April Sixth; Where are the tears?

I no longer cry. It has been years since I have felt the sensation of tears sliding down my face. I know why, even as there have been days when I long for the release that a good cry brings. In one sense, I feel as if an emotion has been stolen from me, or did I give it away? There is a part of me,so long ago, that suspected my tears were being used against me. Treated as a weakness, a defect in the armor of my emotions. A weak spot to be capitalized on. Even as I hoped I were wrong.

Bullies seek out your weak points, my tears were mine.

 My late husband, who I loved dearly, in his moments of needing to be reassured of his strengths, would upset me to the point of tears, then ridicule them. I had a former manager, who would call me into his office under the pretense of ‘working out what was bothering me’ only to later go to others and laugh about having caused me to cry. After having been told that, and knowing it to be true, I was determined to cry no more. 

After that, when my husband tried to bring me to tears, I trained myself to hear but not. To understand his pain was his reason from attempting to inflict pain on me. He never struck me with fists, only words. But words hurt. Slowly, the weakness was fading as an inner wall was forming. That former manager, called me into his office one day. I sat down and listened to his prying, his attempts to ‘find out what was wrong’ I listened, I gave him one word answers, then got up and left. There were no tears. He never pulled that again. I had won…but had I? When my husband died, the tears I shed, were very few. I talked, I prayed, I screamed angrily, but shed few tears.

 Over the course of the last four years, I have lost friends, I have lost friends that I felt more than friends. I have dealt with various events along the way. I have felt loneliness, sadness, fear, anger..but no tears fell.
I can feel them, linger right on the edge of falling, but no. Its somewhat like that sneeze you feel wants to happen, but doesn’t. The frustrations of  that lack of release.

 I have deliberately watched sad movies, thinking maybe, but even though my heart feels the emotions, my eyes remain dry. The closest I have come, is the time my son was going on a trip longer than usual, alone on his motorcycle. I didn’t not want him to go, I merely begged him to be careful and watch out for those who do not watch for motorcycles. Even then, even with the expression of concern over my fears on his face, the tears didn’t fall. Maybe, I didn’t want him not to go due to my motherly fears. Maybe, I was overly worried of things that could happen at any point of his trip. Maybe…..

 I have sought to learn control over my emotions, all of them. I feel as if I have come a long way toward the calm that brings. I understand that emotions and the expression of emotions are a healthy thing, but it is in how we express them that matters. It does bother me when my own mother calls me cold, but she doesn’t understand and I don’t try to explain.

 I won’t lie though. I do miss the tears, the physical and emotional release and healing they bring. Part of me feels that I gave them away, part of me feels they were stolen. Part of me looks at the box they are stored away in as if it were a Pandora’s Box, unsure what would happen if it were opened. Tears express so much, hurt, anger, fear, sadness, joy..all shown in rivulets of salty water streaking the face, marking its route as if proof of being.

 The reasons I do not cry, are gone. I’m not subjected to that any longer. Maybe one day, I will find them again. Maybe one day, they will be released from the captivity in which I placed them. Because tears in truth, are not bad. Even Jesus cried, https://jesusalive.cc/times-jesus-cried/

About rebecca s revels

A writer, a photographer, a cancer survivor. An adventurer of the mild kind, a lover of the simple pleasures such as long walks and chocolate. A Christian unashamed of my faith and a friend who is dependable and will encourage readily. Author of three self published books with more waiting to find their way to paper. An advocate of good things, a fighter against wrongs.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to April Sixth; Where are the tears?

  1. Emotional bullying can be painful, indeed! Sometimes you can’t beat them. I agree with you that silence may be a way… 🙏🙏🙏

  2. I understand this so deeply. As a child I learned not to give my stepfather his “reward” of seeing me emotional due his taunting and insinuations.
    When my husband passed away I was careful not to let my four children see just how long the crying went on. We all cried those first few weeks… but after that I kept my tears for when they had gone to bed, and I was alone in the shower.
    Your honesty and openness moves me deeply Rebecca.

  3. Honesty and openness has become very important to me. There was a time when I had to bend my honesty even as it drove me crazy. It is the same with the openness, I have had to hide parts of me for so long being able to express it now is very freeing. Thank you my friend.

  4. Pooja G says:

    I spent a long time without crying because I thought they were a weakness. Recently I started crying when I needed to or felt like and it helps me release a lot of pent up feelings. I definitely understand where you’re coming from.

  5. ΠιCΘLΣ says:

    I am so sorry that you went through this. We deserve better from the people we love and trust. Too many people suffer in silence, and I hope that more people will share their experiences and what shook them out of the stranglehold of oppression. I am sending you virtual hugs, if you need them.

    • Hugs are always liked and accepted, thank you. I think, that we are opening up more as a society and allowing others to express their pain. It isn’t some secret shame any longer to have been hurt and to hurt because of it. Thank you for your visit and kindness.

  6. Ronnale Irons says:

    I have been told that there was something wrong with me because I cry so easily but I have never been able to train myself to not cry so easily…

    • There really is nothing wrong with crying. It is natural and healing. My problem is that tears were used against me for so long I found it easier not to cry and give them the ammunition. Sad right?

  7. wynneleon says:

    A couple of years ago my daughter who was then 3 asked me why grown-ups don’t cry. It was such a good question that I kind of hemmed and hawed for an answer. You have eloquently stated one reason. When I asked another friend at the time, he said “because we aren’t surprised by much any more.” But I think there are also other ways we’ve found to release those deep pockets of grief like singing, even badly or storytelling. It seems often that when you ask the question as you’ve done so well in the post, the answer is usually not far behind. I hope that’s true for you too!

    • It may be true, that we aren’t surprised by much any more. I think, that we reach a point where as you stated, we find other ways to release the emotions that would have brought the tears before. I think, that the fact that since I no longer work, I can escape into nature at any given moment, and it is there, where I find the peace that the tears would have offered. Thank you for your visit and your kind and thoughtful comment.

  8. skipread says:

    This is so inspirational. Thanks for sharing. May God continue to bless you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.