Note to self…remember to write those notes to self. ?
Yesterday I was sitting here before my computer and ran across something that flipped that light bulb, great idea for a write switch. I should make a note. I didn’t write the note. I have been sitting here, scrolling along social media, scrolling through my email, hoping that what had created that initial spark of inspiration would randomly show up. Nope.
As I sit hit somewhat but not severely frustrated, I’m listening to the rain falling outside. We’re in the middle of September, the leaves on the trees are mostly still deep green, but that will be changing. Soon, just as the raindrops are now falling, those leaves will be falling. I wonder how our dog Molly will handle it this year. Last year she was so confused. She would alternate between simply staring, barking at, or running from the falling leaves. Bella on the other hand, doesn’t care. She’s been around, she’s seen it, no big deal.
Things change. Seasons, jobs, relationships, health, status, everything will at some point, in some way change. It is how we handle the change, that matters.
In March of 2017, my husband died. I tried to handle in as best that I could. I had things that needed to done, such as get his earthly body home to North Carolina from Indiana. He was a long haul truck driver and had passed away while sitting in a truck stop. I had responsibilities. I had bills to pay, accounts that needed to be changed. I had to adjust to going from married to widowed. Part of a couple to single. From having a partner, to being alone. Grief is a horrible foe, God is an incredible teacher, I was a less than stellar student. But I have learned.
In March of 2020, I lost a job that I was just weeks short of a thirty year career. I went from full time employee, to unemployed. I went from ten hours of flat out busy to adjusting to no schedule. Again, God is an amazing instructor, I still, less than a stellar student.
In September of 2020, I decided to take early retirement so I could be here for my parents. My income was cut in half, but I have learned how to manage. God has taught me that I really don’t need all that extra material stuff. Trust in Him, pay attention to Him and His word, I won’t do without. I have the main course in this meal of life, the rest, is just a desert that we only should partake of on occasion. I am fed. I am clothed. We have all we need, that is what matters.
That, not the stellar student comment, admitting to that was not easy at first, but has become easier as I realized my mistakes. I am an individual, who even though I have been a Believer, a Christian baptized in my youth, I was not so much a real Follower. I had not learned to be still and listen, nor I had fully learned to trust. Even though God had been there for me so many times. I was one who unconsciously had the attitude of thinking, God, I have this little thing here to deal with, I won’t bother You with it, I’ll handle it best I can. I got this. Only nope, I didn’t make things worse so much, as I didn’t make them better. I couldn’t handle the issues on my own, under my own power. I needed something greater than me.
For nearly three years after my husband died, I suffered from a deep grief and was soaked in loneliness. Being around people at work, at church, on errands, filled the silence with noise, but it didn’t last. I would come home, open the door and be greeted by the ever present void and vacuum. I was trying what I knew, what I hoped would work, to meet with failure and defeat at every junction. I wasn’t happy being single and alone, but due to various reasons, didn’t want to be in a relationship. Through prayer and study, through many, many conversations with God, I have found a peace in the single status I hold. I have found the missing contentment in my solitude. I have come to the understanding that for now, being single allows me the time and ability to focus on my writing. No distractions. Well, not many. Two crazy dogs, one entitled official cat, and aging parents can distract one, but I’m not complaining.
Allow me if you will, to share this incident. The other day, I had turned off the ceiling fan in this room. the day had been cool and I didn’t need it to be running. Yesterday was a warm, muggy, humid day. I pulled the chain to set the fan in motion only it remained still. No matter what I tried, I was met with stubborn refusal. Yes, I did try to manually shove the fan into motion, several times, only to have to repeatedly slow and stop. Giving up, I sat here enduring the warmth until my son came in from work. When he came in I told him that the fan wasn’t working. He tugged on the chain, could hear the motor humming but the fan wouldn’t start. He made a comment on it being seized up, but still gave the blades a hard shove. The way the blades spun had me thinking that my son would be a terror spinning the wheel on that television game show. The amazing thing, the fan didn’t slow to a stop. It kept right on turning as it should. My son made the comment that he must have got it past the rust, corrosion or what ever else may have have been preventing it from working. It is still working.
So now, I am sitting here with an eye opening realization. I have found an acceptance and comfort in change. I have found a peace, that I had lacked before. Outside, the rain is still falling somewhat gently. Inside the dogs are curled up asleep and happy. I have no idea where Lady Entitled Cat may be lurking. While I still realize that I have a long way to go, with many lessons to be learned along this journey of life, I have learned to listen to the Instructor. In my new found attitude and knowledge, I feel that like that fan, I have been pushed beyond what was stopping me. I have been given a renewed strength. The fan’s purpose is to help cool this room. At least a part of my purpose, I know, is to share my changes and the lessons learned from them. In the hopes, that others may come to a greater understanding of their own trials and lessons.
No Notes required.