I am one, and it actually isn’t so bad.
While, in the past couple of posts, I have mentioned missing my late husband, and I do, I also much mention how I have grown, and continue to grow in appreciation of my single status. It really isn’t all that bad, in fact, the mass majority of the time, I am quite content. It was not however, easy reaching this point. I’m not one to write something telling you how to go about being better at anything. What I do is share my experiences and hope that you will be able to glean something from it that will help you in your particular circumstances.
When after spending over half my life being part of two, I found myself suddenly a one, I realized that big changes were going to take place. Beginning with, ‘your husband was found deceased’. He was hundreds of miles away which meant dealing with things I had honestly never thought I would. Thankfully, there were many people along the way offering help and guidance. It took days of talking with people of various positions to get his body home. Then the celebration of life and burial. Then the two, became one.
I had a stack of bills that had to be paid. I wrote lists, lost the lists and wrote them again repeatedly as I tried to plan a budget and schedule payments. Insurance when it paid off, and the many gifts from friends helped, but still left me owing. Overtime at work helped so I grabbed all that I could. Eventually through careful financial actions I reached a point where the struggle was less. It was and is essential that I be very careful in spending. Especially during times when unexpected things happen.
I have come to a better understanding between wants and needs. I make a point of taking care of all the needs first. If there is anything left, I may splurge a bit. But, I have also come to understand that I am one who really doesn’t need everything that I once thought. While all of the plants in the garden centers looked lovely, so do the wildflowers growing in and around my yard. The bees and butterfly like them just as much. And maybe I do get a bit envious of those traveling to amazing places, but I can find rest in my own back yard, sleep in my own bed and watch the kittens play. All while enjoying the photos shared by those traveling to the local or exotic spots. Its, to me, a matter of getting my mindset right. Yes, traveling would be nice, but home is nice as well. And I won’t end up with a suitcase full of overpriced souvenirs, leaving me to later wonder what I was thinking.
When he died, I was working, and our son does still live at home. My moments of loneliness where not at that time as bad as they could have been. It was during the times when I was home alone and the quiet would become difficult to bare. Those moments when I was accustomed to getting phone calls that were never again going to come. He would call often, my brothers once laughed and accused him of calling every five minutes, confirmed when they timed him one day. Now that phone wasn’t ringing, I knew I was never going to hear the sound of his truck pulling in or leaving out. I worked until I was too tired to care when I got home. Not the optimum choice but it was working. Then I lost my job last year and things change again. I had to find something to keep myself busy, so I reclaimed the wilderness that is my yard. That kept me busy for a couple of months. I came to realize over the course of the reclaiming, that I was reclaiming a large part of myself as well.
I can sit outside on the swing at night with a small fire burning in the fire pit and be content to listen to the sounds around me.
I can read an inspirational or a faith based book that explains various topics.
I can watch a movie that will carry me away into the lives of various type characters.
I joined a group of cool folks who drive Jeeps and support local charities.
I sought ways, and continue to seek ways, to alleviate the lonely feelings. My garden has helped in that. I have brought home tomatoes and showed them to my son with the, “your dad would have liked this one simply due to size and garden fresh.” comment.
I know, that though I am now an individual facing the future as one, it isn’t as concerning and even frightening as it was. I had to learn, through ways that helped me, to be content with me. To be content in the one status. I have had to separate myself from the two mentality that was, because should I ever get into a relationship, it would obviously be totally different than anything before. I need to leave all of what was behind, not forgotten, simply tucked away safely. Yet not allowing any of that to color who I am going forward.
Through all of what I’ve had to do suddenly all on my own, I have learned I am capable of more than I believed. I am stronger, than I thought. I am smarter and more assured in who I am. Yet, I also try to not allow arrogance to taint these discoveries. I couldn’t have gotten this far, reclaimed the me that had been left behind somewhere, without my faith and trust in God. For the strength, is not my strength but His. It is His peace I found. It is His comfort that healed my crushed heart. It is He who has walked with me and gave me the peace that fills my heart and heals my soul. I am one, in Him.