Fear is a jailer, anxiety a prison, trepidation the uniform worn. That comfort zone, so safe, free of what if, so dark and cold. As one peers out that window barred with unease, at the world passing by. It can be tagged by any name, any reason or excuse. In the end, that demon fear with its minions of insecurity and self doubt, cause missed opportunities.
I am sitting here now, having missed out on yet more opportunities of being a part of something good. I have no one to blame but myself, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I can fill the page up with reasons/ excuses, but it all boils down to the same thing. I didn’t go, because I was afraid.
Let me explain a bit here. I joined a Jeep group that is big on charity work. Seriously big on it. It was began in memory of one lost, and to find ways to honor the departed, and assist and make it better in some manner for the living. Trust me when I say, they accomplish this in amazing ways and form. When the call to action goes out, members show up in droves. They raise money for charity, they collect toys for children, they hold Jeep parades to show support for first responders, they go all out to support local business, just to name a few ways.
I’m not afraid of the people. Those I have met are amazing. Friendly, caring, outgoing, ready to step up and help each other out at a moment’s notice. Ready to support, encourage and be family.
I’m not afraid of not fitting in as even though I haven’t seen another Jeep like mine in particular, I have seen other Jeeps that are not Wranglers.
My fears, are of facing new things alone. Of going to places alone. My fear prison, is this being a party of one. Yet, I also see it as my challenge. I want to get to the point where I can step out and go without the fact I am alone bothering me. Once I manage to step outside the comfort zone and into the new, I am fine–well–getting there. I have a feeling of accomplishment and pride in breaking through the bars that try and hold me back.
I will admit (again) that part of it is practicing financial responsibility. I have to be careful. I want-need to make my own way but I also have to remember the limitations. Again, not that I am poor mouthing, because as long as the bills get paid and we eat, we’re fine. We have nothing to complain about. Yet, part of me wishes I could do more.
As I sit here, seeing the photos of this past weekend, knowing all that went on, seeing the accomplishments, I am so proud of my Jeep family. I hate that I missed the events, I hate my fears more. I wonder, if I reach a point of hate strong enough it will help strengthen the courage within and help me to become more able to step out as a party of one and find the enjoyment that I see the rest having. They are loving life and living large as they go about showing love and support to so many causes.
I imagine that I am not alone. That I am not the only person standing inside, peering out a window, one hand resting on the pane, watching, wishing, longing. Having a desire so strong, but not quite strong enough. Imagining the laughter, hearing in your mind the conversations, seeing the accomplishments of the group, from so far away.
I get very frustrated at myself, because I know, that I know, that I know, that God did not give us a spirit of fear. Yet, I feel it within me. It is a conditioning that has taken place over the course of years, but that is no excuse. If I want to win over this, I have to look to where my confidence waits. I have to look, to where my hope lives. I have to stop listening to the whispers of fear, and seek the strength that is within. Then I too, can take part in all the activities of life around me, not as a party of one, but as a party of two, me and my Lord.