April Thirtieth; Bitter or Better?

It would be so easy to be bitter. To scream and shout and argue with any and no one that we should not have had to deal with what ever it was that life handed us. We did not deserve it and we should not have had to deal with such. It would be so easy to allow that bitter feeling, that bitter, angry, unhappy attitude to take hold and cling to us like sweat soaked jeans on a summer day. 

I paid a visit to a lovely family yesterday (thank you for inviting me up by the way) and the time was filled with wonderful conversation. In a way it was similar to reading blogs here bouncing from topic to topic, idea to concept to ideologies. The good part as it was in person, vocal and no typing was involved. I do love conversations such as those, and especially in person since you can actually see reactions and thought process in action. To be able to handle a conversation in real time feels good. But I’ve gone off topic.

 At one point, I mentioned that in my case (knowing all circumstances and people are different) I am not bitter over any of what I went through. Looking back, I know that what I dealt with, were all consequences of my choices. I made bad decisions, so I had to face the results of those decisions. But, during it all, even as I stepped out of line, I was not abandoned. I stepped away from my faith, but God never left me. Many times there were things that could have gone much worse, but didn’t. It was as if there were a line drawn.

 I remember my birthday, a surprise party was held. The individual I was married to then planned it, I was having an incredible time, but he got upset. The attention was on me, not him. He demanded we leave. The gifts were put in the car and we left. We lived in a usually quiet neighborhood. In his fury, he was driving the car just as fast as he could get it to move, slam on brakes, slide through a stop sign to begin again. Around and around the block until my nerves were shot. The first time the car was slow enough, I jumped. Thankfully I wasn’t hurt. 

The time in a drunken rage he shot at me twice at fairly close range, but missed. In my peripheral vision I saw the glass lamp beside me explode as I dove through a second floor window onto the roof of the car shed and shimmied down a pear tree.

Or the beating that proved I had to get away. I escaped with a few clothes, nothing more. I left a lot of things that had been given to me by family, all of my records from a life time of collecting.

Things. 

Then the more recent things that were not due to my decisions but the events of life happening. Bad health took my husband. Covid took my job. Everything was tilted and changed.

I could be bitter.But I’m not.

Bitterness is a weight that we need not carry. Bitterness, envy, anger, hate. All are an anchor, holding us in one place, unable to move, to seek the warmth of the light and the joys of love. We wrap the dark emotions around us like a blanket as we stare out at life, wondering how others dare to be happy when we know that they too have suffered. 

Emotions are normal. We all get angry or sad or hurt or happy, in love or at peace. The important parts, is learning how to control what and how we feel. I could be bitter, but I choose to see each event as a lesson. A stepping stone toward what awaits. The education I was given a gift and blessing in that I have a greater understanding. Obviously I can not fully understand how another feels as our emotions are specific to us. But I understand enough to comprehend the pain of another. We all could do that, as long as we don’t allow the bitterness to take root. 

Bitterness eats at us like a cancer if we allow. We seethe in anger, raging within, all the while accomplishing nothing, gaining nothing. All the while, losing much.All emotions have their place. They can teach us, they can encourage us, they can inspire us, if used in the right manner. They can make us dark and bitter, or they can make us better. It is our choice.

Bitterness, a dark emotion that hides the light of inner peace