December Twenty-eighth, When a Dragon Isn’t a Dragon After All

Stress is the dragon in my room.

I have been stressed before, but never like this. I never had to fully handle it physically on my own. Even though my son is with me, its not quite the same. Or maybe I am making it not the same. Or maybe, I am looking at it wrong, maybe, I am turning a lizard into a dragon.

I have battled times when the money wouldn’t stretch. I would pay Peter, borrow it back to pay Paul and then hope that I didn’t have to pay another visit to Peter. At that time though, my husband was alive and we both worked. We were both contributing toward getting bills paid off. I am not currently in the same as bad situation. Each bill gets paid without having to borrow from other funds. It is tight though. I try not to touch my emergency funds because one never knows what may crop up. What event may happen that I’ll need those funds. My son does pay the power bill and otherwise help as he is able. We aren’t in danger, but the struggle is real. There are things I miss, things I could use..such as health insurance but so far, so good.

There have been times when mom or dad needed something and we were there to help. It wasn’t a full time position though. Now, I have said it before, I will say it again because I mean it. I am very glad that I am able to be here for them. I know how blessed and lucky I am to still have them with us. Sometimes, it gets a bit overwhelming because I can’t always fix the cracked. I can listen. I can take mom out for a while. I can be there, but I can’t fix what time is eroding. I see what the events around us, what time itself is doing and I battle with the dragon I can’t defeat..time.

There are moments when the solitude that I enjoy, becomes too quiet. When the dragon called loneliness creeps in and steals away the peace. Those times when I need to walk away from social media, when I see the happiness in the lives of friends and family. Reality is that life is not always perfect and those less than stellar moments don’t show up in the selfies and posts. This dragon usually doesn’t visit long as I am content for the most part, in this time of life. The almost five years have taught me how to be at peace in this solitary life. Here I will admit that there is also a dragon called fear that intrudes. I fear putting myself out there. I fear meeting the wrong person. I fear so I stay put, safe in my highest room of the castle.

But

Most dragons are not unbeatable. They, like everything else, have a weak spot. It is all in the discovery and being brave enough, determined enough, to go into battle.

There are ways to save money. Even as my income is set and prices all around me keep increasing, there are always ways to survive. I have learned that I really don’t need all the material things I once thought I did. I really shouldn’t be so envious of the purchases of others as I can only wear one items of clothing or boots at a time. I seriously have no use for a designer anything. I don’t wear jewelry. So why worry and be jealous of things unneeded? It only feeds the dragons.  It is important and essential determining the difference between real need, and want. I may need new shoes when the others wear out, but do I actually need expensive, or will functional suffice?

In the original Star Trek, there was an alien life form that fed on anger and dark emotions. When the crew realized this and began laughing at it, the alien fled the ship. I need to laugh at my dragons more often. Show them they have no control over me.

The times when the solitude bothers me, I can always find ways to chase away the loneliness. Should I choose. That room in the highest tower, is not a prison and I am not a princess. I can walk out any time…should I choose. I can find ways to beat the moments of being alone, and not disrupt preferences. A time spent hiking, where I will pass others, conversing with some, makes a big difference. There are groups, organizations, activities that can be done safely that fills those moments that get too quiet.

One major dragon slayer, is faith and prayer. Often I have spent times in conversation with the Lord. Weather permitting I can go to the far side of my yard and spend time walking in those circles and talking it out. Always walking away feeling more at peace. I have taken the battle and given to the One who can and does handle our battles. It may take some time, it may be immediate, but it will be handled.

That dragon called time, I can’t do anything about. I can’t get rid of it, I can’t remove it, but I can live in spite of its presence. I can spend time with my parents and do the best I am able to answer their needs. Doing the best of my ability, to push the dragon back and help make things easier, more calm, better.

There are other dragons. We each have our own to battle. Health issues, addictions, abuse of any sort, joblessness, the list in endless. Yet, each dragon can be dealt with. Through education. Through finding the right assistance. Through escape. It depends on our determination and desire to defeat what seeks to defeat us.

Currently my biggest dragon is stress, and I have begun the process of finding the right weapons to go into battle. Because maybe, it isn’t really a dragon after all.