March Twenty-third; The Struggles with New Beginnings

My mornings seem to be so similar to that movie Ground Hog’s Day with Bill Murray. They all begin much the same way. I get up, prepare coffee, watch my son leave for work and wait for my mother to call. Then I find myself sitting here, drinking coffee and watching the feral cats. I make my way through over two hundred emails of blog notifications and somewhere in there, write my own. Then I step away and the second phase of the day begins.

Life has this way of teaching us lessons.

We are reminded constantly that everything, every… single… thing has a beginning and end. There’s the usual stuff like the year and seasons. The school, work, church services. Our sleep or awake times. Usual stuff.

There are the times that you sense coming but  still find yourself struggling. Then of course are the things that catch you completely off guard and knock you down, hard.

The lessons, are not so much in the event, but in how we handle them.Even the ones that are slow to adjust to and learn from.

I got the call minutes before time to leave work. Answering the call, the voice on the other end asked about my husband, was he not at home? The next sentence after my response of no he wasn’t, floored me. They asked because they had heard he had been found deceased in his truck. What a way to find that out.

Now, here I am, four years later. I’m still learning from his passing. I’m still learning and adjusting to this single life. Early on, I was told I was strong. Its amazing how strong one can be or at least appear to be, when there is no other choice. But I think I am getting there.

When I received the call telling me that just shy of thirty years, I was being let go at work, I was blindsided. Just the day before I had been told I was essential. Talk about the other side of the coin. I spent almost a year waiting for the promised call back only to finally realize it was not coming. One more falsehood from a place that seemed to thrive on them. 

Over the course of that year I had worked hard in and around my home, making everything more presentable and livable. Over the course of the year, I had done a lot of thinking and rediscovering the person I had set aside while I had given all to somewhere that didn’t care. It was business after all and the bottom line was what mattered.Now I can sit here, accepting and even glad over having been removed from a situation that was taking but not giving. I now have the energy and time for me and for family.

Friends mean a lot to me. I don’t surround myself with people as it drains me. I do have a select group of like minds and hearts that I cherish. When one leaves, it creates a struggle. Even when you understand, even when you accept the truth and reasoning as valid, there is a painful loss. A dark void that has to be closed. One must realize it is that time and season thing, a lesson that life brings to being once again. Understanding that for a time, there was purpose for that individual being a part of your life, but that purpose has been fulfilled. Whether it was you being there for them, or the other way around.

When an ending happens, no matter what that ending is, there is always the new beginning.

I have learned that when I struggle to close that void, I have to distract myself. Yard work will do that well. I get so focused on what I am attempting to do, that all thoughts of what has ended are set aside. In the end, the yard looks much better and my heart has begun the healing process.

I have learned, not to look at the loss, but to look for what will come next. To be willing to accept and allow what is coming.

I have learned, to not accept the sadness of loss, but to seek and feel joy. My husband, who had not been in the best of health, now fully restored in Heaven. My job loss gave me time for family and renewal of self. My ending friendships, open a door for another, as the one leaving has found their strength and way in new beginnings of their own.

I have learned, attitude is strength.I have learned, faith, trust, belief and hope, is everything.

About rebecca s revels

A writer, a photographer, a cancer survivor. An adventurer of the mild kind, a lover of the simple pleasures such as long walks and chocolate. A Christian unashamed of my faith and a friend who is dependable and will encourage readily. Author of three self published books with more waiting to find their way to paper. An advocate of good things, a fighter against wrongs.
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