October Eleventh; In This Month of Fear, Do Not Fear..

Memories

Some days I do, and some days I don’t scroll through the memories of the past that show up on social media. I obviously did this morning. The past few days I have been thinking about my late husband. I’ve been wondering, if he can look down upon us, what he thinks of how we are doing. I wonder, how can it be almost five years since he was called home? But I sit here, and I wander through the memories, and I remember.

I remember, as shared below, some of the things I have written, thoughts of the moment, just as these blogs are. I remember, moments spent with friends as in the photo of my husband and I with friends. Jimmy Scholten, base player for Sawyer Brown and his wife Shelly. Me looking so very pale as I spent so much time at work I never really saw the sun. I still have that jacket tucked away somewhere. Dogs that were a part of our family along the way, such as Rambo. Which was his name when we adopted him from the rescue group. Part of his coat had an amazing red tint so I often called him our Big Chicken Rock Star as he was terrified of loud noises, any loud noises. And the flowers, so many flowers because my husband loved spoiling me with plants for the yard and garden.

From left, Shelly, Jimmy, me, and my late husband in the Abilene hat

Rambo loved the leaves

Memories, so many memories.

I don’t have any photos of when I tried to dye my hair auburn and instead it came out this super bright orange. I had to go pick my husband up at a bus station like that. I thought he was going to have some form of fit. (It really did look bad.) Thankfully I had another box of home hair dye that I was told I could use to cover the orange, it turned my hair an interesting purplish/ auburn color that would probably be as cool to rock now as it was then.

I know, that I promised him so many times, that when he died, as he knew that he was going to die first, that I would find someone else as he didn’t want me to be alone. Y’all, I have tried, but so far at least, it has never worked. For many reasons. The thing is, I have come to discover the me that had been set aside and neglected for so long and I have come to discover, I like this me. This me doesn’t need someone to look after or to look after me. I don’t need someone to tell me what to do, how to act or how to feel. My late husband, as much as I love and loved him, was the worst. He would call me, ask what I was doing, and then ask didn’t I have this or that to do? Shouldn’t I be here or there? If I dared be hiking late in the afternoon early evening, he actually would tell me I needed to get home I didn’t need to be out so late. Yeah, I don’t need that. So I am happily, contentedly, peacefully, single.

So I will often scroll through the memories that come up, and I will smile. There was a time, after my husband died, that the memories would hurt badly. Reminding me of what no longer was. Now, they are a sweet song of what was. A warmth of memories that wrap around my heart with the hugs of emotional memories. Where once I dreaded their arrival, I now welcome them. I no longer fear the emotions that come with them. I treasure them as they are reminders of what once was, and what once was, is treasured and special.

Oct. 11: 2014

Okay– so the silly dog has had me up since 5am..yup, that is our regular wake up time I admit that..but since she’s awake, and since putting her out in the fenced front yard means she will bark..constantly..I’m sitting here waiting on James to wake up and leave for work.. then I’ll begin my day. My husband thinks he looked at the ticket wrong yesterday and may be home before he said..he even has a long layover in Charlotte but James will be at the race and no one wants me running loose on my own in Charlotte so he said he would wait. So close.. and yet so far away. Have you ever been so very close to accomplishing something and then had to stop? You had to wait for one reason or another, some that were your doing, and some reasons were simply beyond your control. What did you do in that situation? Did you wait out the interruption of your plans? Did you fight against them? Did you allow the interruption to derail all your plans and cause you to leave them behind, abandoned and incomplete? Did you find a way to a successful completion- even if that completion seems odd to others? I wonder how many of us, would be amazing at something, if they hadn’t allowed those plans, goals and dreams to be derailed. How many, have allowed a lack of confidence in them self to kill a dream? How many have allowed the comments of others, to kill their dream? How many, have allowed the fear of the reactions of others, to stop them from accomplishing greatness? How many, would reach out to others, if we didn’t have the fear of being used? If we didn’t worry that the problem was a set up toward evil means? I would never use this or any other media to ask someone to do anything that would put them or others in danger. My suggestion is find a legitimate shelter where you could help. Find an organization where your talents could be put to good use. Reach out to those you know who are struggling. Support organizations that you KNOW reach out and help those who are fighting to survive. Support first responders, support teachers, support those who go out of their way and out of their comfort zones to protect and serve. As far as dreams- support yourself and your abilities. Work to overcome what tries to stop you. Practice, believe, dream on and dream big. Success takes work- success in your dream.. success in making a difference for others..we can do it. If we believe and go forward with the intent to BE the difference…in love- in peace- in mercy.

2015:

It has been yet another interesting day. Amazing the things one can learn, when one not only listens, but hears. Hearing, not just with our ears, seeing, not just with our eyes, but with our heart. It is when we walk in compassion. It is the recognition of when we have succeeded and in those times when we did not. There are a lot of people who are suffering in one way or another. There are so many who have needs. There are many who are hurting because they are alone or lonely. Hurting due to the actions, reactions or inactions of others. I know I failed today because I forgot something.* It isn’t my concern what one does with what I give, no matter what it may be. It is my responsibility to give, to act, to be the difference when being the difference is called for. To have a heart of compassion and mercy. It is my prayer that I be given another chance, that I will walk with that heart of compassion and I will be ready to be the difference, to remember mercy and not worry about anything else. I hope, to have the ears that will hear the words of one who is hurting, who is afraid, who is lonely, who is sad and I will have the time to sit and listen. I will have the understanding when words need to be said and the words to say, or when words are unnecessary as only one who has time to just be there is needed. I hope I have the eyes to see the pain of another and the way that is needed to ease that pain. I hope, I pray, I desire to be filled with the love in my heart that I may do all the above and more.

So here we are, after having strolled through the past and arrived once again in the moment. Its been a couple of hours since I spoke with mom. I have nearly finished that first pot of coffee. I have watched the kittens outside playing and enjoying the moment. Past memories, blending with events of the day, the current moments that at some point in the future, I will look back on with a smile. I don’t fear the memories, as they are the patchwork quilt of life. One we are constantly working on and will not complete until our last breath. I do not fear mine, I welcome  them as the priceless treasure they are.

*On that day, I ignored someone asking for money. That day I had a few dollars extra, but I turned a blind eye. I remember every day, it isn’t up to me to ask why they need the money. It isn’t up to me to judge. It is asked of me, a Christian, to give with joyful heart. God will worry about the rest.