May Twenty-sixth; Clearing the Clutter

 This room, was at one time a disaster. I have photo proof. Not that I am proud of the mess, but it shows how far one can come.

For a long time, this room was used for two purposes. My computer was set up in one corner, the rest of the room was for things that had no other place to go. It was the room where good things came to die. At the time my husband was alive and we both leaned toward the philosophy of “I might need that someday.” Which meant, rather than being thrown away, it was tossed in here.

It was after my husband died that I began to see how much clutter had collected  not only in this room and house, but in my life. I had often made the excuse that I came by it naturally as my long deceased grandfather was a collector of sorts. The problem with that was he was also meticulous in organization and keeping only what had purpose. Let me be clear though, I didn’t keep trash. there wasn’t any old plates of decomposing food, wrappers of bottles half empty of some long ago soda. Still, this room then, gave all the appearance of a hoarder in the making. I had to make a choice, continue to live like that, or change. Since the death of my husband had already set major changes in motion, I decided to continue that flow. This was also the time when I decided I needed new windows in this room and an opportunity fell into place I couldn’t pass on.

 I took a long look at the mess, knowing that the beginning to resolution, was the first step. I had to widen the  path in the room. Yes, I admit it, the room had a narrow path to my desk. Grabbing a trash bag, I began the initial clearing. This was before my son purchased his trailer, and while we still had my late husband’s old truck. I would carry things out and to the truck, filling the bed to the maximum of what it could carry.

 I found things I had forgotten about. I found things I had no idea what they even were or for what they could possibly be used. I also found a few treasures that were moved to a better location. Slowly, step by step, trash bag by box, by armloads, the room was cleared. I moved a bookcase from one wall to another room. This allowed me to open a long barricaded doorway. With each area of the room cleared, you could almost feel the room breathing. After the windows were installed, I knew that I would have to keep this room cleared and not allow it to return to that former state. Other than the difference, or maybe because of the difference, and this room having an entirely different feeling, my son began to spend a bit of time in here with me. Short moments, a conversation, share a video, annoy the dogs, or simply sit in silence for a little while.

Over the course of the last year, I’ve had a lot of time to think, consider, ponder…call it what you will, over the clutter in my life. Taking the time, I came to realize that my life, had much the same appearance as this room once held. Clearing away that clutter, has been much the same  slow process much the same as the physical clearing of that room.I had to take that first step. I had to realize and understand that I had collected all this, and decide it was past time to start the clearing process.I had to identify as best as possible, what it was that I had collected. Whether the ideas, emotions, thoughts, beliefs were important, or trash.

I had to identify the treasures within my mind and memories and store them were they would be protected and safe.

I had to grab that mental trash bag and start. You can plan, dream, consider all you want, but until you grab the bag and begin, you accomplish nothing.

I had to understand that many of the things I had collected were false truths. Beliefs that I would need them someday for some obscure reason. They went into the bag.

I had to understand that even that locked mental door, had to be opened. All of the memories of past hurts tossed out and away. Holding onto them proved nothing and only caused residual pain should the door become ajar.

I had to stop comparing myself to others. I am me and they are them and all are important and special in their own right. We are needed to be the individual we are, not a clone of someone else.  If others cannot appreciate you for your individuality, that is their problem, not yours. Not mine.

I had to move past fear. Fear has a purpose, it can create a safety net, it can prevent problems, but it can also create them.I have had to find a balance in my emotions, adding to the good, while working on the emotions that would if allowed free reign, cause issues. Every emotion has a purpose, but some if not managed, can drive a soul into a dark place that is often difficult  to escape.

As the clutter in my life has cleared away, and I’m no where near done, it has created room for better things. Imagination, education, hope, creativity, contentment. It has also made room, for the Spirit within to come sit with me and converse. Quiet words of encouragement, letting me know, that with each space cleared, with each bag of trash removed, it gets better. There is a wonderful comfort to that. To feel the company of the Spirit, the peace brought to my life. A calm in the once chaotic.

I don’t recall the last time I was beyond angry or impatient. I have moments of sadness or disappointment, but nowhere near like I once endured.I have actually heard myself laugh more, I’m rusty at it, but the clearing away of the negative has offered a sort of oil can or maybe WD40 needed to help ease me back into the act of laughing. In this journey, walking in faith and relationship with the Lord I trust, I am finding balance even in the remaining clutter to be cleared.

Life is a journey. The more unnecessary things we pick up along the way, only weigh us down making the walk more difficult.