Is ten at night too late to bake cinnamon rolls? I need some comfort food and that is about as comforting as it gets. Fresh out of the oven cinnamon rolls..
Why am I wondering about cinnamon rolls this time of night? Because I messed up earlier today and it still bothers me. No, I did nothing illegal, immoral or indecent. There was a moment with a failure of communications. It caused a family member to have to do something twice because of me. I did apologize, I did accept the blame for my mistake. I’m pretty sure I was forgiven but that doesn’t stop my feelings of guilt. My sole purpose, was to make sure my parents had firewood. I know now more than I did prior, information that makes a big difference.
My son came in here a little while ago and was asking me if I wanted to do something that is coming up. I hesitated, but then said no. In frustration he told me it was work getting me out of the house. Which isn’t wrong. Going or not going is still not determined.
I have to admit that though I love Christmas, Winter is not my favorite time of year. I do deal with various levels of seasonal affective disorder. The shorter, cooler days often trapping me inside looking out. With the exception of an occasional bark from my dogs, the neighbors playing their music loud, or an emergency vehicle traveling the main road, it is quiet. When it grows dark, the woods grow silent. Even the cats out back find their warm spot for the night.I know that I still battle moments of grief over the loss of my husband and my brother. Being estranged from my stepdaughter and her children only adds to the sadness. Toss on moments of sheer frustration at myself over unfounded fears, unwarranted concerns, overblown discomfort and self proclaimed cowardice and my emotions are a mess.
So…what does one do, who finds themselves in such a state?
My own son doesn’t fully understand, so I don’t look for others to either. It is understood that this is a very real disorder: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20364651
I do know that simply because it is recognized, does not give one permission to allow it to control their life. Yet, here I am, doing just that. Upset over an incident that was my fault, upset because my son wants to do something and I want to hide here. Upset because friends asked me to participate in an event yesterday and I tossed out a multitude of excuses as to why I couldn’t. Even as I believe, that if I could only gather up the courage to take part, it would become easier each time. Like hiking the mountain.
What do I do in the meantime? How do I combat the sadness, without baking cinnamon rolls late at night?
First, I have to forgive myself and understand that as the saying goes, Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will my confidence levels. Taking baby steps toward accomplishing anything, are steps forward, are steps of progress.
I add a lot of lights and battery operated candles, placed in the windows and through the house. The Christmas lights outside add a festive appearance to the night. I do miss my solar lights that have quit, but maybe in time I can replace those as well. There are also lights available specially for helping with the disorder.
I have a radio playing almost constantly. A good distraction when I hear some old favorites.
Christmas specials on television bring about those nostalgic feelings. Remembering watching them as kids and the excitement they would bring. Remembering them adding to the anticipation of the arrival of Christmas Day.
Getting outside as much as possible, even if I do have to dress in enough layers I appear like a cartoon character. Getting outside in the sunlight and enjoying the moment.
Trying to get enough sleep, which is not easy for me. I haven’t slept well since my husband passed away. I am doing somewhat better though so that’s another step in the right direction. Letting the house cool at night so as not to be overly warm helps.
Pick up a new hobby or perfect one you already take part in.
Get close to your pets or if you don’t have/can’t have pets, visit a shelter and volunteer to walk the dogs or cuddle the cats.
I brought in the plants that were hanging on the porch. I even brought in a pepper plant that I was curious to see how long it will live. One of the cactus is about to bloom, that will add another dose of color which is lacking.
I’m trying to get back into reading more. I’ve let that slip to the side but with cooler weather and less time outside means I have time to read.
While there may be times it seems I have no secrets and that I share everything, I don’t tell all. There are times, when conversations with friends goes a long way to healing an aching soul.
There is also more time for Bible study and prayer. A nice long talk with the Lord is always helpful. Getting the thoughts, ideas, fears out there in the open. Getting into the Bible and researching ways to help ease the ache of the moment.
And yes, even as I won’t do it tonight, there is that fresh baked desert with a cup of coffee or hot cocoa. Simple things, to heal a hurting heart.
These are some ideas, things that I use to distract myself. I know there are other ways that work better for those like me, who are not the biggest fan of winter. All we need do is take the time to discover what works best.