My son has already called it a night. It is after all nearing eleven thirty and he does have to work tomorrow. I have as yet to call the dogs in for the night. They aren’t making much noise, actually the crickets are making more noise than they are. Which is funny considering that earlier the cats out back were fighting with, something. I don’t know whether it is each other, whether a male has wandered up or whether the racoon has returned. I never looked out to see. There isn’t any food out so if it was the racoon it didn’t find anything that would cause it to hand around. I only feed the cats early in the morning and they finish that by early afternoon. Cricket our official indoor cat is curled up sleeping in the doorway to this room. She adores my son, and tolerates me because I more often am the can opener. She knows due to her own actions that she isn’t allowed in this room, so she gets right at the door and curls up there. She can’t get in my son’s room because he shuts her out. He shuts her out because she won’t let him sleep. So there she is, close enough to me that she isn’t alone but also isn’t in trouble.
I can finally start to feel the slow drop in the temperature. The computer says its still 77 degree Fahrenheit but the breeze coming in through the open windows is slightly cooler than it has been. I still may have to open my bedroom windows wider in an attempt to allow more of a breeze in tonight. Last night was more than slightly uncomfortable. I could close all the windows and turn on the air conditioning, but I’ve made it this far into summer. I’m just stubborn enough to try to make it through.
I helped in the nursery today in church. Five boys between two and four. Thankfully play dough still holds magic for youngsters. They spent well over half the time creating with that while the rest was occupied with blocks and trucks. Those kids are always so amazing and so much fun. I get to do it again two weeks from now. One of the ladies who was scheduled needs to make a trip and called to ask if I would swap with her. I laughed and told her if only she had called last night. Still I volunteered to take her place so she could go. I don’t mind. We are told to be like children, what better way than to spend time with them?
Right now, I’m sitting here, listening to the crickets, (and my dogs whining to get inside), feeling the breeze and enjoying the evening. Earlier, I was dealing with a pity party. Those creep in every once in a while. Usually when I am overly tired. Which I was today. After our vacation. After my sitting up last night to watch the NASCAR race and see my favorite so close to winning until that last wreck. I was tired, and my emotions and thoughts less easily controlled.
I was thinking of a friend I used to work with for the past few days so I sent them a “was thinking about you and thought I’d drop you a hey” only to be ignored. I was attempting to talk to my son over how I was coming to grips with the fact that I would never be treated exactly like those who drive Wranglers only to have him roll his eyes. Yeah, I’ve brought up the topic a time or two. Thing is, I really do love my Compass and am happy with it, I just feel like someone standing on the outside of the glass peering in at the party happening on the other side. But, I’m trying and I think I’m slowly creeping toward acceptance.
I think the worst thing today, was that feeling of loneliness that slips in. When you just want someone to talk to, spend a few minutes with, enjoy a cup of coffee. I’m honestly happy with my single status and have no interest in getting involved in a relationship. There are a lot of perks that come with being single. I’ve been called selfish and many other things due to my preferring how things are. I don’t care, that only strengthens my belief I am right. It is only when I am weary, when I miss the feeling of being held. When I miss the words of encouragement. When I miss what I no longer have.
Still, I know that once I have rested, and no longer feel the weariness that comes from pushing too hard, there will again be the clarity of thought. The realization of the moment. Right now, I cannot help but believe that my single status has purpose. I have the time one, to take care of my parents. I have the time, too, to write. There is no one else demanding time, pulling me away from the keyboard. There is no one telling me that I am wrong.
I’m single, but I’m not alone. My Lord is always with me, always encouraging me. He knows when my body is tired and my emotions weak. In Him, I will find my rest. In Him, I will find my strength. In Him, I will find the healing of my heart and spirit. In Him, I will find the words to share that I pray will strengthen and encourage others. In hope, love and peace.