I always feed the outside cats on the back steps, but its raining. Not heavily, but enough that eventually the dry would become soup. When I took food out to them, I carried the dish part way across the yard and placed it under a table beside the swing. Thinking there it would be out of the rain and easily found. Two of the four cats were outside and watched me carry the dish, then proceeded to search the steps. I looked out a few minutes later and all four cats were out on the steps waiting. I walked out there with another smaller dish of food to see a new cat with them but not. It was standing beside the steps, trembling. Obviously a young adult that has to be at least part Maine Coon. The poor thing looked so afraid but wanting to trust badly. I felt that if it could speak it would ask for help. It walked over to the swing beside the table where the first dish of dry food was placed. Barely a foot away from the food, it never found it. In the end, it turned and walked off slowly into the woods. The other cats ate some of what was on the steps, then decided they didn’t want to be in the rain, so I moved the dish under the steps out of the rain. They’ve been back twice looking, but now can’t find their food.
How often is it the same for us? The food we need there for us, but seemingly hidden. How often, do we remain in the dark and hungry, because we don’t take the extra effort in searching for what is so close? How often, do we wander away unfulfilled, out of fear and lack of trust? How often, do we become so accustomed to the hunger, that we accept the emptiness as our normal?
As I sit here, on this second day of a new year, looking forward, I am feeling a hunger. A hunger for better, for different. A hunger for change. Change that can and will only come, when I take the time to search for the nourishment needed.
What needs changing?
My health practices. I have spent too much time in this chair and not moving. The trips to the mountain have become too infrequent. There are many ways to move. I live in a rural area that allows for hikes in nature. There are also many greenways, many parks, many walking tracks. There are gyms, there are groups who offer classes, there are options out there, we need but to look and ask. My diet as well. I have over the holidays taken to consuming too much sugar and junk. That needs to stop and more healthy options chosen.
My belief in self. I have allowed too many outside factors to weaken my inner strength. Too many rolled eyes. Too many snarky remarks. Too many times being ignored. Too many trolls seeking to make me appear less to others, and to myself. Too many times I have heard, you can’t, to the point I began to believe. There were those who was supposed to love and encourage, yet due to their narcissism or any of the other attitudes that bring about abuse, I was beaten down physically, mentally and emotionally. But, that time is in the past, that time is in the rear view mirror and it is time to move on. There are many ways for those being or having been abused to find their healing. Through counseling, through family and friends, through shelters, through faith. We need but look and ask.
My literacy. My son is an amazing, walking talking wealth of knowledge. If he doesn’t know it right off, he knows exactly where to go for the needed information. I am proud of him because so many tried for so long to make him less. He has proven them wrong time and again. I want to be like my son. He has proven how curiosity and time has allowed his knowledge, and comprehension to grow. All we need do is seek the information of what we hunger. There are books, videos, pod casts. There are family and friends. There are the elders who gladly share the past so as to prevent its loss. It is there, for those willing to seek it out.
My courage. I believe, what I have done is adopted an attitude of “I don’t have to, so I won’t”. I believe that in the past I was forced so many times to do things against my desires that now I stubbornly refuse to go. Even to things I would enjoy. That isn’t the only reason. There are also the social awkwardness I feel. Here too, I envy my son. He barges into a group like that bull in the china shop. Like him, accept him or not, that is unimportant. He definitely makes his presence known. I need that. I have witnessed others do that very same thing. Hello, I’m so and so and I’m here. Ta Da!! While I am sure there are many ways to work on this, groups, books, self help talks, friends who want to see you succeed, I believe the best thing here is simply be bold and go into the fray like that bull in the china shop. I’m so and so, I’m here! Ta Da!!
My contentment. There are many things I am content with, but many I still struggle over. I watch all the delivery trucks traveling our dirt road and I wish. Not for material things I don’t need, but for the ability to buy if I wanted. I wasn’t happy over Christmas not so much because I received so little, but because I could give so little. I want to be generous, but if I can’t materially, then how? Time, compassion, acceptance, understanding, friendship. Those are gifts as well. This solitary lifestyle has its moments. While most of the time is fine, there are the occasional need for a friend moments. But then..see above. It isn’t material things that are lacking and cause issues. I am happy in my home, with my car, with family and friends. It is a restlessness that appears and gives the impression that something is missing.
My faith.As a Christian, I am a Follower of Jesus the Christ. I believe in God and His omnipotence. What I do need, is growth in that faith.I need a more full understanding in what being Christian means and how to implement that in my life and living. That too is provided. Through being part of a Bible believing church family. Through a relationship with fellow Believers. Through reading the Bible and other Bible based materials. Through prayer, talking with God and listening for the answers.
I do realize that I write of these things often. I will admit that it is deliberate. Just as we need to eat to feed our bodies physically so as to be able to function we also need the mental and emotional food. Given to us through family, friends, blog posts. Through the many and varied methods that are out there waiting to be found and consumed. We need the reminders, we need the self examination so as to understand our own personal needs. When we understand what is lacking, it is then we can seek out what will help us to change and grow. Physical food nourishes and strengthens the body. Learning something new, strengthens the mind. Courage strengthens the will. Social interactions strengthens the heart. Faith, strengthens the soul.
I don’t make new year resolutions. I do seek new ways to make the days and myself better. Today is page two of a new book of adventure and life. May we all make this one a year to be excited and filled. May we find what we believed hidden and use it for its true purpose, feeding the person we are and helping us to become who we are meant to be.