I’m sitting here once again, alternating between watching the sun play hide and seek behind the clouds and the cats playing out back. Slash the cat is back this morning and he was starving. I’m also contemplating this past year and what awaits its turn in the coming year.
I’m still struggling with the unexpected, early retirement thing. I had often joked that I would work right up until my funeral. God had other plans. I was needed here at home. This virus and all the problems it has caused along with my parent’s ages, I was needed here for them. I take that position as an honor and a blessing. I’m adjusting to the not having a set schedule. Sleeping past four in the morning took a bit of adjustment, though no longer having the stress factor from work is a good thing. I do miss the company of coworkers, but that too has become less of an issue.
I’m still working on the fear factor. I have a cap that has faith over fear emblazoned across the front that I wear ever so often. Usually it is hanging on a nearby chair as a reminder. I do need those from time to time. Who am I trying to fool? I need those constantly.
My son makes a point of calling me a recluse, afraid to leave the house. He is partially correct. I fear getting into situations I won’t know how to handle. Even though as a lead person where I used to work, I faced situations on a daily basis, it was in something I knew. Since I am no longer there, the things I face or would face are all knew and unknown. I try to see them as an adventure, but the little devil of fear on my shoulder is louder than the angel of bravery. Because I too many times allow it control. Though I am trying, maybe not hard enough. Maybe, I put too much me, ahead of my faith, ahead of Jesus. Who has full control. Maybe, in my reclusive ways, I see too much of only me, and not enough of the Lord. Without Him, I am nothing. With Him, I am everything.
I’ve mentioned to many around me often, that I want to publish again. I have several manuscripts started, then abandoned. I have many ideas that never begin. I allow the, ‘what would I do with in once finished’ thoughts to prevent the manuscript from ever being written. Those two conversationalist on my shoulder arguing over whether I should seek a traditional publisher or do it all on my own. The two who argue whether I can or can’t accomplish my goal. The two, that I have allowed to remain arguing much too long. One needs to go. Self doubt and fear are no longer welcome.
The one thing I can say, is that in my writing and sharing, I seek to be fully open and honest. I admit my shortcomings and struggles in life even as a Christian with strong faith and belief. This past year has been another one of battles, of struggles, of wins and losses. We have overcome and we have been set back. As long as we breathe, there is hope, there is a chance, there are possibilities.
I look back on this year winding down, and I see where I fell short, but I also see growth. I see the small steps I took, the doors that have begun to open and I know, the year was not a total loss. In many ways, it was a win. There are no metals or ribbons, there are lessons learned, strength gained, blessings understood.
I look back on this year, soon over, and I see all the times of when God was with me. He strengthened me in my weak moments. He encouraged me in my struggles. He used me for others in their struggles. He was with me, even when I felt alone and abandoned. He has been the Light in my darkness and Shelter in my storms. This I have learned, this I have found peace in, this gives me cause and purpose to keep trying and believing.