If I dream every night, I generally do not remember. Usually when I do recall my dreams, it is because they were extraordinarily odd. I have heard, that when you dream of a deceased loved one, they are paying you a visit. I awoke from a dream this morning that had my late husband chewing me out over spending too much money. Sitting here thinking about it now, yes, that would have been my husband. He was always concerned over money. I know I was unhappy with how much groceries cost yesterday, but then that’s nothing unusual. Groceries have gotten unreal expensive, but that dream.
Its been a couple of years since I dreamed of him. That dream was brief and sweet. This morning’s dream was real. You would think that Heaven would have calmed him down, but maybe he knew that I would really believe it to be him, if he acted in the way I was accustomed.
When I told my son about the dream, leaving out the part about people saying we’ve been visited, he told me that he could beat my dream. He had dreamed that Charlotte was nuked. When I asked if we had been safe his response was a quick, “oh no.” Well, at least it was quick. Needless to say, I prefer my dream. I can recuperate from being lectured, one doesn’t generally recuperate from being obliterated by a nuclear bomb explosion.
I have been able to control my spending on nearly everything but groceries. I go with a list. I stick nearly one hundred percent to that list. Yesterday there was nothing purchased that was not needed. Even the items that I had neglected to put on the list, like tissues, were needed. Now, there were a few things that are among the once in a while purchases, such as band aids or mouthwash. I also purchased freezer bags for the stuff coming from my garden. In my building I have canning jars just in case I get enough tomatoes. One can hope.
Its funny though in a way. I have recently been missing my late husband. Even though the missing wasn’t that deep seated, painful grief, simply that ‘you’re not here feeling’, I felt it strongly. The dream, that the feelings still linger from, brought a smile. Because every single time he had gone with me to the store, even as he watched every single item go into the buggy, every single time the person at the register would tell us the total, he would exclaim the same thing, “What did you buy? The whole store?”
Yes, I do know that psychologist could give all manner of reasons such as my worry over money bringing on the dream. I prefer to think it was just his way of saying hello and that he is still looking out for us.
Thinking of things that bring a smile. It is no secret that I often feel uncomfortable being part of a jeep group that is mostly Wranglers and I don’t drive a Wrangler. When I went to purchase my Jeep, I really wanted a Wrangler. I nearly salivated as I passed them on the lot. How sweet would it be to have a vehicle such as that? To be able to take the top and doors off and enjoy the southern summer weather? But I had to be responsible. I had to acknowledge that since it was me and me alone that would be making the payments, not only on the vehicle but taxes and insurance, I had to be all grown up about it and choose a different vehicle. Now don’t get me wrong. I do love my Compass. Its a great vehicle, it gets me where I need to be and carries everything I need for it to carry. I do though, still often feel a bit out of place when I drive up in the Compass and see all of the Wranglers in a line.
Yesterday, someone in the group shared something they had found online about the Jeep family and that family meant ALL Jeeps no matter the type. That no matter the vehicle or reasons for purchasing that particular type, a Jeep is a Jeep and that makes them family. So yes, I did smile and yes, it did make me feel better.
There are many times that it is difficult to smile. The past months and all that has been endured and continues around us, makes smiling nearly impossible. I think there are times, when we almost feel guilty when we do smile. Wondering, what right do we have to smile, to show any semblance of being happy when so much sadness is going on around us? I believe though, that for our own mental health, we do need to find those reasons to smile. To feel that bit of joy in our soul that offers those moments of hope. And when we do, to not feel guilty, it is merely one more step toward healing.