I’m sitting here listening to the rain that began falling long before I awoke. In the earlier conversation with my mother she told me that it was raining heavily when she awoke at 4AM. Once upon a time, in a past life I did that, I don’t miss that alarm sounding in the least. Because of the rain I haven’t seen any of the feral cats and won’t until the rain stops or they get beyond hungry. Molly and Bella are currently stretched out on the front porch watching the rain and listening for any sign of the cats or the neighbor’s dog so they can begin the frantic barking they seem to enjoy.
As I sit here though, enjoying my coffee and the sound of the rain, I dread the trip I know I have to take for groceries. I don’t fear going by any means, it is simply a minor annoyance. I haven’t hidden the fact that I feel as if I have had an awakening in my life and mindset. https://www.dictionary.com/browse/awakening
I have spent a very large part of my life cowering down to others and their demands. I have struggled to make others happy at the expense to my own well being. Fighting an internal battle between the part that believed the words of others and the part that did not.
When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was confused.
When I found myself without a partner in life, I felt adrift.
When I found myself without a job, the sails were torn and useless.
I could extend that list greatly, but I won’t. I think the point was made in that I was putting too much faith in outside sources. Depending on someone or something else to make me feel whole.
Here I sit, less than two weeks away from the anniversary of the last day I worked and over the course of the past year, I have had an awakening that still continues to happen. I’ve mentioned it before, but for me it is an incredible and amazing thing to be experiencing. This awakening into who I have been, to who I am, and to the person I will become if this, and it will, continues.
The cancer battle was one that drew me closer to my Lord. Showing me that trusting in Him, would get me through the battle. There was no one else who did or could walk with me. My mother and the associate pastor were there the day of the surgery, after that, my battle was faced alone but for the Lord walking with me.
A closeness I needed when my husband died and I had to learn to face life on my own. I had to discover a strength that I had not realized I possessed. I had to learn courage and determination to face the challenges that seemed to constantly be presenting themselves.
I will be honest and admit that when I found myself without a job, I was angry and began by saying the pandemic stole my job. The job I held, was not taken from me, I was taken out of that position. To begin the next step of my personal transition, I had to be in a position of having plenty of free time and energy which I did not have working.
This past year, I have learned more about myself, my life and my relationship with the Lord, than I have in the past sixty-three years of living. I have found and continue to find a better understanding and strength. I have a long way to go and I may never fully reach understanding, that may not come until my life here is through.
Until then, I will continue on the journey I have begun. I will seek to learn, educating myself on a great variety of things of life, including learning me. I will continue to seek out my courage and abilities that I had set aside long ago. I will continue on this journey of awakening to be the person that I was intended. And I will remember and be forever thankful for those I have known, those I meet, and those I have yet to come across, for their help along the way.