Contentment in the Clarity.
Before my husband died, he was concerned about my being left alone. He was so concerned over it that he made me promise more than once, that I would find someone else. Finally I began telling him that yes, I would, just to get him to drop the subject. While his health was not the best, I honestly didn’t think he would die when he did. It has been four years and just over five months since he died. Up front and honest, it hasn’t been easy. Up front and honest? I actually think I have the one thing I asked for here, clarity. I am just seeking more of that status.
There were times early on, when the loneliness was a horrible, empty, darkness. I missed him terribly. I missed those annoying phone calls. I missed the times he would go out of his way to bug me. I missed him calling for me to bring him a cup of coffee. I missed him asking me if both of the socks he had on were the same color or if his slacks were blue or black. I missed his embrace.
For the first year, I stayed to myself. I had to adjust, to find my way through the grief. I was happy when where I worked then had big orders as that meant over time. I knew I would be able to still pay bills, we would still eat and I might even have a few dollars over. I would work hard, come home exhausted and sleep. Many afternoons I would doze off in this chair before preparing a meal for me and my son.
I eventually started talking with a gentleman on the phone. We had really long conversations. But it didn’t work out. I met someone else a bit later. We talked some, we met a couple of times, very nice, very intelligent, very capable person. It didn’t work out. I met someone else. Incredibly nice person, very caring- too caring. Being I have been and continue to learn to take care of myself, this didn’t work out. For all these gentlemen, I wish only the best and for their happiness. Standing here now, I know, none of these were meant to work out.
There was a friend whom I have never stood face to face with. We have had super long conversations about anything and everything. We understood each other. Suddenly this friendship has ended. Poof, gone. I know, even as I still work through missing the conversations, it was time for it to end. The need for guiding lights in the dark was over.
When I was laid off from work, my life took another hit. I had built who I was, around that job. I had spent just shy of thirty years within the parameters of that place. I-was a good worker. I-was reliable. I-knew the job. I-was ready to do what ever was asked of me. I-worked through times intelligent people would have taken off. I. I. I. I worked all the hours I could. I worked every day I could. I felt that I was taking care of all my needs through my strength and abilities. I..was I focused. I wasn’t Kingdom Focused.
I mention and at times do worry, about finances. My mother, God bless her, talks about the things my brother is getting to do. My brother still works and works hard. He deserves those earned rewards. I don’t work so I can be here for them, their presence is my reward. The thing is, and I realized this a while back. Being this close on money, keeps me trusting God for my needs and not my abilities. It is also teaching me that my wants, aren’t so important.
I did wonder for a while, if I was ever going to find anyone else. I wondered if there was something wrong, something about me. I wondered, if it was true in that I had built to high of walls, locking everyone outside and myself inside. Now that I wasn’t working, that thought seemed prevalent. I had a lot of free time on my hands. Especially when the pandemic caused everything to be shut down. I did a lot of yard work. I did inside stuff. I cleaned out my storage building.
Then, I had nothing left to take my time. I began hiking. I began, listening. My focus has sifted and continues to shift, away from being so me centered. My realization has become that yes, being single is sometimes lonely. Yes, being single has drawbacks. But, I have the time and the freedom to put my time and focus on more important things. I am learning, to find the comfort and peace in my faith. I am finding the clarity in that what I need to do, is this. To write, to share my thoughts, my understanding, my peace in the relationship I have with my Lord. I do struggle at times, we are told that this life would not be easy. We will face difficult times. We will face struggles and storms and valleys. We will face those moments of feeling so alone and abandoned. But God is always with us. He always hears us, our prayers over our fears and concerns, He knows our needs. He sees our tears and He comforts us in our time of need.
With each day, I am understanding that maybe at some point in time, I may find a lasting relationship here. I have found peace in the understanding that each ending had as much purpose as the beginnings. The initial hurts fading and opening up clear understanding. Allowing me for now to move forward, to seek the contentment in the clarity given. That for now, this time, is for strengthening my relationship with God. And sharing what I learn along the way.