Between the rain falling outside, the darkness created by the clouds, Molly waking me through the night, and my scare, I’m exhausted and sleepy. Yep, one of those nights. I knew Molly was a bit antsy when I closed her in this room last night. She sleeps in here because Bella will not allow her to sleep in my-our(?) room. Usually Molly is fine in here. She curls up in the chair she has claimed with her blanket and you never hear her.
I really should have put the radio back in here and turned it on softly. Just loud enough to cover the sound of the wind. But, I didn’t and I paid the price. Molly started random barking around 1AM and barked off and on until I gave up and got up at 6AM. I came in here and then heard the winds and knew what was up. If you’ve followed my writing about her, Molly is terrified of the wind.
At the moment the wind isn’t as bad so Molly and Bella are outside on the front porch. Watching the rain fall and on guard against anything threatening, squirrel, the neighbor’s dog, the neighbors, the wind..
In the early hours of this morning I was awakened by a searing pain in my chest. It felt as if someone with a red hot branding iron was marking my lungs. I wasn’t sweating. I could still breathe easily. There wasn’t any heavy weight on my chest. Just that pain. That afraid to move, please stop hurting pain. Now, I am not a doctor, I never played one on television and I won’t pretend to know everything. I will guess though that it was a result of stress. Especially recently with the gas thing going on and the concerns over my son will be able to get fuel to go back and forth to work and making sure I’m able to take care of my parent’s needs. But, that hurt and that scared me. It was also not forgotten that my dad’s side of the family has a history of heart issues.
In the dark. In the quiet of the house, feeling very alone. Not about to call for my son as there was nothing he could do and I wasn’t going to the hospital. Not when I considered it to be stress related and I have no insurance. I don’t need an extra bill to pay. So I lay there, not moving if I could help it, and prayed. Nonstop.Begging for the pain to ease. Begging it to be brought on by stress. For what seemed to be hours, but was in reality moments, I prayed.
Slowly the pain eased. Slowly, I calmed down. Gently, I drifted back off to sleep. Resting in the arms of the One in whom I place all faith. When it comes my time, I am ready. I really don’t want to leave my son alone, and I’m hoping that won’t happen- or that he won’t leave me, for a very long time.
Now, I’m sitting here, listening to the rain, knowing this was not the prompt written on my calendar but I felt important to share. Faith. Calm. Peace. I found them all last night during a moment of pain and fear. When I gave it all up in prayer. Now, as the rain falls in a cloud darkened landscape and I enjoy my coffee, I am content. I have been reminded, that no matter the time, no matter the weather, no matter any of the things one can imagine, we can go to the Father. In our pain, on our fear, in our lonely moments. At all times, He is there, waiting with open arms to sooth our hurts and fears.