Taking the dogs to the vet today was almost funny. Bella sat there staring out the window with the “This isn’t the way to the mountain” expression while Molly cried almost all the way there. Nothing we tried calmed her any. Even Bella was giving her those “will you just shut up??” looks. I finally broke down and tossed her and Bella each a treat so that we would have that nano second of quiet.
The best part of the visit, I was under the impression they would be getting their heart worm shot but that isn’t due yet so the visit was less than half of what I thought it would be. It was also nice that my son walked down to a nearby store and brought back coffee. We came back home, let the dogs back out into the yard and I settled in. I spoke with mom several times. I fed and watched the cats. I also had to go back and forth to prevent the feral cats from going after the birds around the feeder. Cats can give you some really disgusted looks. I even wrote an extra blog post. One that I thought turned out pretty well.
Right now, I’m sitting here thinking of the differences between now, and four years ago. Today. quiet, calm, peaceful when Molly wasn’t crying. There was even moments of laughter. When my husband died four years ago, he was in Indiana at a truckstop. Because he was found deceased in his truck, there had to be an autopsy and a trillion miles of red tape and bureaucracy to wade through and untangle. It was a very frustrating and slow process, waiting on everyone who had to sign on he line, to sign on the line. Finally though, after days of waiting, his body was on its way home.
Posts from four years ago:
Good morning all- Here, I have my coffee, the sun is bright, the air cool, and the kittens so full of themselves that I had to get dressed because they were shredding my ankles. A normal day, but it isn’t. Today is a day between needed activities. Yesterday I got his flight schedule home (Good Lord willing and the weather doesn’t change it), I spoke with and made an appointment with the funeral home, I went to the church and saw where he will be buried, I spoke with the pastor about his service, I wrote out his obituary (which if you have never done this, it is extremely difficult) and I got all of his pall bearers. Fought a few fires and braved a few storms. Nothing expected, but yet still understood.Today, I will wait for confirmation, today I will field what ever phone calls come, today I will clean, today I will stay busy because it keeps me sane.
Tomorrow, I will go to the funeral home and take his clothing. Deanna is going with me to help make those final preparations as well as my sister in law Jennifer. But, as Scarlett O’Hara said, “I will worry about that tomorrow”
There is an emptiness that happens when the cell phone rings and the number showing isn’t his. Every time I walk up to get the mail and I don’t receive a call wanting to know what came. That late night call wanting to wish me a good night or the early morning calls making sure I was awake. The dogs know something is going on, Buddy has even in his old age, ramped up his protective mode and Bella stays as close as she possibly can. I sleep, but not well. I’ve been listening to His Radio and that helps, but still, in the night when I awaken and I remember, I pull his pillow close. I miss him, I mourn his leaving and yet still, I celebrate his arrival in Heaven. He is hearing the angels sing, he is walking those streets of gold, he is with our Savior.
He is, I know, wishing that we would not cry, but to not cry right now is impossible. I walk through the house and I see things he left, I pick up his things and I put them away. Its as if a part of me doesn’t want him to have a hard time finding it when he returns even though I know, he isn’t returning.
One day, one hour, one moment at a time, I will walk through this. I will cry, but I will breathe and I will remember and I will hold those memories close and I will get through. Thank you, those who are out there praying, those who are calling, those who are showing us so much love, support, encouragement, who are there, when we need you so badly.
Word..Flight 300 which is the flight that was to take him from Chicago Midway to Dallas Love Field did arrive on time this morning. His flight from there to Charlotte, is not until 4:55 this afternoon.
That poor man.The phone rang and even though it was an 800 number I answered. The gentleman asked to speak to my husband and I told him that wasn’t possible. He told me that he was calling from United Health Care and wanted to save him some money. I interrupted him as gently as I could, this wasn’t going to be easy. I told him that my husband had passed away. That poor man.It got away with him so terribly. He stuttered, stammered tried to speak, tried to figure out what to say. He was so lost and befuddled. He kept saying he was sorry and offering condolences. It must have been the first time he had to hear something as that. I tried to make it easier but you can’t make that easy.He finally managed to tell me that he would make a note so that I wouldn’t get any more calls such as his.I hope his day goes better. How many more times am I going to need to do this?
Just got back from ordering the spray for the top of the casket. This man has done this forever so I know he will do us right and will create something special. Also spoke with one of those who are helping get my husband home, they are going to take care of getting copies of his death certificate for me.Baby steps.
I need to get up from here and go pretend to do something be safe my friends be well be warm be blessed be the difference for the difference is so badly needed.
His flight to Charlotte should be leaving soon. Supposed to leave at 4:55…
James went with me to get gas for the Explorer. We went to wally world to try and get some photos printed, but no one was working in the photo lab so that was a no go. I was too late getting to Sam’s Club. This is what I get for hiding in here and not going out unless I had to. This was a had to in a sense and I didn’t go.
Don’t take my strength
as a lack of pain
for the hurt I feel, runs deep a knife slicing my heart
where the bleed is slow
but I hold it within
for now
Don’t take my strength
as an absence of hurting
for I choose to hide it
control it as I can
while I do the things that must be done
for now
Don’t take my strength
as a sign, that I do not care
for you have not seen my tears
you have not heard my cries
heard the echos of my screams internal
held within, held in check, held
outwardly silent
for now
Don’t take my strength
as a weakness, that you can
exploit
turn against me
make it into something it isn’t
for my strength, my pain, is mine
is real, and I can contain it
for now
Don’t take my strength
as ever lasting
for the moment will come
when I will be strong no more
when the responsibilities are through
when the needs are fulfilled
and I need be strong no more
the tears will flow then
but until then, I will be strong
for now
Good night all- Going to get these contacts out, put away the left overs if James has finished eating, lock the doors and call it done. Weary of body and mind right now.be safe my friends, be well, be warm, be blessed, goodnight
Four years ago, we were finally drawing close to being able to lay his body to rest. It had been such a struggle just to get him home. Even though it was only his earthly body, it was important to get it where he belonged.
Today, four years later, I miss him, but the emotion is memory, is the fondness that rests inside my heart, is the knowledge that for him now, all is well. I wouldn’t ask him to come back here for anything.
Words from The Dirt Road 
❤
♥️