I need to get moving.
I keep debating over whether to leave the decorations up for a few more days, or take them down. Nothing is in the way. The house will look very empty and plain once the colors and symbols of the Christmas season are packed away. However, if they are put away, it will be much easier to clean. It is however a lot less fun, a lot more time consuming, to put them away because the anticipation is not there.
Part of me wants to go ahead and put them away because it has not been the best Christmas for me. Even as it is my own fault for the most part. I allowed what I was missing, or what I thought was missing, to cloud the joy. I allowed it to over shadow the real reason and importance. I didn’t fully see the gifts that were there Christmas morning and are there every morning.
Part of me has grumbled and complained, whimpered and whined, feeling taken advantage of by some. Feeling they don’t understand. Then I get a heart felt thank you, that shines with appreciation from one of the most important individuals. My son had been telling me constantly over the few days before Christmas, but when the other spoke up, it helped.
As I sit here, sipping on yet another cup of coffee, I long ago lost count, my thoughts suddenly are more clear. It isn’t so much the decorations that I am wishing and needing to pack away, it is all of the emotions and false hopes and wants.
When my husband was alive, he would ask me what I wanted for my birthday or Christmas. I would have no idea what to tell him as I really don’t need a lot, not then and not now. He insisted on an answer so I could grab some idea out of the air and leave it to him if he purchased that or not. My son gifts me nearly every day with his presence and his intelligence. He has learned over the course of the past nearly five years how to do so many things. Taking care of needed repairs as he is able. If I am fully honest, and that is what I strive for in my writing, I did not need anything for Christmas. Yet, it still bothered me there was nothing under the tree. My inner child wanted something, anything, it would not have mattered in the least what it was.
I need to drag out a box, one that won’t be stored to be opened at a later date. I need to place the box in a central location and start dumping the problems inside.
The jealousy over what others received. The jealousy over the photos of loving couples. The beautifully decorated homes and yards. The envy of those who get out and enjoy life.
The fear of doing. I need to remind myself moment by moment that God did not give us a spirit of fear. That emotion is solely there created and placed by the devil to prevent us from living life as we should. It stops us from going, from doing, from enjoying the life we have. So what if I take a drive and get turned around. It isn’t lost, its an exploration, its an adventure, it a growing moment of discovery.
Self pity. I know this to be true, and yet ever so often, I have to throw a pity party. It isn’t fun, it solves nothing. It needs to go.
The over the top, unnecessary anger at myself for feeling a failure due to not working, not writing that manuscript that would become a best seller, not being as financially secure, not being the person I feel I should be, instead of being happy with who I am.
Any and all self destructive emotions need to be placed within that box, sealed and disposed of properly. Note that I said self destructive. Not all dark emotions are bad, we need to feel them ever so often. It is a part of being human. The important thing, is to not allow them to take over our life in harmful ways. We should not allow them to prevent happiness. We should not allow them to cause us to hide away. We should not allow them to cause us to feel less than who we are and are meant to be. Feel them, understand them and the reason they are here, deal with them properly and then return to living.
There is also the fact that we can enjoy the rain as much as the sun. One cannot build true mud castles, bake mud pies or sail that leaf or stick ship across the mud puddle lake without the rain. One cannot feel the mud squish between your toes or dance in the rain, unless it falls. There is the saying, there is no rainbow, without the rain. That is true. And that, is what I need to remember. That is what I want to share. We are more than our emotions, as important as they are, as much a part of us as they are, they are not fully who we are.