I stayed home all day, only leaving the house to walk in my little circle. I had no need nor intention of going anywhere. Then my son and I were invited over to a friend’s house. We got ready and headed out. Molly came inside but Bella stayed on the porch. Half way there I remembered what day it was. When we arrived at our destination I sent a text to my nephew asking if it got too bad would he get the key from my dad and let Bella inside. I really should have said, when it starts. We hung out and visited until it started getting dark. I decided that I would go ahead and start home, I had a lot of unfamiliar roads waiting on me.
Have I mentioned that I don’t like to drive at night? I can drive, I don’t like to because of the limited vision. Add fireworks to that and you have a nightmare. My son decided to set my phone for me and after saying a heart felt thank you, taking a selfie and finding out when my son was coming home-he rode his bike and I drove- I started for home. All was fine at first, then the voice on my phone told me to take a turn I wasn’t expecting. But like a good little sheep, I obeyed. I made a few turns and found myself on a road I knew. After that I really didn’t need the phone but I let it continue anyway.
I’m not positive, but I swear that thing was either trying to send me the longest way possible home, or was deliberately trying to get me lost. Since I knew where I was, I ignored it for the most part and for the rest argued with the silly thing. I knew because of the fireworks show that was in progress I couldn’t go my preferred route. That meant I had to stay on the road with the absolute most traffic lights in the state. Not only that, it was lined with people watching the show. People who seemed to want to play games of chicken with traffic. By this time I was near to whining I just want to be home.
As I continued, the voice on the phone made a suggested turn that was an aha moment. I like that route, that will help me avoid a major snarl. Taking the turn I made my way up that road ducking with every whistle and explosion. Lights of many colors popping in the sky around me. When I finally got out of town, it was a lot quieter and darker. I had just over two miles to go and it felt like forever.
I pulled in the drive and into the carport to hear Bella crying. She was outside and the explosions were going off all around. I got out of the car trying to find my keys in the dark. If I had taken any longer I think she would have torn the gate off the hinges. As soon as the front door cracked open she was inside. When I opened the door to this room Molly met us as Bella shot past her and under my desk. By this time I was feeling like a humongous heel. I should have remembered, I should have managed to get her inside.
Right now she is in my bedroom, comfortably on the bed. I have the ceiling fan going and the radio turned up loud. Molly is in here but with me here she is fine. Even though the windows are open and the explosions are still going strong in all directions. I opened the door to outside from this room. There is a storm door that was damaged last year and we rigged it up to work until I could replace the thing. Bella in her fear, did a number and a half on what was the screen. The plastic was because there was no longer any glass in the bottom of the door. I’ll have to take measurements tomorrow and go check on a replacement.
Its really bad, when you are that afraid. The dogs don’t understand that the fireworks aren’t going to do them any harm. All they know is there are a lot of loud, unexplainable sounds going on all around and they want away from that. They know, inside is safe. Thankfully Bella didn’t escape the yard in a panic, that respect for boundaries an even better thing tonight. I’ve checked on her several times since she got inside and she’s fine now. She’s fed and comfortable. Molly is asleep. They know that we are home, and they are safe.
I do not like being afraid. I refuse to watch any type of movie that causes a fear reaction. I don’t ride any amusement rides that would cause fear. I am not a thrill seeker. I don’t like going places when I don’t know where I am going. I don’t like being in a situation where I am around too many people that I don’t know. Afraid of getting lost. Afraid of falling. Afraid of being afraid. I have an imagination that takes that fear and throws it back at me multiplied at weird time. Afraid of not fitting in, of being judged of not being accepted. Of not managing to accomplish what is needed.
Fear, is a demon. It prevents you from really living a happy life. It prevents you from learning, enjoying, doing things simply because it’s fun. Not dangerous or stupid or reckless, fun. It keeps you hidden away at home, alone and lonely.I have found that I am slowly gaining courage. I am remembering to trust in the One where my faith and courage, my strength comes from. God did not give us a spirit of fear. But when I am afraid, I know I can run to Him for shelter and strength. For peace and hope.
The GPS on my phone tried its best to send me off in really weird directions for some unknown reason. Fear does that. It sends us into hiding, into refusing to try, into avoiding any situation where we may in the least way feel different. Fear, is a demon that steals life and prevents living.I’m working on my courage. I’m working on building that ever stronger relationship with my Lord so that the fear will not be the hindrance it has been. That together with Him, the fears will be defeated and I can live life as I was meant to live. In love. In peace. In abundance.