I no longer cry. It has been years since I have felt the sensation of tears sliding down my face. I know why, even as there have been days when I long for the release that a good cry brings. In one sense, I feel as if an emotion has been stolen from me, or did I give it away? There is a part of me,so long ago, that suspected my tears were being used against me. Treated as a weakness, a defect in the armor of my emotions. A weak spot to be capitalized on. Even as I hoped I were wrong.
Bullies seek out your weak points, my tears were mine.
My late husband, who I loved dearly, in his moments of needing to be reassured of his strengths, would upset me to the point of tears, then ridicule them. I had a former manager, who would call me into his office under the pretense of ‘working out what was bothering me’ only to later go to others and laugh about having caused me to cry. After having been told that, and knowing it to be true, I was determined to cry no more.
After that, when my husband tried to bring me to tears, I trained myself to hear but not. To understand his pain was his reason from attempting to inflict pain on me. He never struck me with fists, only words. But words hurt. Slowly, the weakness was fading as an inner wall was forming. That former manager, called me into his office one day. I sat down and listened to his prying, his attempts to ‘find out what was wrong’ I listened, I gave him one word answers, then got up and left. There were no tears. He never pulled that again. I had won…but had I? When my husband died, the tears I shed, were very few. I talked, I prayed, I screamed angrily, but shed few tears.
Over the course of the last four years, I have lost friends, I have lost friends that I felt more than friends. I have dealt with various events along the way. I have felt loneliness, sadness, fear, anger..but no tears fell.
I can feel them, linger right on the edge of falling, but no. Its somewhat like that sneeze you feel wants to happen, but doesn’t. The frustrations of that lack of release.
I have deliberately watched sad movies, thinking maybe, but even though my heart feels the emotions, my eyes remain dry. The closest I have come, is the time my son was going on a trip longer than usual, alone on his motorcycle. I didn’t not want him to go, I merely begged him to be careful and watch out for those who do not watch for motorcycles. Even then, even with the expression of concern over my fears on his face, the tears didn’t fall. Maybe, I didn’t want him not to go due to my motherly fears. Maybe, I was overly worried of things that could happen at any point of his trip. Maybe…..
I have sought to learn control over my emotions, all of them. I feel as if I have come a long way toward the calm that brings. I understand that emotions and the expression of emotions are a healthy thing, but it is in how we express them that matters. It does bother me when my own mother calls me cold, but she doesn’t understand and I don’t try to explain.
I won’t lie though. I do miss the tears, the physical and emotional release and healing they bring. Part of me feels that I gave them away, part of me feels they were stolen. Part of me looks at the box they are stored away in as if it were a Pandora’s Box, unsure what would happen if it were opened. Tears express so much, hurt, anger, fear, sadness, joy..all shown in rivulets of salty water streaking the face, marking its route as if proof of being.
The reasons I do not cry, are gone. I’m not subjected to that any longer. Maybe one day, I will find them again. Maybe one day, they will be released from the captivity in which I placed them. Because tears in truth, are not bad. Even Jesus cried, https://jesusalive.cc/times-jesus-cried/