Memories and inner strength.
The last few weeks, I’ve been dealing with grief and sadness. Feelings that tend to rear up every so often and make themselves known. Today was the perfect day for those emotions. It was dark and rainy. While it was still warm, it was not a day that one felt invited to enjoy the outside. So I lurked here, hidden away inside. Away from the weather, but not the memories and emotions that come with them. As I sat here, I scrolled through social media and this memory waited.
This was written originally on this day in 2019:
In a conversation yesterday, I was asked the same questions I have been asked several times. After a while, I begin to wonder about some of these things myself.You’re single? Why are you still single? Do you date/ want to date? You must just be too picky.Seriously?I’m a widow, I lost my husband on March 7th of 2017, so we’re coming up on three years. So yes, that makes me single.Why am I still single?
Because for a while, I was adjusting to suddenly and unexpectedly finding myself single. I was adjusting to having to do things I didn’t before, learning how to do many of those things. Learning how to stop listening for sounds I would never hear again. Learning how not to fight over the cover or that the television was on and I had to get up the next morning. A television that hasn’t been on in nearly 3 years. Learning how to go places on my own- something I still haven’t quite mastered yet.
Then, there was the fact that no one seemed interested, but I wasn’t concerned because I was still adjusting.Then, when I did begin to talk with those of the male persuasion, I was told point blank, “I’m looking for a friend/lover” No. Point blank, straight out..no. I was also told, “you have your religion and I’m not into that so much.” oh well, okay. I’ve been accused of being gay and of being frigid. No and no, just have my beliefs and my moral compass.
.Do I want to date? Yes, actually I do. And it really doesn’t have to be anything fancy. A cup of coffee and slice of pie and good conversation. A hike up the mountain, A hike along any of the green ways or trails nearby. A movie, a meal, a new adventure.
Too picky? I don’t know that there is such a thing. I say that because, in a relationship there are two people involved. Two feelings to consider, two different attitudes and ways of looking at things. Two different sets of likes and dislikes. It is important that the other person be taken into consideration, to listen to their words, to hear what is in between the words, to absorb the emotions within. Because you know, that if you don’t, then the potential for hurt is big for both.
What do I bring to the table? I bring someone who grew up having a blast on a single lane, dead end dirt road in a rural area. I bring someone who played in the woods, danced in the creeks and the rain. Someone who helped in the garden and loved the produce that came from that garden. I bring someone who loves to fish and can rig her own line, bait the hook and clean the catch. I bring someone who loves animals and has always had the company of at least one dog. At one point, we had a gorgeous nanny goat. I would love to be able to create an area here were I could have a few more critters, but that’s a bucket list dream. I bring one who loves photography and chasing bees, butterfly and hummingbird along with any other critter that wanders along. I love to sit with a blank page before me and see what words will flow from within. I bring a heart filled with compassion, taught by my mother and grandmother. I bring a weird sense of humor that was a gift from my dad. I bring a desire to live strong and love hard. Maybe, just a bit extra of a romantic heart. One that dreams special dreams.
What sort of person do I look for? One who loves sincerely, one with a good heart and a strong faith. One who seeks their purpose and plans to live it to the best of their ability. One who loves the outdoors and the adventures, or the indoors and a cup of coffee and a good conversation. One who doesn’t mind quiet moments or moments of silliness and laughing until your sides hurt. One who is intelligent but not arrogant. One who not only understands and tolerates my sense of humor but feeds and encourages me. One who strengthens me, and who I in turn can strengthen.
What do I ask for? Respect, understanding, laughter, adventure, mutual jokes and mischief. Love.It has to be a relationship that is intent on making each other better. Neither is better or more important than the other, because it is a journey that should be made together. Even as it is understood that people being people there will be disagreements, but that the disagreements could be settled calmly, rationally, and without malice. The wrong words can and do echo in your heart for a long time, there’s no sense in saying them only to wish later you hadn’t, silence in golden.I am me, I am a unique individual just as everyone else. I just refuse to fit in that box called normal and there are times, that is misunderstood. Most of the time its fun, most of the time I don’t care. Most of the time when I see people backing away, or hear those same questions once again, I can smile and shrug. Sometimes though, when the emotions are raw, I have a problem with it. Hence, this rambling write..
So here I sit, two years later, still single and more comfortable in the status. Too many times I have dealt with situations that left me uncomfortable. With each day I spend single, I grow stronger in myself. I grow more comfortable in the quiet and solitude. While I understand that may be a bit greedy on my part, I don’t think that’s true. Eventually, Lord willing, maybe someone may come along that I will welcome into this comfort zone I have constructed. Until then, I will seek the peace that comes through faith and prayer. I will seek out friends and enjoy available moments. I will find the ways to distract myself through music, reading, hobbies. It is the time of year when emotions are deeper, stronger, more joyful and more painful. When some can find themselves dealing with things that can turn Christmas blue. Understanding this, helps make it easier to ignore questions that should not have been voiced and can definitely be ignored.