Having a ‘come apart’.
I am subscribed to several sites that send out inspirational emails filled with messages meant to cheer you up,touch your heart and help you have a good day. Since I now am receiving so many emails, I can’t/don’t always get to open them all. Today though, I opened one, watched the intended video and then scrolled down to the list below. I enjoyed a few animated, a few of those Christmas videos reminding you not to leave others alone, then one caught my attention. It was a video created by a lady who was having a “come apart”. Yes, that is a southern slang term for totally losing one’s mind over something. In her case, it was that the grocery store she always shops at, had done a full relocating of everything. I fully understand her frustration.
Personally, I think it is yet one more evil plot to take over the world through mass confusion. Leaving shoppers trapped in aisle 6 where their favorite what’s it is supposed to be only now there is a thing a ma jig in its place. Said shoppers are now doomed to forever wander from aisle to aisle searching. Crying silent tears as they reach out empty hands to others who can be of no help. They too, lost.
I remember once going into a store that had done such a major restructuring that they handed everyone who came in the door a map of where everything was now supposed to be. It was only partially correct.
A few years ago, around a year after my husband had died, my son decided he was going to ride his motorcycle down to Atlanta, Georgia for some kind of gaming event. There was someone he hoped he could meet. We live in the shadow of Charlotte, NC so we’re talking a 250 to 300 mile ride depending on route. On a motorcycle, alone, among the crazy, entitled, don’t watch the road for other cars much less motorcycles. I will admit that I was tipping over the edge into having a ‘come apart’. My son is an adult y’all, but I’ve seen the horrible things that happens. I didn’t not want him to go, just be careful. He made all manner of promises, told me he would call as soon as he arrived, and he would be extremely careful. He was, he did and he enjoyed his time. He also called me when he arrived and was describing what was going on, seems there was some kind of comicon or such going on at the same time. He wasn’t sure to be impressed or what.
When my husband died, I remained calm. I made mistakes, but I was doing the best I could. I moved through each responsibility carefully, controlled, getting things handled. I have never fallen apart because of his death. I have missed him, I have grieved, I have felt a loneliness like none other, yet I didn’t fall apart. When my son walked up to me that day at work to get me because my brother had died, I did. Knees buckling, screaming, the full out come apart. It didn’t last long though, I had to be there for mom. I had those few moments between work and home to get it out of my system and back to being in charge of all faculties.
The fact that in the past I have had severe anxiety issues didn’t help. Have you ever felt as if you were going to sneeze…but didn’t. I would get in a state of near come apart, heart racing, sweating, trembling, then with deep breathing and concentration, walk myself back. For a very long time, I had no idea I was having panic attacks. It did help once I understood.
Up until recently, if I had to leave the house and go somewhere I had no idea where it was, I would go into a near panic. My son would get frustrated with me over my obsessive worrying and fear. Me,”What if I get lost?” Son, “What if you do? Go exploring.” Me, “What if I can’t find the place?” Son, “You have maps on your phone. You should be able to find where ever.” Me, “My phone won’t talk to me.” Son, tossing up hands and walking away, again. But I’m getting better. I may not be the most comfortable going places on my own, but I don’t feel as if I’m having a full blown heart attack. I may have reservations about talking with people I don’t know well, but I try and some even hang around now. I often find myself walking away smiling now. Socially inept still? Sure, but now almost wearing that as a badge.
Back to the come apart topic.
I think that many of us face those moments when we are somewhere between near come apart or full blown best get out of the way come apart. Depending on the situation and circumstances. Whether it is a store moving things around seemingly with no rhyme or reason, to facing a moment of confusion over something new, to a loss of someone. We all have our trigger point.
Many times when I would be having one of those moments, I would be reminded that I was a Believer, a Follower and that no matter what, I was never alone. Being Christian means having the Holy Spirit indwelling within us. Guiding us in all manners and matters of life, if we listen. Many times when I was working and would start to walk away from something, I would get that, ‘you need to check such and such’ feeling. I was always glad when I did because there was always a reason. We are guided in our steps. We are not alone.
I learned to spend time alone, praying, talking with God. Knowing He heard and waiting on the answers. I may not have and in the future, not like the answers, but there are always answers. I still have those moments, but I remember back right after my husband died, there was a song that would come on the radio, “Eye of the Storm” https://youtu.be/X2FqFLKisys Always when I needed it the most. There are many verses in the Bible that bring peace and comfort. All we need do is search for the emotion we are feeling overcome with at the moment. Within the pages and words, there is peace.
Yes, while I watched this lady’s video, I did laugh thinking of the term I hadn’t heard in a while. Visualizing her ‘come apart’ in the store. My son as a toddler had a come apart in a store once, but that is another story. For today though, I hope for you to have peace. For you, I hope for calm. For you, I hope for courage. For you, I hope for moments of laughter and love. A day so filled with good, there is no room for any sort of come apart.
Words from The Dirt Road 