulb. He was having such a good time last night online, that he simply forgot to stop the color shifting.
Now, both dogs are outside. The cats have been fed and I have my coffee. I also still feel every movement. That dull, aching pain that doesn’t get worse, but doesn’t ease off either. After I eat, I will look to see if I have any over the counter pain medicine. I so rarely use it that I have no idea if there is even anything in the cabinet.
There are things here that inspire contemplation. Did I learn anything from this? How does this, fit in with life? Now, as always, my comments here are mainly a self exploration. Even as I hope through my journey to offer insight, hope and encouragement to those who come along to read.
I injured my back by moving something alone, that I should not have. The weight was not so much the issues as the item and its size. It was not heavy, it was awkward and difficult to keep balanced. Then there was the opening the door while trying to maintain that balancing act. Oh I got the package inside, I did succeed in that, but there is no celebration in my success because it did not come without consequences. I kick myself because before I attempted the move, the thought briefly crossed my mind that I should wait. But I wanted to get this project inside and taken care of myself so that when my son came in from work I could point and say, something along the lines of ‘look, I did it myself’. Arrogance, stubbornness, ignorance, pain. Simply because I wouldn’t wait a couple of hours and seek the assistance that would have kept me out of this current situation.
How often have I made similar mistakes in my sixty four years of life? How many times I have jumped when I should have waited? How much pain could have, would have been avoided if I had not moved without taking into full consideration what I was doing?
I jumped into my first marriage without fully thinking it through. It was a nightmare made by both parties. I lost a lot, but gained in other ways. My maturity levels jumped as did my understanding of real life. I was no longer the protected daughter, I was an adult out in the world. When the inevitable happened and the marriage failed, I had to pick up the pieces and move forward.
When my husband died, I was faced with a journey that I had hoped would not come so soon. Death comes for us all though, many times unexpected. We may not know the hour, but we can prepare for those we leave behind. My husband did have a life insurance policy, it simply wasn’t enough. It helped, it got me out of the ocean of debt and into the pond, I simply needed to learn how to financially swim better.
All along this journey of life, things will happen that create speed bumps, detours or delays. Every event that we face, is a lesson. Every moment, every step, is a growth process. We simply need to see it as such. I have often heard and read the words that life does not have an instruction manual. But in truth, it does. It is called the Bible. Within the pages are words that help deal with every situation we face. It may have been divinely inspired and written centuries ago, it still lives and inspires and instructs us today. The words are still vital to living life fully and well. Within the pages are words dealing with grief, finances, faith, how to treat and care for others. Within the pages are words dealing with trust, hope, facing fear, love. The words within, cover everything. They are there, waiting to be read, to be understood, to be remembered.
In sixty-four years, I have faced many storms and struggles. Like that smart bulb shifting from one color to another, life changes. It shifts moment by moment to something different, new and challenging. I stood on the precipice looking out over what was before me thinking, “I’ve got this” only to be shown time and again, I jumped without consideration. I made what could have been easy, difficult. I have stood in the dark, thinking myself alone, when God’s light shone down reminding me I am not. Even as I made and continue to make mistakes because I want to appear or think myself capable of handling situations alone. Thinking I can do just so I can point and boast, “Look, I did that all by myself”. All the while making things more difficult than they would have been. Even as I struggle through the storm, frustrated and in pain. Even as I know deep down, that all I had to do was wait a moment and ask for the help I needed, from the One who waits patiently to give it readily and freely.
Even as I sit here, feeling each painful reminder, I don’t berate myself for my impatience. I don’t curse the pain, because it is a reminder of all I said. As parents, we see our children struggling, stubbornly refusing our help as they seek to accomplish the task before them. We wait and watch. When the struggle becomes too much, when they can’t accomplish the task they face and their frustration or maybe even some physical pain occurs, then we step in and help. When the lesson has been learned and assistance is more readily accepted. God the Father is that way as well. He waits and watches, knowing our stubbornness and immature determination. When we finally see that we cannot, then He steps in and does. Yet He allows those painful reminders as lessons.