Concerning memories and emotions.
I’ve been over on the other blog site, taking a walk down memory lane. (http://rebeccasrevels.blogspot.com/2017/04/) My posts there were more open then, more emotional. I need to find a way to return to expressing those emotions without concern of who might read and what their response may be. Time and experiences have made me a bit quiet, a bit reserved, a little wary of how some may take what I say and make comments I really don’t care to hear. So I’ve censored myself. That really needs to change.
It isn’t only that. All that is going on around us, all over the world, has me over thinking what I write. While I don’t want to appear callous, unfeeling, clueless or worse ignorant, I still need to be able to write my heart. That isn’t easy though. Because I also don’t wish to sound entitled or privileged. While I do not have a lot, I realize I have more than some. But does that mean I can’t write about things because it might be an in your face to those who do not? Is it not possible any longer to say something along the lines of I am thankful for______ and not be attacked? While thankfully that has not happened often to me, because of the madness that is now our co called society, there is always that fear and concern. There is also the empathy thing and the feelings that I have gathered through reading and gaining a better understanding of what others are dealing with. All the while knowing, it is surface knowledge on many things and my lack of complete understanding could and probably would show.
I would like to think that I have come a long way since my husband died. Then something will come along, and I wonder. Especially after reading some of the blogs from that year. Because I often think I am my own worst enemy and at the same time my own best friend. I do handle things as needed, even when I am chastised for doing so. I will accept friendships, but I am very wary of a relationship for a variety of reasons. Things that have happened since my husband passed and after a time I began talking with gentlemen have not helped. I was accused of having a wall, and I will admit that I do and bricks are added almost daily. It will take a very special person to create a window much less a door.
Losing my job thanks to Covid has helped and hurt. Being forced to take early retirement means I am financially limited. Being forced to take early retirement means I am here for my parents and that means more than having the ability to jet set off on vacations, shopping trips or anything that requires money already allocated for bills or what have you. I now have all the time I want to spend time with family, doing for them. All either of my folks have to do is call. I have time to spend with my son, and time to spend on myself.
I think however, that I am neglecting the fact that as a human, I have emotions. Maybe not neglecting, but ignoring or locking away not allowing myself to feel or show that I feel. Believing that a calm facade is all the world cares to see, believing that all is well and wonderful. Anything else is unacceptable and to not be shared. Don’t show hurt, sadness, fear, anger, loneliness. Keep it within and hidden because the world wants bright, beautiful and happy. It makes it worse when you see someone dare to ask for help, dare to share their needs or feelings and they are attacked in cruel ways. So I remain quiet, telling myself what ever the feeling, this too shall pass.
But we should be allowed to speak and to share without fear. We should be able to acknowledge what we are thankful for without concern of accusations of privilege.We should be able to share thoughts, share needs, share feelings without fear. We should be able to walk, drive, live safely without worry. It shouldn’t matter who we are. It shouldn’t matter about race, gender, age, social standing, or any other things that has been created to label humanity. We have reached a point where so many attack or are attacked without just cause. Too many are seeking and even making up thinks to be upset about. Yes, there are things that need to be addressed and corrected, but not every word spoken, every emotion felt, every action made is wrong and in need of condemnation.
I took a trip, paid a visit to memory lane and came back with a bit of a rant. We should all be able to speak openly. As long as our words are true, and without malice.