A Mind Like Mush

I am incredibly sleepy.  I have been fighting yawns and that desire to nap all day. If I give in and nap, I won’t sleep tonight. That is a truth I have learned over the past four plus years. Once upon a life time ago, I had no problems sleeping, now, I am on the other side of that coin and there are nights which I struggle. Last night, was different though, last night was odd. 

In a different life time, I could go to bed and no matter what the day had been, as soon as my head touched pillow, I was asleep.I would sleep the night away, waking moments before the alarm would sound. I had slept, I was rested, I was ready for a new day. Then, everything changed. When my husband died, nothing was the same, nothing would ever be the same. Including and especially my sleep.

The first few nights, I barely slept at all. I lay there in the dark half listening to the radio playing behind me and feeling void. As the days passed by, I would sleep intermittently. I would be asleep, then suddenly realize I wasn’t. I found myself many nights staring up into the dark, waiting and hoping for sleep to return. Obviously this effected my work. Its difficult to fully concentrate with a mind that is attempting to function on auxiliary power. Eventually I found a natural, vitamin energy type powder to mix with water that helped me get through the worst slump periods. I tried to return to old sleep patterns on my own. That didn’t work. I tried following all the guidelines of no caffeine after certain hours, no blue light electronics within a hour or so of going to bed. Exercise, don’t exercise. Hot baths, cool showers, warm milk, don’t eat, eat certain foods. None of that helped. There were nights I begged to sleep longer than thirty minutes at a time.

 Now finally, four years later, I am doing better. Not perfect. I still have nights when I simply have no desire to go to bed. Exhaustion finally drawing me there. There are nights I fight to find a comfortable position. There are nights I still suddenly realize I am no longer asleep. I don’t allow myself to get up during those moments, I won’t get into that habit.

But last night.

Last night was…..different.

I went to bed, and went to sleep fairly quickly. I was actually sleeping rather well,  no tossing or turning. No fighting with whether I’m too hot or cold.

Then I woke myself up talking. Out loud. To?

This happened three times last night.

I have no idea what I was saying. I have no idea who I was talking with. I just know I was talking with someone, about something. It was intense enough to awaken me.

I will admit that there have been people and situations preying on my mind lately. I have thought long and hard about circumstances I have no control over. I’ve tossed various scenarios back and forth, trying to think of ways that I can handle the issues. What could I do? Maybe though, the conversations last night, were me finally taking the issues to where I should have from the very beginning. Since I don’t know what I was saying, I can only speculate, but those issues aren’t so worrisome today. I do know, without any doubt what so ever, that prayer works. Even this sleepy, mind like mush, acknowledges that.