I’m sitting here, as I have done many nights. Procrastinating in going to bed. And I’m not sure why.
I don’t have a set schedule. I don’t have a job that I have to get up and get ready for. I don’t have young children or grandchildren to care for. So it really doesn’t matter if I stay up. Mom will call around 8:30 in the morning. If I oversleep it won’t be the first time, still if she wakes me it bothers her.
Molly is behind me sprawled out on her dog bed and Bella is already stretched out on my newly made bed. I remembered just in time that I had stripped it to wash the sheets and had not remade it yet. making her wait in here, I went and made the bed. It was easier and less confusing for her to make her wait. Yes, I have done this before and that time forgot until I had to try to get her off the unmade bed.
I am sitting here, the light of the lamp filling the room. I can hear the crickets outside and the ceiling fan turning over my head. In the other room a radio plays old time rock and roll. When I passed my son’s bedroom door a few moments ago, I heard him talking with someone so he hasn’t called this night done yet either.
I think that part of this is the changing of the season. I don’t care for the shorter days and less sunlight. I’ve dealt with seasonal issues for a long while, but I always make it through. I will this time as well.
I think that part of it is the stress of the things needing done, such as the wood stove.
I think part of it, is lack of conversation. Those long in general conversations where you discuss what ever topic comes up in detail. Conversations that can last thirty minutes or three hours.
I think part of it is not working. Not feeling a part of a team, not bringing in a paycheck.
I think part of it is the concern in my heart for those around me who are suffering in different ways, and I am helpless in every way, but prayer.
I think that part, is there is an unsettled feeling in my spirit. A feeling that I should be doing more than I am. That I should be doing something different. That I need to doing an action that bears fruit, that has results. Though I am unsure what.
I think that a part, is my looking back at what once was, and see how life is now so different. I made a lot of mistakes, learned a lot of lessons the hard way. Things happened that had me fearing the worse, but now here I am, so many years later. Why? There is a purpose, I know that much.
I know, that there is a reason for every day of our life. Our words and actions have results. Whether the results are good or bad, depends largely on those actions. Are we positive or negative? Encouraging or discouraging? Do we build or dismantle?
Right now, as the minutes tick by, I will place my trust in the Lord. I will call this a time to go rest and prepare for tomorrow should it come. I will speak with the Lord and fall asleep knowing, that He is in control and He does have a plan. That in the end, all of these things that prey on my peace of mind, can be calmed with a word. No matter what hour of night or day it may be.