Where am I? I’m sitting here in my usual spot. I’m enjoying the reading of the words of others, I’m listening to the birds and I’m finishing up a pot of coffee. I fed the cats earlier, still no sign of Loudmouth, but who knows, maybe his decision to be more trusting, found him a home. Here, in this place, I am happy, content, and secure. Here, there are no pressures to conform and fit in. But here can be a lonely place. That being said, I have been working on that.
First off, as long as I live and breathe, I am a work in progress. There will be things about me that grow and change and evolve all through this life. Not only in the physical as I age, but in the mental and emotional as I age and grow in understanding. I feel as if I question more now than I ever did as a youth. Now there is a greater understanding and comprehension of the answers to the often asked, or even the randomly appearing, questions. I have found my way to the edge of the rabbit hole and enjoy the explorations in search of answers.
I know I have mentioned before, that I have always felt a bit of an outsider. Never quite comfortable with others. I had a sheltered but fun youth. Though my youthful adventures, which I wouldn’t trade for anything, left me without certain knowledge and understanding of social interactions. So I find myself here, considered a senior citizen still finding my way. Still working on where do I fit in the puzzle of life? That in itself, is an adventure. Yet, there is that insecurity. Especially when I find myself in situations that are new to me.I saw a comment, quote, meme recently that said we should stop worrying about whether people will like us, and ask, will we like them. Which made sense. Will we enjoy their company? Will their way of life, their attitude, their thought processes work with ours? Not that we are better or smarter or more important, we aren’t.
It is true for me, that having spent so many years wondering where I fit, searching for a comfortable spot only to run hide in my comfort zone due to that insecurity, change is difficult. I have been told many times that I have constructed a wall around me, which is true, but it stung. I want to tear that down, or at least drain the moat, but that means letting others see me. And I circle back to the insecure, if they see me, will they like me?
In a recent conversation on emotions, I spouted off a comment of “Screw it, who needs them anyway?” But we do. Insecurity and fear aside, we do need each other. We are designed as social creatures who need each other.
But I’m not like…I don’t look like this or talk like that. I don’t think like them or have talents like those. Of course not, because we are not them. I keep telling myself this and I’m hoping myself will listen more. I think I am because I’m trying to get out more and do more with actual groups of people.
There is also this blog. When I returned to writing, I wondered if anyone would bother to read what I shared. “And y’all are, thank you!) Yet, I went ahead and began to put myself and my words out there. To me, that is a step in the right direction which is the point to all of this.
Take that step. Turn it into a dance if you must, one step forward, right foot stomp, slide to the right..but move, be daring. Write the words, sing the songs, paint the masterpiece in your mind. Insecurity is a dark, ugly virus that locks us in our comfort zone and forbids us to enjoy the adventure that is life. Yes, there will be detours. Yes there will be bumps and storms and delays in the journey, but also along the way, there will be light and joy and laughter and pure enjoyment of the moment. Cast off that blanket of insecurity and dance. Be like Dorothy on that yellow brick road. She had no idea what waited along the way, but she danced anyway and look at the adventure she had.