Day 149; Footnotes of Doubts and Devil Voices

To some, it may sound silly, the anxiety that I battle. Just what is it, that I fear? Simply put, the same lack of acceptance I have battled for as long as I can remember. Whether real, exaggerated, or imagined. That not fitting in thing that has always been the albatross around my neck. The devil on my shoulder whispering, you don’t belong. I am, and have been, my own worst enemy. But, I am working on changing that.

 There was a Jeep group event today. I had told my son days ago that I planned on attending and I’d bring him something back as it was at a local restaurant. My son was going to a race today in a nearby town. I really believe that he didn’t think I would go. A lot of the meetings I get him to go with me, a security blanket of sorts. Today though, determination was king. 

When it came time to go, I picked up my keys, my phone, my wallet and headed out the door. Both dogs were inside so I wouldn’t have to worry about them. My son was, as far as I knew, at the race. I could do this. Have I mentioned that I also have this unreasonable fear of getting lost, even with the maps thing on my phone? Even though we’ve been to this place before, and I knew where it was. Fear is this reoccurring cancer that won’t leave you alone. As I drove, I was ticking off the landmarks in my head.

As I drove, the little voice in my head kept telling me I needed to stop this farce, turn around and go back home where it was safe and I knew I was accepted by my family. Instead I turned the radio up louder and jammed to my kind of rock, drowning out the little voice. That didn’t stop the nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach and the shaking of my hands. I’ve met with these people several times. I know they don’t bite. They’ve been nothing but nice to me. All this scared mess was needless. I pulled into the parking lot and parked over to one side.

Others had already arrived and were standing about talking. I made myself walk over and speak. Within a few moments they decided to go ahead and start into the building. I went in and glanced at the menu on the wall. I could barely make out what it said and had no idea what to order. In a panic I turned, pulled out my phone and pretended to be having a conversation, just to get outside. Crossing the parking lot I was trying to take deep breaths and calm my nerves. As I was doing so a dear friend pulled into the parking lot and found her place in line. I eventually moved my jeep over behind hers as we talked about various things.

Walking into the building she was helping me decide what would be good. She had eaten from there often and had more knowledge. At the table we chatted about a variety of happenings. The food was good as was the company. People who knew my friend were stopping to speak to her and then greeting me warmly. Some I had spoken with before were happy to see me and made that known. Take that little devil voice, not accepted huh?! Wrong. 

Turns out the group was invited to crash a nearby graduation party for desert. Just as my friend and I were making our way out I got a text message from my son asking me if I was hungry, um..why? Aren’t you at the race? 

I ended up leaving where I was and heading home. He arrived shortly thereafter and we headed for a nearby fish house. I’m really glad that I didn’t eat much at the first place, and I didn’t eat all that much of my seafood platter. Unless my son ends up with it, I’ll be eating off that for days. 

Tomorrow the Jeep group has a charity 5K they do once a month. This month’s earnings will go toward a gift for first responders. I’ll be there as I need to walk off some of today’s feast.

This morning when my mother called me, she called with a problem. She was having issues with her septic tank and needed to know someone who would come out and pump it for them. Isn’t it amazing how its always at the worst possible timing for stuff like this to happen? Asking for recommendations online got me a couple names which I gave to her and let her make the decision.

It was funny in a way, almost like watching a tennis match with those who liked this one but not that one and the ones who liked that one but not this one going back and forth. I started to go prepare a bag of popcorn and enjoy the show. At least they were all very nice about it and no one got ugly. 

Whoever it was that mom ended up calling couldn’t come out until after lunch tomorrow. If they had to dig up the tank and its hatch, they would charge for that. As mom was telling me that she told me that my nephew was out back trying to dig up the access to the tank. Nosy- ah- curious, I walked down to see how he was doing. He already had a large hole dug and was soaked through with sweat. Dad was sitting on the edge of the AC unit supervising. I turned and walked back up to the house for my shovel and helped what I could. That tank was deep, but we, well..he mostly, managed to get it uncovered and ready. After the tank is pumped we’ll refill the hole and plant some grass seed.

I don’t know if I will get my ten thousand steps today, I’m just under four hundred steps shy of my goal. I guess I could put my shoes back on, grab a flashlight and walk up and down my driveway. That ought to confuse the neighbors.

The thing is, I did it and I didn’t do it. I did go to the group event and I didn’t listen to the little devil voice. I did ask for names for mom and not just do an online search. I did help-a little- dig that hole. But I know, that I didn’t do it on my own power, for after years of listening to the devil voice telling me all the negative, that negative, is more my response. Hear the negative, believe and act on that. But I have learned and am continuing to learn what a liar that voice is and always has been. Today though, showed me that I have come a long way.

The rewards for doing and not doing? I spent time with great people. I got two meals. I easily made my way there and back. I made that little voice, a bit quieter. For that alone, I am a lot happier. The other is just gravy.

Picture from my drive as I haven’t asked permission to use the one taken at the event.

About rebecca s revels

A writer, a photographer, a cancer survivor. An adventurer of the mild kind, a lover of the simple pleasures such as long walks and chocolate. A Christian unashamed of my faith and a friend who is dependable and will encourage readily. Author of three self published books with more waiting to find their way to paper. An advocate of good things, a fighter against wrongs.
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