Yesterday’s word was anxious. Today’s is worried. I have sat here staring at that for a while now. I even began a post, but even though I plan on finishing it at some point, I didn’t feel as if I wanted to really go there yet. I needed to write on something more positive.
I’m listening to the wind playing the chimes on my front porch and watching the shadows dance across my backyard. All around me, I am hearing birds singing. My house is quiet, even the dogs outside are calm. The neighbors across the way aren’t playing loud music or banging on drums. It is incredibly peaceful.
I haven’t always found my situation or circumstances to be peaceful. I have found them to be confusing, stressful, worrisome, lonely, frustrating, anything but peaceful. This has been a hard fought battle to reach this position. It is also a position that has to be maintained, because it can be easily lost.
Some things in my life I speak about often, some I do not. Not because there is shame in my past, more often it is because it is the past and I like to feel as if I have moved on from that place. Briefly though, I will say that I’ve lost everything twice, survived an abusive relationship and went through a time of heavy drinking. My belief, is that while I put myself into those positions through my choices, the Lord brought me through them. Having gone through what I did, has given me a better understanding for the pain of others.
Over the course of the last four years, I lost my husband, one of my brothers and my job. Remember all of the above descriptive words for varying emotions? I don’t want to focus on that though. Not here. Because while obviously the emotions from all of that, are always merely surface deep, or one thought away, I have managed to deal with, accept and move forward toward a more peaceful existence.
I have found comfort in being with myself. For a long time being alone bothered me. Even though my son is here. Even though I have family close, I felt alone. My husband had died, there would be no more time with him, no more phone calls from him. The silence of that, the emptiness was horrible. Several times I found myself standing at the gate looking down toward where he would park that big truck. I strained to hear the sound of that big engine, knowing it wasn’t going to happen. The sound of those big trucks passing on the main road always reminded me. Slowly I began to learn how to be at peace in my solitude. It did not come quickly or easily. Sort of like how water flowing over a rock slowly smooths its surface, so did time smooth away the edges of my pain and discomfort.
When ever I would make comments on loneliness I was reminded that being Christian, I was never alone. Knowing that, I would silently think of yes, that’s spiritual, not physical. I have adjusted to understanding that spiritual and physical are not two different parts of a whole. God is with us, means God is with us. In that I have found comfort. I can go out to my little walking circle and have plenty of conversations that ease my mind and heart.
I have found comfort in getting outside. I love long hikes in the woods. Whether it is somewhere I take Bella with me, or down behind the house by myself. To be out and enjoy the gifts of nature. The last time Bella and I hiked the mountain, there was a long period of time walking down when we passed no one. No one going up, no one going down. It was me and her in the silence of the woods. To some that could be unnerving, to me is was amazing. To find and feel the balance offered.
Reading. I have a stack of books waiting. I have to be in the right mindset to read otherwise my concentration level is not there and I miss a lot of what I’m reading. It does though help in the finding that balance, the distraction from the negative, the escape to another place.
Water. Once upon a life time ago, we had an above ground pool. I loved getting out and simply floating, there is a level of calm to be found around water. Below my house, there is a small pond. I won’t float on anything there as I know there are snakes around. There would be nothing relaxing in that. Now, if I had an actual boat, that might be a little different. Or if there was a swing or hammock to rest on and watch the ripples dance.
I ordered a solar fountain to put in that make do pool on the far side of the yard. The purpose was to keep the water moving making it to where the mosquito won’t use it for breeding. They don’t lay their eggs in moving water so I’ve been told. This will add a degree of enjoyment to my walking that circle. Once I get that set up.
I have found a level of acceptance in my finances. I can’t have everything. I actually don’t want everything. Being in the situation I am, is teaching me moderation. Learning moderation is giving me peace and understanding of a more minimalist life.
We all have to find our balance. The ones mentioned above are mine. It won’t be the same for everyone. It would be counterproductive to do something suggested when you know you can’t stand that particular activity. If one doesn’t like long walks, hiking is nor for you. If one is afraid of heights, skydiving is not for you. If one doesn’t like, one shouldn’t do. But it doesn’t hurt to experiment as you seek out the things you enjoy. There in, is where you will find that balance.