I almost did it, that counts….right?
I sat here today waiting for those deliveries. My son called as he was preparing to come home for lunch asking if they had shown up, and if I would turn the oven on for a pizza. No, they hadn’t showed up yet and yes I would turn the oven on. He came in, had his lunch break and headed back to work. Asking me if the parts arrived if I would bring them to him. Of course I said yes and listened as the sounds of his charger drove away. He went back to work,while I waited.
When I heard the unmistakable noise of a delivery truck I watched and waited. The first, had arrived. He had warned me the boxes would be heavy. Usually the trucks will stop at the end of the drive and the person would carry them down. This truck pulled all the way down the driveway, which of course made my two barkers go crazy. I opened up the back of my Jeep and asked if they would put the box there. Which they did without a question. I then watched as they backed out of my, not straight, driveway.
I doubt that truck was out of sight before the next arrived. Seeing the truck pulling in I quickly got both dogs inside. They couldn’t get to the driver, but it was quieter with them in the house. I opened the back of the Jeep and the driver placed that box beside the first. After this driver had left, I called my son, told him the parts were here and I was on my way. I then called my mother and told her I was leaving for a while but I’d let her know when I was back.
I got the parts to my son and he told me that he was going to do the work on his car before he came home. I then headed for the big box store. I did manage to get my groceries though I had to substitute a thing or two. Unfortunately they still didn’t have the type dog food my mother’s dog eats. I also couldn’t reach the soda I intended to get for my son, instead getting a different brand totally. Which he actually seemed happy about later. I loaded up the belt and watched as she rang up my purchases. With all the pet food I had purchased I knew it wouldn’t be cheap, and it wasn’t.
I got back home and carried everything inside to put away. The cashier had double bagged almost everything. The canned stuff I could understand, but thinking about it, those bags are so bad there are times I swear just looking at them made them disintegrate. I was down to the last few items when mom called, to ask if I had looked. I did, and they didn’t have any dog food.We talked for a few moments then I prepared some coffee and came in here to wait for time to take some donations I had to a Jeep group meeting.
I loaded the donations I have in the back of my Jeep. I had let the dogs out (yes, I admit it, it was me) when I got back from grocery shopping but I called them back in as I was preparing to leave. I pretty well knew where I was going, thinking that I could find the exact place and where the group was when I got there. On the way there I had to cross over the interstate. I saw a sign saying that the right lane was closed ahead, but for what ever reason it didn’t really register or something as I didn’t move over before I arrived to the cones that all but yelled, road closed. I had became one of ‘them’. One of the people who stays in a lane right up until the end. Feeling ashamed, I was watching in my side mirror, I was going to wait on traffic to pass then move out. I didn’t have to as someone in a really big pick up truck waited for me to go ahead. I did wave as I pulled out trying to show appreciation.
I made my way toward the small town where we were supposed to meet. However, I was not prepared for just how busy that town gets. Cars and people were everywhere. It looked as if half the state were there. I was trying to be very careful to watch where I and everyone else was going. Trying to make sure to see if anyone made to pull or walk out in front of me. I drove right by the meeting place. I found somewhere to turn around to try again. I found the meeting place but as busy as it was I couldn’t see exactly where anyone of the group was so I didn’t stop. I could have. I could have stopped behind the place, got out and walked around. Only I didn’t. I drove away.
Anxiety, fear, panic, is no fun. When it tightens your throat to where you struggle to breathe and your heart rate revs up to levels it shouldn’t reach. When your fingers tighten around the steering wheel and your thoughts are battling between fear and frustration. Afraid of doing something stupid, frustration and shame over another failed event.
I left there and slowly made my way to the local to that town big box store. I was that close, I could at least see if that store had the dog food. They didn’t either. Purchasing nothing I left and headed for home. I was not happy with myself. It was a simple task and I had failed. Well, not fully failed, because I did go. I just didn’t finish the task.
My son got home not long after I did. He came in, told me that the upgraded brakes made all the difference. I’m glad, that will be one less thing for me to have on my mind when ever he takes off on his next adventure. I made a big pot of chili and came in here. I’m not exactly positive, but I think one of the neighbors is moving out. The one with the dogs I’ve had so many issues with. So I sat here playing solitaire and listening to the faint noises drifting across. Every once in a while my dogs would get stirred up and I would have to call them down. I finally gave up and brought them inside.
I’m still a bit upset with myself. Frustrated because I should be able to simply go and do and come home. Accomplish what I set out for without issues. Only, most times, it is nowhere near that easy. Most times, if I am by myself, I panic, and I fail. I could call it a dry run. The group who can are going to meet at the church this weekend where the event is going to be held to do some cleaning and preparing. I can take everything there. It should be nowhere near as crowded there and I know exactly where I’m going.
It bothers me because God did not give us a spirit of fear. All of the fears I am dealing with, are byproducts of past issues. Leftovers that I haven’t been able to get rid of yet. But I’m getting better. The fact that I tried proved that. In the past I wouldn’t have even gone. But I really don’t want to disappoint those who are working so hard on this. I want to do my part, for the Jeep event, but not for that alone. I want to get my strength, my courage, my determination built up to a point where I can boldly do what needs to be done. For charity work, for family work, for faith. I believe, I am headed in the right direction.