Even as I sit here, enjoying my morning, enjoying this gift of time, if I were to be honest, I am slightly jealous. Depending on the subject determines the levels of jealousy. Even as I know, this is a wasted emotion. The fact that I am human, with human frailties, allows this to show up. I will share that I am getting better at correcting this. The jealousy, not being human. What I seek, what I am actively striving for, is contentment.
Over on social media there are these games, quizzes, what ever you wish to call them, that determine things like your type of house or car. It always shows some ginormous mansion with dozens of rooms, pools and fancy gardens. The car is always something fancy and expensive. No and no.
Years ago when my son was just reaching his teen years, as we passed the housing development with the most expensive homes in the area, he told me that he was going to have enough money when he grew up to buy me a house there. I smiled, told him thank you but that wasn’t where I wanted to live. To me, the homes appeared to be fancy, elaborate prisons. They were built too close together with little to no privacy. Here, in our much smaller home, we have a nice expanse of woods in which to explore, enjoy and live without prying eyes.
While I would love a Jeep in which I could remove the top and doors, feeling the wind in my hair and the sun on my face, the Jeep I drive is fine. It gets me where I need to go and doesn’t drink gasoline like a thirsty camel. Plus the color is nice.
I see those around me taking glorious vacations and trips. Some to the beach, some to the mountains, some across the country. Being able to visit some of the places would be nice, but I am content here. Home means not dealing with the frustrations of travel and a boatload of laundry to be done once home. My own backyard offers me the greatest getaway and I don’t have to deal with traffic.
I’m still working on adjusting to the retired, no job, no schedules thing. I enjoy it don’t get me wrong. Its the limited funds that bother me. Do I wish I were independently wealthy? No. Having a great deal of money has its own issues. Having a bit extra to play with would be nice though. But, that will come when I get the jeep paid off in a couple of years. I just need patience.
Besides, there are plenty of places I can go that don’t require money, like the mountain I love to hike, or as I mentioned, my back yard where I can watch the cats, the birds and enjoy the peace that comes with solitude.
I am not a jewelry person, so seeing people with big rings, diamond necklaces, bracelets that go partway up the arm of the wearer do not bother me. Maybe they can be an investment of sorts, but they seem to be too much of a target for thieves. I’ll lay up my treasures in Heaven thank you.
I see people attending events with others who seem to have no issues getting into conversations and fully enjoying themselves. Their laughter and actions showing their assurance in themselves and their acceptance with the others. I am jealous of that confidence, but I’m working on growing mine. The last event I attended I did better than I ever have before. Talking with various people, trying to lose the nerves and find the comfort. I believe that with each gathering, I’ll do better.
I see people who are very successful in their endeavors. Whether it be their job, their hobbies, their creativity. I applaud their success and seek to follow the examples they provide as I work toward being more successful myself. Am I jealous? Of course. But again, I will use that as a way to encourage myself, to better what I produce and refuse to think negatively about others. Their hard work shows, as I hope mine will also in time and improvements.
I see people online discussing their love interest. How wonderfully things are going, how special their love is. Only a part of me envies them. A part of me longs for what I lost four years ago, while a part of me understands that this time alone is a teaching, learning, growing time. I really have to be fully happy with who I am, before I can move toward a relationship with another. I have found that out the hard way over the course of the four years.
As I rediscover and grow me, I need someone who will accept me, for and as me and not seek to change who I am to fit their narrative. It would need to be someone who understands my independence has been hard fought and learned. My inner strength created through need. My creative side, my imaginative side, my sense of humor may be different than what you are accustomed to, but it is me and it is a part of me of which I am no longer ashamed.
I may be envious of seeing others enjoy an embrace, but I am content in my solitude and knowledge that God knows when the time will be right and then it will be as it is intended.
In my heart and mind, even as I from time to time suffer jealousy, I know it is wrong. It gets me nowhere and gains me nothing. Most often now, the feelings are mild and the battle more easily won, at least for the moment. I believe, as I gain better understanding, I gain more control. As I gain the control, I achieve greater peace. That, is what I strive for.