I’m sitting here alone, with my ever present cup of coffee, listening to the world come alive around me. The distant sound of conversation, the slamming of a car door and revving engine. My dogs outside, barking at any cat that dares come into sight no matter how far away they may be. (Speaking of cats, I’ve fed the feral cats and even managed to once again touch the more vocal and brave of the trio.) The sky I see through the windows to the back is that familiar muted grey, but if I look toward the front, I see broken areas allowing the blue to be seen. Oh Sun, where are you? Its odd, as I listen to the wind chimes. When I look out the window at the trees out back, I have to watch closely to see any movement, are there times, when the wind only blows in the front of the house?
I was supposed to attend a group event of the Jeep club of which I belong. I didn’t make it, again.
Yesterday I was searching for an article that I had begun reading but then in the grand way that technology and I do not get along, I lost the site. I thought I had bookmarked it, but no. I thought I had forward one of the articles to a friend, but no. I even asked for help and others kindly tried, but it remained in hiding.
Determination and a stubborn refusal to give up finally allowed me success as I found what I was searching for. This time, I made sure to bookmark the site. The late hour in which I found it prevented allowing me to fully explore all of its offerings.
In the process of the search for that one particular article, I did find this site and description; https://lonerwolf.com/lone-wolf/ which I also bookmarked. This article discusses lone wolf characteristics. What they are,and how to embrace them. I found this information very interesting and yes, empowering.
My son and others have attempted to make me feel…wrong, about the way I am living. As if my preferences for solitude and quiet are the incorrect way to go about life and I should immediately change and make amends for such a dastardly lifestyle. My own son even called me a recluse.
I am an observer. If I attend a group type event, I don’t mind sitting back and watching. There are times, yes, when a part of me wonders what it would be like to join in the festivities. Then the other part, the empathic side, knows what too much joining brings. So I sit back and enjoy life on the fringes. Its obvious that I have had no growth in this becoming a group person. Not in the way that most are. I can and will speak to others. I can and will laugh, smile and enjoy group activities, by my rules. Which are simple, allow me my boundaries. Allow me to sit over there and watch, listen and participate as the empathic side, the quiet, introspective side allows.
Maybe the coming to an understanding of this, does show growth after all.
The article though that I was searching for, the title was Loving a Lone Wolf:https://melodyofwords.com/loving-a-loner-how-to-keep-a-relationship-with-loner/ .
While I am not in a relationship and not looking to be in one at this time. The first sentence caught my attention and had me reading. I saw where this could and does hold true not only in a romantic relationship, but in friends as well. There are also links to other informative articles. A couple that I have followed, others are waiting for me to take the trip down and through that rabbit hole.
I think that reading this, and allowing myself to accept, embrace and grow this ‘lone wolf’ side of my personality, I can seek out and find the correct path for me. Something that may have been a long time in coming. Looking back, I see what I have always preferred my solitude, even at an early age. My peace and contentment has been alone in nature. Finding adventure in the imagination I have been gifted with.
Too many group events have left me weary, now I have an understanding. Attempting to immerse myself into an event too deeply, without the boundaries, wears heavy on emotional and mental health.
I was chastised not too long ago by someone who has told me more than once that I had no idea what they would give to be able to switch places with me. Lecturing me on the opportunities that I am missing. Proving that they really know nothing about me as they seek to push me into a lifestyle unbearable.
Even Lord Jesus, sought moments of solitude. He had twelve close followers, twelve. Yes, He had close friends, yes, He taught multitudes, then He sought rest. No, I am not saying He was a lone wolf, I am saying that He knew the importance of quiet times and limiting the number of people you have around you, save for those times when groups are important.
As I sit here now, watching the feral cats watch me through the window, I have a better understanding of myself and my personality. I have a more calm acceptance of who I am. Knowing this, I feel that now I can move forward toward growth and seeking the things that are good for me. Content, in who I am. Challenged in the knowledge of understanding a personality that I had condemned before now. Looking forward to the growth ahead of me and inside of me.