I was sitting here watching this morning’s church service online. As I listened, I watched the sunlight playing through the leaves of the trees out back. Occasionally leaves would spiral downward to the waiting ground. The not so stray cats, their appetite sated earlier, have disappeared somewhere to take a nap. My two dogs out in the front yard barking ever so often at something. Most likely a falling leaf or one of the cats as they cross the yard to where ever their current favorite nap spot may be. Then to fall silent again as they find a spot in the sunlight to nap themselves.
The house inside is quiet, but outside the world is alive and filled with sound. Up on the main road I hear the occasional vehicle pass on their way to somewhere. Out back the birds are calling out, alerting one another to something or greeting each other with song. The leaves on the saplings outside my window do a soft, slow dance in the gentle breeze that nudges them into movement with its passing.
Outside calls me, but I am waiting for the day to warm up before I answer.
My mind wanders as I sit here. The dreaded ‘if only’ thoughts that bombard my thoughts even as my thoughts counter attack with ‘yes but’.
Over the course of the nearly five years, so much has changed. I’ve had to stand up and face things that I never had to face alone before. I’ve grown and matured, even as I understand I still have so far to go. I struggle at times in that growth even as I work to keep moving. I have noticed that God puts people in my life at various times who help me in that progress. I have also noticed that at times satan steps in and places people or events in my life that seek to derail that progress. Even if they do not know or realize that is happening. Then there are the moments when my mind and thoughts are my worst enemy. The times when I allow the derailment to happen in full or part.
There are times when I wish to go somewhere, write something, talk abut something, share something, that I know will bring a response that I don’t want. Not anything bad or ugly mind you as that isn’t me. Yet the responses can make it seem that way. Or maybe it is my own thoughts taking a comment wrong, a type of guilt complex for standing up for my growth. Even in that though, I can find growth as I learn to accept and ignore. I find a great deal of my growth in the self examinations that come along with my writing. The things I share, where I have found growth in my life and hope that in the sharing will offer inspiration to another.
My emotional well being took a hit when my husband died. Just when I thought I was gaining ground, I lost my job. I kept myself busy for a while, waiting for a hoped for return to a job that I later found out didn’t want me. For several reasons I won’t go into though not all my fault. I then had to find my way through that storm and onto the path God intended for me. In the process I have been accused of many things. Building walls, being too independent, too solitary, too this or that or the other thing. Because I have stopped being the needy one and sought God’s strength and plans for me the individual.
Not only in the emotional, but in the material.
There is a philosophy out there about prosperity Christianity. If you believe, God will gift you immensely. Actually that is not Biblical and wrong. Jesus Himself said it was more difficult for a rich man to enter Heaven. https://www.biblehub.com/matthew/19-24.htm We are in fact to not strive so hard to earn treasures here, but to lay them up in Heaven https://biblehub.com/matthew/6-20.htm
If only will plague me as long as I am breathing. If only I had a few more dollars the stress and worry would be less.If only I were more social I would have more friends.If only I had more friends, I would be able to attend more events, go more places, have more fun.If only the world was not in such a horrible state with the fear, the hate, the sickness from many fronts and forms.
If only I were smarter, prettier, friendlier, stronger…I could…
Yes but, the person I am now, as I am now, is more able to sit here and share what is on my mind. What has happened in my life that may in some way encourage and uplift another. That my story will resound with another and give them hope. That the sharing of my belief, where my hope and faith lies, will strengthen another so they too can find their way.
My life is not easy, it wasn’t meant to be, to be a strong Christian, means one need to understand there will be difficulties. https://biblereasons.com/hardship/
My mind cries out, if only my life were easier and my heart counters with, yes but God knows your difficulties and will love and guide you through. He will shelter and strengthen you through every storm as He is always with you. https://www.christianity.com/wiki/bible/why-christians-should-be-encouraged-that-jesus-will-be-with-you-always.html
As rain purifies the air, as precious metals are purified by fire, as coal under great pressure creates diamonds, let the storms and pressures of my life bring out the precious and pure in me. Let my life reflect the Light and the Love that is God.